Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/17/19

The memo: one small step for man, one giant leap… for business.

Fifty years ago this Saturday, man first set foot on the moon. The richest 1% of Americans’ share of the national income has more than doubled in the years since, leading many never to learn what the moon is.

German defense minister Ursula von der Leyden has been confirmed as the first female president of the European Commission. Donald Trump responded to the news by masturbating.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on paying off your student loans! And Happy Birthday! The big 7-0.

New research shows that a paste made of bananas, chickpeas, soy, peanuts, and several oils and micronutrients can help to reestablish a healthy microbiome in malnourished children. In children with severe peanut allergies, the effects are short-lived.

A federal judge has ruled that rapper Ja Rule did not commit fraud relating to his participation in 2017’s infamous Fyre Festival. Mr. Rule responded to the verdict by removing his shirt in the courtroom and asking the judge “WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BABAY?”

Jerry, I was born here.

Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has died at the age of 99. While serving on the court, Stevens was known for his flamboyant bowties and for never guessing how far it would fall.

Actress Lashana Lynch will reportedly portray the first ever black, female 007 in the next James Bond film. Bond’s famous nemesis Jaws will reportedly appear in the film as well, played by institutional racism.

It’s World Emoji Day! Reminder: eggplants are sexual harassment.

Wolf of Wall Street producer Joey McFarland has agreed to return $14 million worth of cash and gifts tied to a money laundering scandal involving the Malaysian government’s strategic development fund. He is expected to recoup the money in a sequel to the film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as himself and Scarlett Johansson as the Malaysian Prime Minister.

A Brazilian woman this week threw a priest to the ground during his sermon after he said, “fat women don’t go to heaven.” The woman said she was just trying to get some exercise.

Houston, we have a problem.

And it is the ubiquitous threat of unionization.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?


When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/13/15

School’s back in session!

After an extended hiatus during our emotionally difficult (and financially lucrative!) restructuring process, I am back to hit you with some news of the world… like Queen!  But without the AIDS… last I checked.  Business!

A recent report on mysteriously downed Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 has concluded that the plane was destroyed by a missile fired from pro-Russian eastern Ukraine.  Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to the report by releasing a statement reading, “Ukraine?  I’ve never even heard of this ‘Ukraine!’  I want whoever wrote that report killed.”

Game of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke was named Esquire Magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.”  The Esquire Network is currently developing an hour-long special on the actress, but will wait to air the program until after the Emmys, where its flagship shows Car Matchmaker and How I Rock It are expected to contend for “Best Unintentional Comedy Series.”

Speaking of “Sexiest Woman Alive,” nice hot pants, Anna from marketing!  Ah-OOO-gah!  Hubba hubba!  Boy, would I like to “get into” those things… get it?  “Get into”?  Yowza.

In the largest beer merger ever, Anheuser Busch InBev is buying SABMiller for $104 billion.  To celebrate the deal, the new megaconglomerate will be brewing a limited edition “Monopoly Lager,” an American-style light lager that will combine the unique types of urine found in both Miller Lite and Bud Lite.

Guy Pearce has taken to Twitter to confirm his split with his wife of 18 years, Kate Mestitz.  It is still unconfirmed, however, whether Pearce is the Guy who tried to blow up the British Parliament or the one who directed Snatch.

Fugitive actor Randy Quaid was arrested last Friday when he and his wife were caught trying to cross the Vermont border into Canada.  “Ahhhhh… a jail in Vermont,” Quaid was quoted as saying after the arrest.  “This is where Randy Quaid belongs.”

Yes, Jerry, I know he is now a “free agent,” and no, we will not be employing Jared as our spokesman.

Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to produce an upcoming movie on Volkswagen’s emissions debacle, a scandal that could cost the company up to $18 billion in fines.  “It is my sincere hope,” DiCaprio said at his press conference, “that this movie can do justice to what can only be described as the worst thing the Germans have done in the past 100 years: cheated clean diesel fuel emissions tests.”

Playboy has announced that it will remove fully nude pictures from its print magazine.  “We’re doing what?” said founder Hugh Hefner, 89, when informed of the decision.  “What’s ‘the Internet’?”

Don’t forget to watch the first Democratic debate tonight!  We’re sponsoring it, so we’re counting on plenty of product placement.  And tell your friends to vote Bernie!  He is toooooootally serious about “redistribution.”

Archaeologists believe they have discovered the remains of the Biblical city of Sodom in eastern Jordan.  Information on the find has been scarce, as thus far all frontline researchers have turned into pillars of salt.

Reality TV personality-cum-presidential candidate Donald Trump will host Saturday Night Live on November 7th.  He has reportedly spent months preparing the show’s cold open: his campaign.

Iran’s conservative parliament approved the country’s nuclear deal Tuesday, opening the door for better relations with the West.  The Iranian government celebrated the news in its typical fashion, by killing a couple of gays.

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for my earlier comments regarding Anna from marketing.  I would like to express my deepest apologies to anyone I may have offended- I was unaware at the time that the term “hot pants” could be a trigger for people who may have seen a very disturbing scene from the otherwise classic arthouse comedy Grown Ups 2.  Please accept my sincerest condolences and do not bring this matter to HR, as they are overburdened with all the layoffs.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Anna, you exude a very sexual energy.

-The Chairman