Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/19/20

OK this isn’t funny anymore. Gramercy Tavern is closed.

Let’s get right to the business.

As of Thursday, there were 218,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus, worldwide. Cases are expected to rise sharply in the United States, where the only individuals able to be tested so far have been pro athletes.

The Cannes Film Festival has been postponed due to coronavirus. “Given the current circumstances,” Festival President Pierre Lescure told reporters, “we have decided to give all of this year’s prizes to the 2015 film Room.”

Don’t forget, Anna from IT, you’re on mandatory work from (my) home!

Idris Elba has been diagnosed with coronavirus. Producers of the James Bond franchise have since released a statement reading, “We are so disappointed that Idris is now forever disqualified from playing James Bond.”

Actor Kristofer Hivju, who played Tormund Giantsbane on Game of Thrones, has also tested positive for the virus. Hivju refuses to confirm or deny that he got it from fucking a bear.

Jerry, gin and tonics do not “ward off” the coronavirus.

Two members of Congress have tested positive for COVID-19. Rep. Ben McAdams (D-UT) has called his diagnosis a wake-up call, urging Americans to think not of people like him, who have ample financial and other resources to deal with the virus, and instead focus on those less able to avoid infection and receive treatment, while Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-FL) has pushed for aggressive new tax cuts.

The governor of Minnesota has signed an executive order designating grocery store workers as emergency employees during the coronavirus pandemic, allowing them access to free childcare. Governor Tim Walz said the extra care would not cost the state very much, as it consists of putting 20-40 children alone in a room labeled “QUARANTINE.”

If you haven’t signed up for Zoom already, what are you waiting for? And no, we will not reimburse.

Actress Vanessa Hudgens has apologized after making insensitive comments about the coronavirus pandemic on an Instagram Live broadcast this week. “Guys, I apologize, but, like, I get it,” Hudgens said on Twitter, “I mean, I did Rent Live! and, like, that’s about AIDS, too.”

Bernie Sanders won the Northern Mariana Islands Democratic presidential caucus on Saturday, gaining four for the territory’s six delegates. The caucus has taken on outsize importance this year because, in two months, the islands will be all that’s left.

Fuck- Eleven Madison Park, too? Fucking FUCK.

What is this, China?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/17/18

Good morning discomfort pioneers,

Great news!  In the wake of the recent MAJOR TAX CUT, I have decided to give everyone a 401K!  AND I will match your first contribution up to $.3.  THAT IS NOT A TYPO!  You know what they say, a penny saved is a penny… BUSINESS.

Paula White, Pentecostal televangelist and spiritual adviser to Donald Trump, has encouraged people to send her their January salary or face punishment from God.  White claims the money will go directly to the almighty creator himself, who incurred massive debt last month fighting the war on Christmas.

Minnesota has been named the happiest state in America by personal finance website WalletHub.  In related news, Mississippi has been named the wealthiest state in America by Civil War blogger Beauregard Johnson III.

Congratulations to Anna from HR on opening the office’s first ever meditation room!  I’ve already “christened” it… twice 😉

JetBlue has begun hiring pilots with no experience necessary.  And it shows.

Lena Dunham has split from her boyfriend of five years, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff.  Antonoff is reportedly “heartbroken,” while Dunham is reportedly “naked.”

Jerry, you did not just win HQ.

Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has registered her disdain for the #MeToo movement, saying, “Let’s not turn women into snowflakes.”  “Women should be viewed the same way as men,” Rice added. “They should be free to grope, to rape, and to fight in endless wars propagated by administrations captured by defense contractors and private security forces.”

Alana Evans, friend of pornographic actress Stormy Daniels – whom Donald Trump reportedly paid $130,000 for her silence regarding a 2006 sexual encounter – claims Trump chased Daniels around a hotel room “in his tighty-whities.”  Experts say Evans was referring to Trump’s underwear, though “tighty-whities” is also Trump’s nickname for his cabinet.

Tomorrow is our sixth annual office pun-off!  Or should I say, “office pun-off-ice”?  I’M-A GONNA WIN.

The same day that Walmart announced that it would be raising employees’ wages by $1 an hour due to the recent tax overhaul, the company also announced it would be closing 63 of its Sam’s Club locations.  Going forward, workers at those locations are expected to make almost as much as when they were employed.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he no longer believes Donald Trump is a “xenophobic, race-baiting religious bigot.”  “I now realize,” Graham added, “that he is so much worse.”

Find a penny, pick it up… and turn it in to Accounting IMMEDIATELY.

-The Chairman

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