Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/29/17

Good morning full-time temps,

It has come to my attention that Donald Trump began this week by eliminating many of his predecessor’s safeguards against climate change. Rest assured we’re responding accordingly, by relocating our Miami office to Mumbai and getting into the lucrative sandbag market.

As for how we will make these “pro-business” measures work for us, I have some ideas. First off, Trump’s EO removes protections on public lands. And since he’s proven that everything public is also private, it should remove protections on private land, too. We intend to take full advantage.

First step: strip mining Mar-A-Lago.

Business!

Following reports that Donald Trump would defund Meals on Wheels, controversial NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to the organization. Critics of the decision say the unsigned quarterback can’t stop throwing things away.

A Mexican newspaper is reporting that American students on a recent spring break trip to Cancun could be heard chanting, “Build that wall!,” to which locals replied, “Please.”

Anna from Transportation, five stars! That was the first Uber I’ve been in that didn’t smell like a public pool.

Last week, several women wore robes from the book (and upcoming TV series) The Handmaid’s Tale to the Texas Senate to oppose proposed abortion laws. Another woman was not allowed in the chamber, as she brought a gun from John Wick.

A new report alleges that Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor to Donald Trump who was found to be working as a foreign agent, did not to sign Trump’s ethics pledge. This is likely because such a pledge doesn’t exist.

Jerry, it is not “Sir Hippopotamus Boar’s Zootopia.”

Donald Trump has announced the creation of a task force, headed by his son-in-law Jared Kushner, to make the government run more like a business. That business is Enron.

Despite asking for an increase of $54 billion in defense spending as part of his proposed budget, Donald Trump has included major cuts to both TSA and the Coast Guard. “Not worried, not worried,” he said at a recent press conference. “Nobody’s ever attacked America with a plane, and last I checked we didn’t have a coast.”

Baseball season’s just around the corner. Get ready by stealing a home!

A group of scientists has created the first-ever stable helium compound. The discovery has given researchers around the world hope that they may someday create the first-ever stable Courtney Love.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has said that Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election could be considered an act of war. “Trust me,” he added, “I would know.”

Bring in the jackhammers!  All that oil under Trump Tower ain’t gonna pump itself…

-The Chairman

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