You may have noticed that you did not receive a memo last week. This was due to an important investigation regarding a private conversation that was recorded without my knowledge and leaked to several popular gossip websites. That investigation is now ended, and I have established the following:
That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my voice on that recording. I have always considered myself a great friend to the people of Liechtenstein in every capacity, and I consider all mankind my brethren. Now that this matter is concluded, I will continue my governance over and ownership of this company in the spirit of justice, fairness, and equality. Onto the business.
Netflix is raising prices for new customers. Experts say the company is struggling to make back the millions it spent acquiring the rights to Pootie Tang and Megashark vs Crocosaurus.
A 400-pound cake made to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Chicago’s Wrigley Field was thrown in garbage after one day of display. It will soon be joined by the next 100 seasons of Cubs baseball.
“Tell me more about that belt sander!” That’s what you’ll be saying when you take Anna from development’s new Coursera course, “Finding Your Inner Tool.” She went to Brandeis!
According to a report in the newspaper China Daily, almost 10,000 Chinese marriages end in divorce every day. “We were constantly fighting,” said Zhang Tao, one of those recently divorced. “She wanted more than one child, and I wanted more than one child.”
Milwaukee Brewers shortstop Jean Segura missed several games this week after his teammate, admitted steroid cheat Ryan Braun, accidentally hit him in the face with a bat while warming up. “See, I’m clean,” said Braun. “Last year, I woulda taken his head right off.”
62 New Jersey high school students have been arrested after trashing their high school by peeing in hallways and flipping over desks. Or, as the rest of the state calls it, “remodeling.”
Yes, Jerry, we get it: You’re a Clippers fan now.
Teenagers from around the globe are tweeting bomb threats at American Airlines after a Dutch teen was arrested for doing so two weeks ago. “Whatever, like anybody could ever get a bomb on a plane,” said Twitter user @StArBellA666, 14. “Airport security has always been, like, ridiculous.”
Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been cited for shoplifting crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket. “I regret this incident,” Winston said in a statement. “When I see legs just sitting there, exposed… I do some crazy things.”
Can anybody work this damn copier?
Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce. “There’s only room for one ring on these fingers,” Wilson told reporters, “and also I wanna fuck some groupies.”
In the wake of the Donald Sterling scandal, which bears NO resemblance at all to the recent incident involving yours truly, NBA great Larry Johnson has called for an all-black basketball league. “We need to punish this 80 year-old white man by forcing all of the 20 year-old white men out of our league,” Johnson said in a statement. “All five of them.”
My girlfriend is half Lietchtensteinian.