Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 5/13/18

Happy Mother’s Day, ungrateful brats! You didn’t think I’d let a whole week go by without a memo, did you? I was simply waiting for the day when we may celebrate the greatest mother of all: a woman who was, truly, more than a woman. A woman by whose example we lead our own lives and guide the lives of others, through self-empowerment and righteous defense of the ideals of liberty, freedom, and liberty. A woman whose tireless devotion to ideological purity leads all of us to strive for racial, sexual, and ethnic domination above all other superficial concerns, forever and ever:

Ayn Rand.

BUSINESS.

Israel won this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon, Portugal. The victory proves that peace in the Middle East is possible, by moving Israel to Europe.

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, who plays The Mountain on the hit show Game of Thrones, has been named the World’s Strongest Man. As a reward, the show’s creators have written his character a threesome with his aunt and sister.

Enjoy today while you can, Anna from Finance! The company health plan doesn’t cover your son’s treatments.

Police in California believe they’ve finally apprehended the infamous “Golden State Killer,” LeBron James.

Donald Trump’s former doctor admitted last week that Trump himself dictated a glowing letter about his own health back in 2015. In related news, Melania Trump’s former doctor admitted the First Lady is not an African-American woman named Michelle.

Jerry, breast milk is not tax deductible.

Under Donald Trump’s watch, the US National Debt recently climbed above $21 trillion for the first time. Trump cited the news as proof of his commitment to running the government like one of his businesses.

Charlie Rose is reportedly in talks to host an interview series focusing on men brought down by the #MeToo movement. It is tentatively titled Charlie Rose is an Idiot.

Happy Mother’s Day, banana slugs!

A Swedish decluttering method known as “death cleaning” is gaining popularity worldwide. “It’s very simple:” author Margareta Magnusson writes in her book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, “If you touch it, it goes.”

In a recent report geared towards biotech companies, investment bank Goldman Sachs pondered whether curing patients of chronic diseases is “a sustainable business model.” “If these patients don’t eventually die from their high-cost managed diseases,” analysts warned, “we will have precious few janitorial staff at our main office in hell.”

Remember: rape isn’t rape if it’s hot.

Thanks, Mom!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

duuuun duuuuuun duh dun dun dun dun DUN DUNDUHDUN dun dun DUN dundundundunDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

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