Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/29/17

Good morning full-time temps,

It has come to my attention that Donald Trump began this week by eliminating many of his predecessor’s safeguards against climate change. Rest assured we’re responding accordingly, by relocating our Miami office to Mumbai and getting into the lucrative sandbag market.

As for how we will make these “pro-business” measures work for us, I have some ideas. First off, Trump’s EO removes protections on public lands. And since he’s proven that everything public is also private, it should remove protections on private land, too. We intend to take full advantage.

First step: strip mining Mar-A-Lago.

Business!

Following reports that Donald Trump would defund Meals on Wheels, controversial NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to the organization. Critics of the decision say the unsigned quarterback can’t stop throwing things away.

A Mexican newspaper is reporting that American students on a recent spring break trip to Cancun could be heard chanting, “Build that wall!,” to which locals replied, “Please.”

Anna from Transportation, five stars! That was the first Uber I’ve been in that didn’t smell like a public pool.

Last week, several women wore robes from the book (and upcoming TV series) The Handmaid’s Tale to the Texas Senate to oppose proposed abortion laws. Another woman was not allowed in the chamber, as she brought a gun from John Wick.

A new report alleges that Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor to Donald Trump who was found to be working as a foreign agent, did not to sign Trump’s ethics pledge. This is likely because such a pledge doesn’t exist.

Jerry, it is not “Sir Hippopotamus Boar’s Zootopia.”

Donald Trump has announced the creation of a task force, headed by his son-in-law Jared Kushner, to make the government run more like a business. That business is Enron.

Despite asking for an increase of $54 billion in defense spending as part of his proposed budget, Donald Trump has included major cuts to both TSA and the Coast Guard. “Not worried, not worried,” he said at a recent press conference. “Nobody’s ever attacked America with a plane, and last I checked we didn’t have a coast.”

Baseball season’s just around the corner. Get ready by stealing a home!

A group of scientists has created the first-ever stable helium compound. The discovery has given researchers around the world hope that they may someday create the first-ever stable Courtney Love.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has said that Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election could be considered an act of war. “Trust me,” he added, “I would know.”

Bring in the jackhammers!  All that oil under Trump Tower ain’t gonna pump itself…

-The Chairman

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