Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/17/18

Good morning discomfort pioneers,

Great news!  In the wake of the recent MAJOR TAX CUT, I have decided to give everyone a 401K!  AND I will match your first contribution up to $.3.  THAT IS NOT A TYPO!  You know what they say, a penny saved is a penny… BUSINESS.

Paula White, Pentecostal televangelist and spiritual adviser to Donald Trump, has encouraged people to send her their January salary or face punishment from God.  White claims the money will go directly to the almighty creator himself, who incurred massive debt last month fighting the war on Christmas.

Minnesota has been named the happiest state in America by personal finance website WalletHub.  In related news, Mississippi has been named the wealthiest state in America by Civil War blogger Beauregard Johnson III.

Congratulations to Anna from HR on opening the office’s first ever meditation room!  I’ve already “christened” it… twice 😉

JetBlue has begun hiring pilots with no experience necessary.  And it shows.

Lena Dunham has split from her boyfriend of five years, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff.  Antonoff is reportedly “heartbroken,” while Dunham is reportedly “naked.”

Jerry, you did not just win HQ.

Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has registered her disdain for the #MeToo movement, saying, “Let’s not turn women into snowflakes.”  “Women should be viewed the same way as men,” Rice added. “They should be free to grope, to rape, and to fight in endless wars propagated by administrations captured by defense contractors and private security forces.”

Alana Evans, friend of pornographic actress Stormy Daniels – whom Donald Trump reportedly paid $130,000 for her silence regarding a 2006 sexual encounter – claims Trump chased Daniels around a hotel room “in his tighty-whities.”  Experts say Evans was referring to Trump’s underwear, though “tighty-whities” is also Trump’s nickname for his cabinet.

Tomorrow is our sixth annual office pun-off!  Or should I say, “office pun-off-ice”?  I’M-A GONNA WIN.

The same day that Walmart announced that it would be raising employees’ wages by $1 an hour due to the recent tax overhaul, the company also announced it would be closing 63 of its Sam’s Club locations.  Going forward, workers at those locations are expected to make almost as much as when they were employed.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he no longer believes Donald Trump is a “xenophobic, race-baiting religious bigot.”  “I now realize,” Graham added, “that he is so much worse.”

Find a penny, pick it up… and turn it in to Accounting IMMEDIATELY.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/19/17

Goooooooooood Morning,

Oh my god, can you peons believe we’re still alive??  Neither can I.  We’ve had some close calls since I last sent you all a company update, including a “declaration of war” and a “solar eclipse.”  Not only am I tired of all the winning, I’m tired of living at all!  But we must soldier on, for as Emily Bronte once said, “Heathcliff was a swarthy mariner.”

BUSINESS.

New research suggests the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, plunging the world into a volcanic winter.  Experts say the development is a symbol of America’s unerring determination to end the world, one way or another.

CNBC’s annual study of the “Top States for Business” has named Mississippi America’s cheapest state to live in.  Mississippi did not appear on the titular list of “Top States for Business,” as it has none.

Do yourselves a favor, everyone, and check out Anna the intern’s new webseries, “I Wish I Could Take That Back!”  It is an hilarious peek into the lives of millennial transgenders in Brooklyn!

Hackers have reportedly spent the last several months stealing personal information, including credit card numbers, from guests at Trump hotels.  Unfortunately for them, all of the guests’ assets have already been frozen.

US Olympic gold medal sprinter Gil Roberts, who claims he tested positive for a banned substance because he kissed his girlfriend too much, has had his recent suspension overturned by an arbitrator.  The arbitrator wrote that he found himself in a similar situation once, also with Roberts’ girlfriend.

Jerry, the untimely death of Bob from Sales did not “throw our budget out of whack.”

New evidence suggests that Russian hackers used popular mobile app Pokemon Go to influence US voters during the 2016 election.  Investigators say those same hackers helped to craft the game’s new slogan, “Gotta catch ’em alt-right!”

Actors Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander were married this week in a small ceremony in Ibiza.  I just came.

Join us in Conference Room J this Tuesday for “Weird Al: In Conversation.”  Our special guest this week is former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan!  As always, it’ll be All Weird Al, All The Time.

A gold replica of the 1969 lunar module was recently stolen from the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta, OH.  In its place was a note that read: “It’s in the Buzz Aldrin Museum now, bitches.”

The parents of several women associated with R&B star R. Kelly have come forward to say that their daughters are being held by the singer in a sort of sex cult.  Kelly has denied the claims, insisting that the women are all far too old for him.

Heathcliff, she cried, belly weary from the forlorn markings on the derry, please don’t go.

But I must, said Heathcliff, slowly, as if atwitter with the lorry of truth in his own breast.  And so must you.

