Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/13/15

Sorry for the delay this week, folks- busy sorting through Hillary’s “classified” email.  Man… some of those dicks are huge.  Business!

50 Shades of Grey actor Jamie Dornan is considering quitting the franchise due to his wife’s concerns.  “It hits too close to home for her,” revealed a source close to the actor, “especially the butt stuff.”

McDonald’s is reportedly set to add kale to its menu.  According to filings, McDonald’s® brand Kale™ will contain “100% Certified Angus Beef®, high fructose corn syrup, dimethylpolysiloxane, Yellow No. 5, and artificial kale flavoring.”

Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on your appearance on The Bachelor!  I agree- you look way better as a Chris.

Major League Baseball has announced several rule changes aimed at speeding up pace of play.  The new rules call for, among other things, a 100-yard field, an oblong leather ball, and replacing “outs” with “downs.”

The ex-marine who killed Chris Kyle, the inspiration for the movie American Sniper, has been sentenced to life in prison.  “I was gonna give him community service,” said Judge Amina Johnson of her decision, “but I loved that goddamn movie so much.”

Jerry, please take off the hockey mask.  And machetes are never allowed in the office.

A massive tropical storm known as “Cyclone Pam” is bearing down on the tiny island nation of Vanuatu.  The storm is expected to cause at least as much damage as “Hurricane Pam,” the 340-pound drag queen who descended on a performance of the Broadway musical Xanadu in 2006.

An Indian bride walked out of her recent wedding ceremony because her husband failed to correctly answer a math question.  The husband has reportedly moved on, and will marry 22 year-old American Sally Mae Dunston, whom he met on the website FarmersOnly.com.

Happy Birthday to Polish actress Wiktoria Gąsiewska!  You little rascal- you positively slay me in Rodzina zastępcza and Rodzina zastępcza plus!

A Spanish woman has filed a paternity suit alleging that she is the daughter of famous surrealist painter Salvador Dali.  The woman has refused to submit to a DNA test on the grounds that she is a melted watch.

Lucasfilm has announced a new standalone Star Wars film entitled Rogue One.  The film will star Felicity Jones as the true “rogue” of the Star Wars universe: Jar Jar Binks.

Why do we drive on parkways but set our clocks forward for “Daylight Saving Time”?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/3/14

Good afternoon,

You may have noticed that you did not receive a memo last week.  This was due to an important investigation regarding a private conversation that was recorded without my knowledge and leaked to several popular gossip websites.  That investigation is now ended, and I have established the following:

That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my voice on that recording.  I have always considered myself a great friend to the people of Liechtenstein in every capacity, and I consider all mankind my brethren.  Now that this matter is concluded, I will continue my governance over and ownership of this company in the spirit of justice, fairness, and equality.  Onto the business.

Netflix is raising prices for new customers.  Experts say the company is struggling to make back the millions it spent acquiring the rights to Pootie Tang and Megashark vs Crocosaurus.

A 400-pound cake made to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Chicago’s Wrigley Field was thrown in garbage after one day of display.  It will soon be joined by the next 100 seasons of Cubs baseball.

“Tell me more about that belt sander!”  That’s what you’ll be saying when you take Anna from development’s new Coursera course, “Finding Your Inner Tool.”  She went to Brandeis!

According to a report in the newspaper China Daily, almost 10,000 Chinese marriages end in divorce every day.  “We were constantly fighting,” said Zhang Tao, one of those recently divorced.  “She wanted more than one child, and I wanted more than one child.”

Milwaukee Brewers shortstop Jean Segura missed several games this week after his teammate, admitted steroid cheat Ryan Braun, accidentally hit him in the face with a bat while warming up.  “See, I’m clean,” said Braun.  “Last year, I woulda taken his head right off.”

62 New Jersey high school students have been arrested after trashing their high school by peeing in hallways and flipping over desks.  Or, as the rest of the state calls it, “remodeling.”

Yes, Jerry, we get it: You’re a Clippers fan now.

Teenagers from around the globe are tweeting bomb threats at American Airlines after a Dutch teen was arrested for doing so two weeks ago.  “Whatever, like anybody could ever get a bomb on a plane,” said Twitter user @StArBellA666, 14.  “Airport security has always been, like, ridiculous.”

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been cited for shoplifting crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket.  “I regret this incident,” Winston said in a statement.  “When I see legs just sitting there, exposed… I do some crazy things.”

Can anybody work this damn copier?

Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce.  “There’s only room for one ring on these fingers,” Wilson told reporters, “and also I wanna fuck some groupies.”

In the wake of the Donald Sterling scandal, which bears NO resemblance at all to the recent incident involving yours truly, NBA great Larry Johnson has called for an all-black basketball league.  “We need to punish this 80 year-old white man by forcing all of the 20 year-old white men out of our league,” Johnson said in a statement.  “All five of them.”

My girlfriend is half Lietchtensteinian.

-The Chairman

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