Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/10/18

Welcome to 2018, empty vessels!  Let’s start this new year off right… WITH SOME BUSINESS.

The University of Alabama beat the University of Georgia to win the Division I college football “National Championship” on Monday night.  Tickets to the game rose in value to almost $2,000 before kickoff, or roughly 1/3rd of Alabama’s GDP.

Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton was lambasted on social media recently for suggesting that poor children who cannot afford breakfast eat avocado tortillas.  “I apologize for my mistake,” billionaire Middleton said in a statement.  “I just assumed all poor children lived in Mexico.”

Congratulations, Anna from Operations, on your championship-winning fantasy football team, Roy Moore Elementary!  If Jerry had used that name it would have been wholly inappropriate, but I know your intentions are pure.

Despite not being accused of any sort of sexual harassment, documentarian Morgan Spurlock wrote an open letter to fans saying that he’s “part of the problem” of our gender-unequal society.  Critics say the unexpected gesture was solely designed to generate hype for his upcoming sequel, Super Size #MeToo.

Apple is reportedly considering ending music downloads on its once-popular iTunes store.  As a result, U2’s Songs of Innocence will remain the most downloaded album of all time.

Jerry, no more deportations.

New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art is doing away with its “suggested donation” policy for out-of-towners, and will begin charging a $25 admission fee.  “As part of the decision, the museum will repatriate all of its foreign works to their countries of origin,” Director Thomas P. Campbell said of the controversial decision.  “Just kidding.”

Sources say special counsel Robert Mueller has indicated he would like to interview Donald Trump as part of the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, prompting concerns from Trump that Mueller might actually be a real person.

With snow in the east and mudslides out west, don’t you just want to “dance yourself clean”?  Well now you can!  Join us at 6:30 AM Friday in the third floor cafeteria as we present a special set by James from Accounting’s cover band, Liquid Crystal Boombox!

The bodies of a Swiss couple who went missing 75 years ago have been found perfectly preserved in a receding glacier.  The discovery is seen as a major victory for proponents of global warming.

Last summer, German police seized 5,000 pills shaped like Donald Trump.  The pills are said to be a relative of ecstasy known as “agony.”

I wouldn’t call myself a “very stable genius”… more like a “voluptuous sexual monstrosity.”

-The Chairman

PS- Ever wondered what I think about amaranthPoughkeepsieKojevian rhetoric as it relates to a Christian reading of Hegelian dialectic?  Write to chairofthebored@gmail.com.  THE COLUMNS ARE BACK, BABY.  And I would like nothing more than to educate my loyal (and consenting) workforce in how you can better serve… me.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/29/17

Good morning full-time temps,

It has come to my attention that Donald Trump began this week by eliminating many of his predecessor’s safeguards against climate change. Rest assured we’re responding accordingly, by relocating our Miami office to Mumbai and getting into the lucrative sandbag market.

As for how we will make these “pro-business” measures work for us, I have some ideas. First off, Trump’s EO removes protections on public lands. And since he’s proven that everything public is also private, it should remove protections on private land, too. We intend to take full advantage.

First step: strip mining Mar-A-Lago.

Business!

Following reports that Donald Trump would defund Meals on Wheels, controversial NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to the organization. Critics of the decision say the unsigned quarterback can’t stop throwing things away.

A Mexican newspaper is reporting that American students on a recent spring break trip to Cancun could be heard chanting, “Build that wall!,” to which locals replied, “Please.”

Anna from Transportation, five stars! That was the first Uber I’ve been in that didn’t smell like a public pool.

Last week, several women wore robes from the book (and upcoming TV series) The Handmaid’s Tale to the Texas Senate to oppose proposed abortion laws. Another woman was not allowed in the chamber, as she brought a gun from John Wick.

A new report alleges that Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor to Donald Trump who was found to be working as a foreign agent, did not to sign Trump’s ethics pledge. This is likely because such a pledge doesn’t exist.

Jerry, it is not “Sir Hippopotamus Boar’s Zootopia.”

Donald Trump has announced the creation of a task force, headed by his son-in-law Jared Kushner, to make the government run more like a business. That business is Enron.

Despite asking for an increase of $54 billion in defense spending as part of his proposed budget, Donald Trump has included major cuts to both TSA and the Coast Guard. “Not worried, not worried,” he said at a recent press conference. “Nobody’s ever attacked America with a plane, and last I checked we didn’t have a coast.”

Baseball season’s just around the corner. Get ready by stealing a home!

A group of scientists has created the first-ever stable helium compound. The discovery has given researchers around the world hope that they may someday create the first-ever stable Courtney Love.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has said that Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election could be considered an act of war. “Trust me,” he added, “I would know.”

Bring in the jackhammers!  All that oil under Trump Tower ain’t gonna pump itself…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
 
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
 
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman

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