Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/20/19

Good Afternoon Low-Level Functionaries,

It has come to my attention that I’ve been derelict in my duties, and I must send a long-overdue update on the current state of affairs:

I’m havin ‘em!

Business!

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin voiced his displeasure with the New York Giants trading Odell Beckham Jr. last week on his blog, sarcastically saying that the team is “GOING FOR IT ALL, clearly.” “Maybe we’ll arbitrarily bring Odell back,” Giants GM Dave Gettleman shot back on Twitter, “like John Snow.”

Speaking at a news conference last week, Utah Congressman Rob Bishop said “the ideas behind the Green New Deal are tantamount to genocide.” “Read between the lines,” Bishop told the crowd, “‘carbon emissions’ equals ‘white people.’”

Anna from Groundskeeping, is that Hydnora africana or are you just happy to see me?

A new study published in The Lancet Psychology suggests that using marijuana every day, especially high-potency cannabis, increases the chances of having a psychotic episode. For purposes of the study, researchers defined a psychotic episode as “the conscious decision to attend a concert by Phish, Dead & Co., Gov’t Mule, or any other of a number of objectively terrible jam bands.”

A 700-pound alligator was found in Georgia last week and subsequently euthanized. The decision to put the animal down was made over vociferous objections from the TLC network, which had already greenlit a show in which the alligator had 90 days to lose 300 pounds in order to become the pageant queen it had always dreamed of being.

Jerry if, as you have asserted, Aristotle’s view of a twice-tethered human soul must be read in the strictest sense of the individual aspiring heavenward in hopes of a great reward and, indeed, to feast as the gods feast, then you must simultaneously acknowledge Aristotle’s selfsame assertion that it would and could ne’er be possible for mortals to achieve the singular (read: wingéd) soul composition afforded the gods by virtue of their very immortality, negating the precept on which your basic presumption is founded, thus rendering any further rational comment on the matter irreconcilable with your essential contention and, indeed, entirely precluding any reasonable foundation for debate on the matter.

A chemical fire that blanketed the city of Houston in black smoke for four days has finally been extinguished. Residents say the lack of regulatory oversight that allowed the fire to emit potentially noxious gas over a vast area for so long a time is a small price to pay for no state income tax.

In a post on his personal blogThe Wire creator David Simon ripped Hollywood agencies for their practice of “packaging” talent, negotiating for both sides of a deal in a manner that was widely exposed in the recent FOX lawsuit involving the TV show Bones. The post immediately ignited a bidding war between CAA and WME for the rights to Simon’s column, which they would then like to package with the judges in any future lawsuits filed against them.

Signups are open for our annual March Madness pool! I’m picking the University of Washington to win it all, cause after seeing Zac Efron play Ted Bundy how can you not love that guy?

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson has apologized after posting a video of himself on Instagram driving 105 MPH with no seatbelt. “I apologize, Ravens fans,” Jackson said in a subsequent post, “for not immediately discarding this video as I would have immediately discarded a cream-colored suit had I brutally murdered two people.”

A new study posits that the DNA of many inhabitants of the Iberian Peninsula was replaced around 2,500 BC with that of men from the Eurasian steppes. Donald Trump has hailed the study as “really big,” tweeting “BUILD THE WALL- OUR STEPCHILDREN MUST BE STOPPED.”

The only “infidelity” I know is when I stop into a branch of my favorite investment company… one that always puts its customers first!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/8/17

Great news, everyone- we’re hiring teachers!  I mean, they don’t have to be “teachers,” per se… just, like, friends are fine.  I never thought we’d get into the education sector, but there’s money to be made!  Now someone draft me up a “charter”…

Last week, Scotland’s Campbelltown airport was home to the first British flight in 50 years to depart without a security screening.  Shortly after takeoff, the plane was hijacked by universal dignity and an abiding sense of calm.

President Donald Trump has appointed former mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani his cyber security advisor.  The decision is the latest in a long line of controversial appointments by Trump, including Ivanka Trump as First Lady and R. Kelly as ambassador to Russia.

Congratulations, Anna from Analytics, on your Oscar nomination!  I still don’t know where to find those fantastic beasts, but I know you are definitely one of them.

