Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/11/18

Gooooooood afternoon, maggots! It’s another beautiful day on the corporate dunghill!

Remember, it is you who make this entire enterprise possible. For it is you who churn through an endless manure of regulations and government overreach, transforming it into a beautiful (and nutritious!) soil of profit. The smell alone is enough to bring a tear to my eye…

Business!

A Rhode Island nudist campground is hiring a lifeguard for this summer. Administrators say the position has great potential for growth.

Black Panther is set to become the first film to screen in a Saudi Arabian movie theater since the country lifted its 35-year ban on cinemas earlier this year. The film has been heavily edited, as it contains multiple salacious depictions of women driving.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on making the first contribution to your IRA! The company will not be matching.

Singer R. Kelly, who reportedly runs a “sex cult” full of brainwashed women (first reported here), now stands accused of grooming a 14-year-old for sex. Kelly has denied the charge, stating, “I haven’t done that since Aaliyah.”

In the months of January and February, the Hungarian government spent €8.1 million on anti-George Soros messaging campaigns. The figure represents a fraction of the approximately €11 trillion Soros paid to protestors during the same time.

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “chlorophyllia.”

A new “smart condom” promises to track sexual performance and detect diseases. “As Facebook has proven,” i.Con creator Mark Hubbings told reporters, “data is a necessary part of getting fucked.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have given birth to their third child via surrogate, a boy named Chicago. Donald Trump has since called the child “a war zone” and threatened to send in the National Guard to control him.

Don’t forget: Monday is National Pet a GMO Day!

A Green Bay Packers wide receiver was arrested last weekend after joking about bringing a bomb to an airport. Once again, he was bailed out by Aaron Rodgers.

The FBI raided the offices of Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen on Monday, in a move Trump called “a total witch hunt.” “He has nothing to hide!” Trump later tweeted. “HE DOES NOT OWN A BROOM”

Keep chewing up the competition, little ones! Maybe someday, you’ll fly away…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman

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