I wish it hadn’t come to this… but I’ve been forced to send a weekend memo. It seems some of you have already forgotten that time means nothing anymore, and that you can be called on to work at any time of day, any day of the week, so you have begun to take “Saturdays” “off.” I’m going to say this as diplomatically as possible:
is wrong with you?
Vladimir Putin’s chief spokesman, Dmitry Peskov, has tested positive for coronavirus. He reportedly contracted it from one of a number of infected White House staffers.
Mary-Kate Olsen has petitioned a New York City court for an emergency divorce from her husband of five years, French banker Olivier Sarkozy. Judge Judy Berman replied with a GIF of Olsen saying, “You got it, dude!” followed by, “Just kidding, everything is closed.”
Anna from M&A, I found your OnlyFans page 😉
Roy Horn, one-half of legendary tiger-taming duo Siegfried & Roy, has died from coronavirus-related complications. Horn’s partner Siegfried Fischbacher has since released a statement reading, “I am devastated over the loss of my partner, Roy Horn. I am equally excited to announce my new partner, Joe Exotic.”
In the wake of several high-profile COVID-19 infections, the White House has instituted a new mandatory face-covering policy. Mike Pence clarified that the policy will only apply to women, telling reporters, “It’s about time.”
Jerry, you are not Elon Musk’s Cyrano de Bergerac.
Video has emerged of a 113-year-old Spanish coronavirus survivor talking about her battle against the virus. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”
An armed man drove his SUV into a crowd of people gathered for a “Salute to Nurses” parade in Darby, Pennsylvania last Tuesday. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”
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The Los Angeles Times is reporting that some US citizens are not eligible for coronavirus-related stimulus checks because they’re married to immigrants. When asked about the report at a recent press conference, Donald Trump lashed out at reporters, saying, “People who marry immigrants need to learn their lesson! I married one and it’s been HORRIBLE.”
Johnson & Johnson Chief Scientific Officer Paul Stoffels stated publicly last week that the company is aiming to manufacture and deliver 1 billion coronavirus vaccines by 2021. Shares of Johnson & Johnson shot up 20% after the announcement, at which point Stoffels sold all of his shares and tendered his resignation.
Don’t make me send another of these tomorrow.
It’s the lord’s day, for god’s sake.