Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/8/19

Happy Met Gala, poors! Who are you wearing today?

Oh, this old thing? It’s my aunt. She died last year.

BUSINESS.

A chartered Boeing 737 from Guantánamo Bay, Cuba slid off a Jacksonville runway last Friday, injuring 21. The pilots were said to be severely sleep deprived.

Soldiers in Benin last week fired on protesters following the country’s contentious parliamentary elections. Donald Trump has since tweeted his condolences to the country of Africa.

Anna from Finance, you be Meghan Markle, I’ll be the royal baby. I’m hungry!

Adele and husband Simon Konecki have split, reportedly at the behest of her label.

Intrepid viewers of last week’s episode of Game of Thrones noticed what appeared to be a Starbucks coffee cup in one of the shots, leading to speculation that the show’s producers will soon introduce Howard Schultz as a reasonable, centrist choice for the Iron Throne.

Jerry, that wasn’t Edie Falco.

Donald Trump tweeted Sunday that 2 years of his presidency were “stollen.” He then boasted that the next two would be “strudel, if not full Linzer torte!”

A shark found in the waters near Greenland last year may have been alive for over 400 years. Scientists were stunned that the United States existed for 240 of those years before jumping it.

Next time you go to the bathroom, smile- you’re on camera! After a rash of indiscriminate toilet paper theft, we’ve outfitted all on-campus facilities with state-of-the-art Japanese Zooirushi “Skippy Happy Bum Bum!” toilets. They see (and feel) all!

Since its inception last July, NASA’s newest mission, TESS, has discovered over 1,800 stars that could support habitable planets. Researchers have not yet found any such planets because they no longer remember what one looks like.

New York mayor Bill de Blasio is planning to announce his candidacy for president sometime this week. Aides say he will trumpet his signature progressive achievement: having mixed-race children.

Remember: wealth is a mysteriously accumulated and politically immutable force that must be displayed once a year, ostentatiously, at the celebration of a purely aesthetic nonprofit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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