Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/23/20

Good Afternoon,

What a dream… four million coronavirus cases! We’re churning out tests as fast as we can for about $10 a pop, and at an average cost to each patient of about $100, we’re estimating an extra $38 billion in revenue once everyone in the country contracts the virus!

At this rate, we’re projecting that to happen around October 1st.

Business!

Prince Andrew’s daughter Princess Beatrice was married last week in a very private ceremony. The couple declined to invite a flower girl.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has revealed that she is being treated for a recurrence of cancer. “The only thing that can save me,” Ginsburg told reporters recently, “is some very woke memes.”

Anna from our Orlando office, glad to see you’re back at work as Princess Jasmine! Somehow even sexier in that mask…

An astounding new conspiracy theory posits that online furniture retailer Wayfair has been trafficking children using listings for high-priced industrial cabinets that share the first names of some children who have, at one point or another, gone missing. If anyone has any further knowledge regarding this matter, please unscramble the decoded message in this sentence (hint: cranberry boysenberry pip pop stew) and contact the email address therein immediately.

In the wake of the Washington Professional Football Team’s long overdue decision to change its name, the Edmonton Eskimos of the Canadian Football League have decided to follow suit. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has since announced he will step down as the team’s mascot.

Jerry, your second quarter review was not a “cognitive test.”

Hulu is in the process of adapting the book Rodham, an alternate history about former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, into a streaming series. The show will depict the journey of a young Hillary Rodham through a post-WWII America divided between the victorious Axis powers as she searches for a mysterious figure known as “The Man In The High Castle.”

Italian police recently intercepted a shipment of coffee beans from Colombia that had been hollowed out and filled with cocaine. Italian coffee company Lavazza is said to be “furious” about the government’s intervention, alleging it exposed the trade secrets behind its immensely popular ¡Tierra! blend.

When our onsite daycare reopens, we will no longer be playing “good cop, bad cop” with children. Instead, ONLY when necessary, we will be engaging in “community psychological counselor, murderer.”

Amazon has purchased the naming rights to the new hockey venue where the NHL expansion Seattle Kraken will play with plans to call it “Climate Pledge Arena.” The company is encouraging customers to begin saving the boxes in which they receive Amazon packages to be used for the stadium’s retractable roof.

Serial pedophile and Jeffrey Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell is reportedly married, and her husband is rumored to be Scott Borgerson, the CEO of “maritime innovation company” CargoMetrics. Borgerson has been unavailable for comment, but his lawyer has released a statement reading, “Scott has no idea what has been shipped in the countless containers that he has made exponentially more efficient over the years, only that his single biggest client has been Wayfair.”

Did I mention that most people get tested more than once?

And don’t even get me STARTED on schools…

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-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
 
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
 
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman

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