Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/14

Hope you all had a nice Valentine’s Day WITHOUT ME.  Let’s get right to the heartbreak, I MEAN, business.

A recently released document shows that the head of the U.S. special forces ordered the destruction of all images of Osama Bin Laden’s body within two weeks of the raid that killed the Al Qaeda leader.  The special protocol has only been employed twice before, for dangerous terrorist leaders Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur.

Chevron has given residents of Bobtown, Pennsylvania coupons for free pizza after a fracking well exploded in their town.  “Hell yeah,” said local Sam Clifton, 31, “fracking rocks!”

Charlie Sheen is engaged to porn star Brett Rossi.  The happy couple is set to break the Guinness World Record for unique STDs in a marriage, with 25.

Let’s all bid a big “Aloha!” to Anna from the cafeteria!  She won last week’s raffle and will be enjoying an all-expenses paid week in Hawaii with her beau, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt.  Don’t tell Zsa Zsa!

Facebook is buying messaging giant WhatsApp for $19 billion, in a desperate attempt to bring back the poke.
A 101 year-old Florida man has announced he is running for congress, just as soon as he finishes this Matlock marathon.

Jerry, leave the girl scouts alone.  Let them sell their cookies.

A new study suggests that many animals see in ultraviolet.  No one is safe.

Nigerian police shut down a hotel restaurant that had been serving human flesh after finding two human heads wrapped in cellophane inside.  “Gimme a break,” said head chef Leo Adibe, “do you know how hard it is to get that Michelin Star?”

The United States won the gold medal in ice dancing, sparking outrage among those who thought Canada should ha… what?  Huh?  Oh, sorry, I must have nodded off.
The office aviary has a new species on display!  C’mon up to the thirteenth floor- the Guerrero Brush Finch isn’t gonna watch itself!

A Miami artist has destroyed a $1 million Ai Weiwei vase as an act of protest.  When asked what he was protesting, Maximo Caminero replied, “High vase prices!  C’mon down to Caminero’s Discount Vase Emporium!  We have over 500 different types of rare and hard-to-find vases, including those from-“ before being subdued by police.
Michael Sam Sr., father of recently outed NFL prospect and University of Missouri standout Michael Sam, is struggling with the news that his son is gay.  “It’s just that he’s about to make millions of dollars,” Sam Sr. said, “and piss it all away on high-waisted cut offs.”

Hope you’ve all enjoyed this late night memo.  I’m just at the office putting the finishing touches on our merger with Comcast and Time Warner.  Don’t worry… it’s gonna go through.  Monopolies!

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/12/14

Good evening.  I’d like to start, in a rare show of humility, by chastising my performance on last week’s memo.  I strive to keep my workforce abreast of global happenings in an intelligent and unapologetic manner, but last week was not up to snuff.  Please delete last week’s offering from your mailboxes immediately.  I will be conducting an independent review of everyone’s computers at the end of the quarter and anyone found with copies of that email will face immediate, punitive litigation.  Happy Wednesday!
This week, Wesley Snipes became incensed when an LA reporter mistook him for Laurence Fishburne.
New York City-based BrightFarms, Inc. has raised almost $5 million to build greenhouses on or near urban supermarkets.  The company’s CEO Paul Lightfoot released a statement reading, “When the rest of the country legalizes pot, we’ll be ready.”
Thanks to Anna in Accounting, the office is now eco-friendly!  We’ve replaced Styrofoam with biodegradable corn cups.  They’re delicious!  I had two for breakfast.
Legendary Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter has announced he will retire at the end of the season.  “It’s time to focus on what’s really important,” Jeter said.  “Pussy.”
University of Missouri football player and NFL prospect Michael Sam has come out as gay, prompting speculation that teams will avoid drafting him.  “I don’t care if he’s gay,” said one NFL GM, “I just don’t trust a man with two first names.”
The Lego Movie opened this week amidst allegations that it promotes communism.  Lego has issued a statement denying the allegations and reminding people that the best way to fight communism is to buy more Legos.
Jerry, a food fight?  C’mon.
Sky, a five year-old wire fox terrier, took home Best in Show at the 138th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.  “I’d like to thank my family and friends” said Sky, through a translator, “and most of all: Beggin’ Strips: I don’t know it’s not bacon!”
Beloved child star Shirley Temple died Tuesday at the age of 85.  Meanwhile, the Shirley Temple is as popular as ever!
Don’t forget to RSVP for this week’s installment of the Friday Lecture Series: “The Bright Future of MS-DOS” with computer scientist Sergey Medvedeyev.
Organizers have had to fill empty seats with volunteers at the poorly attended Sochi Olympics.  “Yes,” said Chief Organizer Dmitry Chernyshenko, “ ’volunteers.’ ”
Tonight’s Duke-North Carolina basketball game has been postponed.  “We’d love to play,” said UNC head coach Roy Williams, “but our team is just too syphilitic to compete.”
Enjoy the snow, lemmings!  I’ll be burning up the slopes in Aspen with my best friend Robert Blake!  He didn’t kill his wife!
-The Chairman