And so, filled with love and milkweed eternal, he pushed.  Wailing, she fell to her death from the high, high moor.

Fin.”

-Emily Bronte (as told to Charlotte Bronte (as translated by The Chairman))

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/6/16

Happy belated, America!  You were the greatest country in the world for the better part of 200 years… quite the accomplishment.  Business!

FBI Director James Comey has called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton “extremely careless” with classified information during her time as Secretary of State, but has not recommended bringing charges against her.  “Listen, she’s no longer in a position of power, so who cares?” Comey said at a press conference.  “No further questions.”

A grizzly bear killed a mountain biker last week near Glacier National Park in Montana.  After the mauling, the bear hopped on the dead man’s bike and now has 5,000,000 views on YouTube.

“Started from the bottom now she’s here!”  Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on her promotion to “mail supervisor!”  Thirty years in the making!

The Taiwanese military accidentally fired a missile last week that killed a Chinese fisherman.  “We are furious that the Taiwanese military would mercilessly murder a Chinese citizen, accidentally or otherwise,” Chinese General Fan Changlong told reporters after the incident.  “Only we are allowed to do that.”

Virginia lawmakers have introduced new legislation to prevent 12 year-olds from getting married in the state.  “I like the law,” said Felix Hatfield, 53, whose fiancé is 12 year-old Ellie Mae Jensen.  “I’ve always wanted to move to Mississippi.”

Jerry, it’s called a piccolo, not a “sound phallus.”

A work featuring drifting Gabors took home first place in the Neural Correlate Society’s “Best Illusion of the Year” contest for 2016.  The work narrowly beat out the second place illusion: American democracy.

Notorious infidelity website Ashley Madison has admitted that some of the female “users” of its site are not actual women, but virtual computer programs.  “We decided to come clean, as we don’t want any of our users to feel cheated,” parent company Avid Life Media wrote in a statement.  “Just their spouses.”

Want to “Beat the Heat” this summer?  Why not stay at the office?  The AC is on and the work is reeeeaaaallll cooooooooooool.

Pilot Bertrand Piccard made history last month when he completed a 71-hour journey across the Atlantic Ocean in a solar powered plane.  The actual flight took 14 hours, but Piccard’s team built in an additional 57 hours for self-congratulation.

One of Donald Trump’s advisers told CNN that he expects the “candidate” to pick a running mate by next week.  “His choice will need to fit three main criteria,” the source said, “36-24-36.  And only if she’s 5’3”.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and as they age they sort themselves out into very rich and very poor.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/20/14

Good Afternoon,

Wow!  I was so exhausted by that week of memos that I had to take an entire week off.  Bet you wish you had that luxury… but you sure don’t.  Business!

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw threw his first no-hitter Wednesday night.  Kershaw, 26, is reportedly “elated” and “very, very wealthy.”

An Ohio boy recently came across a mummified corpse hanging in a closet while exploring a vacant house.  Clint Eastwood has since released a statement insisting he was “just resting his eyes.”

With the World Cup in full swing, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge Anna from payroll, who plays for Brazil under the name “Fred.”  Hang in there, girl!  You’ve gotta score sometime…

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre will appear in a new campaign ad for Mississippi senator Thad Cochran.  The ad begins with Favre, seated on a tractor, saying, “As someone who sends frequent, unsolicited pictures of his penis to people, I know a thing or two about the US Senate.”

The Oakland A’s have acquired pitcher Brad Mills from the Milwaukee Brewers for $1.  Mills has since vowed to meet a prostitute with a heart of gold and team up with his Brewers replacement to take down the infamous Duke & Duke commodities brokerage firm.

No, Jerry, Zaire did not make the World Cup.

A Minnesota man has been arrested after lighting his roommate on fire.  “He made the choice not to buy toilet paper,” said Adam John Lilienthal of his now-deceased roommate, “and I made the choice to burn him alive.”

A Long Island principal stands accused of plagiarizing his yearbook remarks to graduating seniors from another principal in Albany, California.  “Well excuse me,” said the accused, Dr. Steven Strachan, “I thought I was supposed to prepare these kids for college.”
 
This is a reminder to please refrain from discussing the World Cup AT ALL while on the 11th floor.  After Spain’s elimination, José Antonio from accounting is perilously close to the edge.
 
Comedian Chelsea Handler has signed a major deal to bring a late night show to Netflix.  The show will be geared mostly towards people who don’t understand time.

A computer program at England’s Reading University has reportedly passed the Turing test for artificial intelligence, fooling a group of judges into believing it was human.  “I don’t understand,” said head judge Manti Te’o, “it told me it loved me.”

Don’t score an own goal on the company or we’ll kill you!

-The Chairman

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