Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/23/16

Good Afternoon,

We’re hiring!

Currently seeking any active or dormant paramilitary groups (not necessarily American!) as a contingency for the upcoming election.  If you know of any, send ‘em along!

Please don’t mention the word “coup.”

BUSINESS.

A Zimbabwean man recently caught having sex with a donkey claimed it was a human prostitute who had changed forms.  “I just don’t know what happened,” the man insisted when questioned by police.  “Last thing I remember I told her I liked ass play.”

Game of Thrones actress Sophie Turner revealed that she and costar Maisie Williams have gotten matching tattoos related to the show.  As a result, Turner said neither woman has been allowed to engage in sex of any kind, as it might constitute a spoiler.

Anna from Accounts Receivable really hit the jackpot!  Maybe I should get a divorce….

A sinkhole in Florida has caused wastewater to leak into a large aquifer full of drinking water.  It represents an example of a rare geological phenomenon: a sinkhole within a shithole.

Apple’s recently released (and widely derided) iOS 10 mobile operating system contains a pornographic GIF of a character from My Little Pony.  In a statement, Apple has called it “a little gift for the early adopters.”

Jerry, Colin Kaepernick is not your “spirit animal.”

A lasting conspiracy theory that Taylor Swift is the clone of former Satanist leader Zeena Lavey has found new life online.  Swift’s ex-boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal has called the rumor “ridiculous,” asserting that Swift herself “is Satan.”

The main attraction at North Korea’s recently reopened national zoo in Pyongyang is the “dog pavilion,” which features a number of different breeds of canine.  The area is popular in part because North Koreans are not used to seeing dogs not labeled “pork.”

Rub-a-dub-dub!  Don’t forget the company car wash is this Saturday (tomorrow) at noon in the south parking lot!  This year’s charity is the Syrian refugees that will be washing your car!

A new pipeline carrying 4,000 liters of beer an hour has opened in Bruges, Belgium.  Three people have since drowned.

In a recent interview with DuJour Magazine, Melania Trump said that her husband Donald is “not Hitler.”  “But,” she added, “he’s working harder every day.”

No memo last week… too many interviews!

We lost a lot of good men at that table…

-The Chairman

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