North Korea’s official news agency has accused the United States and South Korea of plotting a preemptive attack on the country.  Donald Trump has since assured North Korea it is under no threat, as it is not the values of liberty and justice for all.

New website Pizza to the Polls allows people to send pizzas to protesters around the country.  The site has reportedly escalated tensions between conservatives who have sent thousands of pizzas through the site and liberal recipients who do not eat gluten, dairy, or nightshades.

Jerry, your Q2 evaluation is not “fake news.”

A Cheeto that looks like deceased gorilla and favorite meme Harambe has reportedly sold for almost $100,000.  The bidder is said to be a group of 10 million teenagers contributing one cent each with the explicit goal of undermining any remaining faith in Western civilization.

Reddit has banned two major forums associated with the alt-right.  The decision ensures that the groups’ members will never post anything anywhere on the Internet ever again.

This winter, stay warm by fucking your coworkers!

Salmon prices around the world are rising rapidly due to a growing population of parasitic sea lice.  The outbreak has caused many to question why the fish still haven’t instituted mandatory lice checks in schools.

Last week, customs officers in Texas uncovered almost two tons of marijuana, valued at approximately $800,000, hidden in a shipment of key limes.  “Gr8 news!”  Donald Trump tweeted in response to the discovery.  “Now we can pay for the wall!”

I always liked Michigan.  Land of the free, home of the lakes.  And schools!  Lots and lots of $chool$…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/9/16

Good midweek, mine gentle servitudes.  Today’s memo begins with some BUSINESS!

No, not the usual kind of business… something else entirely.  An honest-to-goodness UPDATE on the future of the MEMO.

From now on, the memo will be delivered (and posted on https://tcotb.wordpress.com/)at precisely 10 AM EST (or EDT) every Wednesday morning.  How will I assure such German punctuality?  The old fashioned way… illegal immigrant manual child labor!

As always, please direct any comments or concerns to chairofthebored@gmail.com, where I will take a cursory look before utterly disregarding them.  Now… THE REAL BUSINESS.

The CEO of the Democratic National Committee has resigned following the party’s recent email leak.  As is customary for all American CEOs, she leaves with a $20 million tax-free severance and first refusal on the financial ruin of up to three other companies.

On August 31st, JetBlue will become the first US airline to fly commercial to Cuba.  To make Cubans feel more at home, the airline will be replacing its usual planes with 1955 Ford Fairlane convertibles.

We’ve been hacked!  Nice job, Anna from Childcare- you earned those Bitcoins.

A veteran supporter recently gifted Donald Trump a purple heart, to which the “presidential candidate” replied that he’d “always wanted” one, and that this way of receiving it was “much easier” than serving in combat.  The veteran then replied, “Fuck you,” and punched Trump in the face.  Just kidding, he’s a Trump supporter.

The “Impossible Burger,” a meatless hamburger made up of plant proteins, made its debut recently at New York City’s Refinery Hotel.  The burger has been hailed as “a possible solution to global warming” and “a great way to find out which of your friends suck.”

Jerry, that’s a different kind of skeet.

Verizon has purchased Yahoo! for $4.8 billion, much less than the $44.6 billion Microsoft reportedly offered for the company in 2008.  “We’re very happy with the deal,” CEO Marissa Mayer replied when asked about the difference between the two proposals.  “We here at Yahoo! are very comfortable with declining numbers.”

Uber has officially pulled out of China.  Remarkably, the country has still become pregnant with the company’s child: capitalist greed.

The results of our annual office morale study are in!  And they are confidential.

Italy’s parliament has begun debating a law that would legalize growing, cultivating, and selling marijuana.  The bill’s greatest proponents are Italian mothers, who are in favor of anything that will make their children “Mangia!  Mangia!”

Eminem’s former bodyguard claims rap mogul Suge Knight tried to have the Grammy-winning emcee killed in 2001.  Knight, whom many believe had a hand in killing Tupac Shakur in 1996, reportedly “didn’t want people to think [he] was racist.”

Hector, put down that lollipop.  Don’t make me deport you!

-The Chairman

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