Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/21/18

Happy second day of spring, vassals! Or, for those on the East Coast, first day of winter! Won’t it be great when climate change finally rids us of this infernal white pestilence forever?

Won’t be long now…

Business!

UN investigators have determined that Facebook played a significant role in the violent persecution of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar. Mark Zuckerberg has responded by announcing a 12-village speaking tour in or near the country streaming live on Facebook Watch, as well as a donation of $1 million over the next 200 years to fight Tritanopia in the area.

Donald Trump Jr., whose wife Vanessa recently filed for divorce, reportedly had an affair with musician Aubrey O’Day while she was a contestant on The Celebrity Apprentice. O’Day is best known as the lead singer of Danity Kane, the band Trump Jr. would be if he were a band.

Anna from Accounting, are you the Blarney Stone? Cause after kissing you I just can’t stop talking about it! NOT good news for my marriage.

This week, for the first time, the Israeli military admitted to a 2007 strike on a suspected nuclear reactor site in Syria. “You know, we thought all you guys were crazy,” Israeli spokesman Chaim Lubovitch said of the admission, “but it does feel good to deny something.”

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said the White House will have no comment on Vladimir Putin’s uncontested victory in Russia’s presidential election, saying the US “can’t dictate” how other countries choose their leaders. She then added, “That’s a one-way street.”

Jerry, you did not pick UMBC.

During a recent seminar, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner drank chocolate milk to illustrate the need for diversity in the workplace. “Personally, I thought it was tone deaf,” said HR rep James Brewer, who was in attendance at the event. “Everybody knows regular milk is better for you.”

A small dose of Viagra, administered daily, has been shown to reduce the risk of colorectal cancer in mice. Treated mice have also shown increased ability to fuck their way out of a maze.

Time for an update on our March Madness pool! It still hasn’t been cleaned, so please do NOT swim in it. Hope it’ll be ready by the Final Four!

Necco, the venerable confectioner behind the message hearts popular around Valentine’s Day, is preparing to close its Massachusetts factory. “It’s not a good climate for us right now,” CEO Michael McGee said in a statement. “We make the only candy that can get you fired.”

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that pornographic actress Stormy Daniels passed a 2011 polygraph test during which she said she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump. “This means nothing,” Trump lawyer Joseph diGenova said at a recent press conference. “As we’ve all seen, she’s a great actress.”

Hey, it’s better than nuclear winter!

That’s next spring.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/26/14

Good Evening,

The funeral service for Anna from payroll will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Help church on Sanders between Ellington and Broadway.  In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to Anna’s favorite charity, the Marijuana Policy Project.

The New York Jets have signed former Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick, who spent almost two years in prison for dogfighting.  Vick’s deal is said to be worth $5 million, all of which he plans on donating to dog-related charities.  Just kidding.

The White House is reportedly “very concerned” about further Russian aggression in Ukraine.  Just last Friday, President Obama was seen actively using a phone.

New evidence shows that Michael Rockefeller, grandson of John D. Rockefeller, may have been eaten by cannibals.  The evidence comes in the form of New Guinea cannibal chief Ajam, who told reporters, “Rich white guy?  Glasses?  Yeah, I probably ate him.”

Let’s all take a moment to welcome our newest employee, Anna Robertson!  I know, it’s gonna be weird having another Anna in payroll after all that’s happened, but… you’ll get used to it.

Russia has taken over a group of specially trained attack dolphins in Crimea.  “Seriously, guys,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “is there anything more ‘me’ than attack dolphins?”

The National Labor Relations Board in Chicago has ruled that Northwestern football players are university employees and are thus able to unionize.  In typical Chicago union fashion, the players celebrated by bribing several elected officials and beating up Mayor Rahm Emanuel “’til he got the message.”

Jerry, you are not going to be “one and done.”

A recent study using NASA data has determined that society as we know it will collapse in a matter of decades.  “We are living in an unsustainable world,” writes mathematician Safa Motesharrei.  “There is simply too much McConaughey.”

Nick Cannon has come under fire for donning whiteface to promote his new album, “White People Party Music.”  “Y’all white people need to lighten up,” said Cannon.  “Get it?  ‘Lighten up’?  Man, I’m racist.”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are separating after 11 years of marriage.  Their child Apple, however, is stuck with that name for the rest of her life.

BRACKET UPDATE: Jennifer from sales is winning, having picked 14 of the 48 games correctly.  You guys suck at this.

Three elite US Secret Service members were sent home from a recent trip to Amsterdam after getting drunk on the job.  “I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” said an agent who requested anonymity, “we wear sunglasses like, all the time.”

Speaking in the Netherlands Tuesday, President Obama said that he is more worried about a nuclear bomb going off in Manhattan than he is about Russia.  Russian president Vladimir Putin responded swiftly with a statement reading, “What about both?”

Facebook has acquired virtual reality company Oculus VR for $2 billion.  “This is an historic day,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, “from now on, it’ll be like your advertisers are in the room with you.”

Fuck you, Putin.  Yeah, I said it.

-The Chairman

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