Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/11/20

Ooh, my little pretty one, 
My pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, corona
Ooh, you make my motor run,
My motor run
Got it coming offa the line, corona

Never gonna stop
Give it up
Such a dirty mind
Always get it up
For the touch
Of the younger kind
My my my my my WOO

M-m-m-myyyy corona
M-m-m-myyyy corona

Am I the only one who can’t get that classic (and prescient) 70s anthem out of my head? It even mentions touch! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been missing our usual officewide hugs and gooses most of all. But don’t worry, several of my highly paid friends in the medical profession assure me that the weak will be culled soon enough and we can get back to what we do best…

Business.

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told lawmakers Wednesday that the NBA should consider playing its games without fans due to coronavirus concerns. “We’re merely suggesting that the NBA’s fans take a cue from its players,” Fauci said, “and take a lot of games off.”

In a related story, the Ivy League has canceled its conference basketball tournament in the interest of public health. Many fans of the league have expressed excitement to have discovered a new way to feel superior to everybody else.

Anna from Maintenance, I’ll need you to start disinfecting my office hourly. Because of the virus and… yeah, because of the virus.

The Exorcist star Max von Sydow has died. Maybe.

A biotech firm in London is seeking 24 volunteers to be injected with coronavirus for over $4,500 each. The volunteers will then be placed together in a 14-day quarantine where they will be filmed for the new ITV series Love Island: Coronavirus.

Jerry, do not distribute any more of your “hand sanitizer.”

A female Komodo dragon in a Tennessee zoo has given birth to three hatchlings without a male partner. Twelve other Komodo dragons have since begun work on a 66-book collection centering on the virgin birth that they expect to last well over 2,000 years and inform the most personal and consequential decisions of countless other Komodo dragons around the world.

In further Tennessee news, a 94-year-old ex-Nazi concentration camp guard living in the state will be deported after the US government found evidence of his past on a sunken World War II ship. Since arriving in the United States the man, Friedrich Karl Berger, has reportedly been living quietly in the Memphis area posting pro-Donald Trump memes on Facebook.

Do you find yourself touching your face a lot at work? Well don’t, ya perv!

In response to the coronavirus outbreak in the country, China has banned sale and consumption of the endangered pangolin. Experts fear the ban may lead to China’s losing its identity as the world’s foremost originator of novel coronaviruses.

Nik Wallenda, who angered some by wearing a safety harness while traversing an active volcano by tightrope last week, has said that the extra safety precaution was added by broadcaster ABC. “We couldn’t have Nik fall flat on his face and then burst into flames,” ABC spokesperson Manfred Gonzalez wrote in a statement, “we have enough of that with our Thursday night lineup.”

Come a little closer, huh,
A-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, corona
Keeping it a mystery,
It gets to me
Running down the length of my thigh, corona

That is how it feels, apparently! Just like pneumonia running down your thigh!

The Knack, man.

The Knack.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/1/17

Good morning, potential Best Actresses!  C’mon… we all know Emma Stone was a mistake, too.  Who’s gonna tell her?

NOT IT.  Business!

Russia is reportedly drafting a psychological dossier on Donald Trump ahead of the businessman’s first meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin.  The dossier is said to contain 15 pages of “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” in Russian.

The French army is adapting the age-old art of falconry to take down suspicious drones.  The practice is said to remove the least reliable part of the French military- the French.

Aw, Anna from Horticulture, you got me all choked up again… and then you saved me with your exceptional EMS training!  Now that’s how you do Munchausen by proxy.

According to a new report, the Trump Winery in Virginia has asked the federal government’s permission to hire more foreign workers.  The request is expected to be granted by the man who owns the winery.

Vendors say a new Philadelphia soda tax has reduced sales of sugary drinks by 50% throughout the city.  Supporters of the tax contend it has made the city healthier, as Philadelphians are now buying milk when they need glass bottles to throw at opposing sports teams.

Jerry, Moonlight is not “your story.”

A magician was found dead last week in a closet at LA’s famous Magic Castle.  The magician was said to be David Blaine, who suddenly awoke and replaced himself with the dead body of a different magician that he may or may not have killed.

Facebook now accommodates money transfers on its messenger app.  The idea is not revolutionary, as people have been sending kidneys through MySpace for years.

Do you ever wonder why some salsa is green and some is red?  It’s your corneas, stupid!  Come get them checked out at our yearly free eye exam, this Friday in the main cafeteria.  Just don’t drive there!

Potential convert to Islam Lindsay Lohan says she was recently profiled by London airport security for wearing a headscarf.  Authorities say that she was actually profiled for being Lindsay Lohan.

Japanese network Fuji Television has obtained footage showing the recent attack that killed Kim Jong Nam, half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, at a Malaysian Airport.  The video shows an assailant with long black hair crawling out of a well and slowly ambling towards Nam as he watches in horror until the screen cuts to stati- HOLY SHIT GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCODSOIEUJR –wr=w=r 03*@#U*=-

And the Oscar goes to…

Nope- not gonna fall for that one again.  NOBODY WINS ANYTHING.

-The Chairman

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