Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/21/19

Good Day Danish Prime Ministers,

I, too, would like to buy Greenland.

BUSINESS.

Representative Steve King of Iowa wondered aloud last week at a breakfast meeting at the Westside Conservative Club whether there would “be any population left” without rape and incest. King later clarified that by “population” he meant “Game of Thrones.”

A Texas brewery is in hot water after naming a beer “Bikini Atoll” after the US nuclear testing site devastated by radiation in the 1940s and 50s. The brewery has said it is actually paying homage to the islands by using radioactive yeast.

Anna from Legal, that outfit should be ILLEGAL.

The newest James Bond film, slated for release in 2020, is titled “No Time to Die.” In a controversial leaked scene, the secret agent fucks an Audemars Piguet.

On his podcast “Hotboxin with Mike Tyson,” the former heavyweight champ said he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana every month. Experts worry that the habit may lead to the death and consumption of some 10,000 children.

Jerry, I am not a “public charge.”

Former Major Leaguer Roger Clemens has dismissed rumors that he may run for Congress in Texas as a Republican. “I understand the confusion, but I am not a politician,” Clemens told reporters recently, “just a douchebag.”

In a new paper published in Science, three scientists propose massive reforestation around the globe as a solution for climate change. The proposal is expected to be adopted by the governments of Monaco, Vatican City, and Sealand.

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about, you sign a comprehensive liability waiver if you work in the warehouse, that’s what it’s all about!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has clarified that its rules prohibit vaping and the consumption of green tea. The church considers both to be “gateway drugs” to realizing a religion founded by a failed supernaturalist con man from Vermont less than 200 years ago is bullshit.

Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to sell the Brooklyn Nets to Joseph Tsai, co-founder of Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba. Power forward Rodions Kurucs, who averaged just 8.5 points per game last season, has since been listed on Alibaba for $30 plus shipping.



OK, OK, OK… $4,000.





IT’S JUST ICE.






Well… it used to be.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/10/19

Buenos Dias,

Spring has sprung, minions! And you know what that means…

Baseball! After the White House’s decision to cancel an agreement that would’ve made it easier for Cuban players come to the US, we’ve decided to step up our “humanitarian relief” efforts in the country! From now on, we’ll be receiving ~75% of any contracts signed by our clients for the rest of their careers. Capitalism >>>>>>> Communism.

PLAY BALL! I mean, BUSINESS!

The Mormon Church has reversed its stance on same-sex couples, no longer considering their unions apostasy and allowing for their children to be baptized. The ruling does not affect the children of same-sex Holocaust victims, as they have already been baptized.

The Federal Election Commission has levied a fine of $390,000 on a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC that received a $1.3 million donation from a Chinese firm during the 2016 election cycle. According to campaign filings, $1.2 million of the gift was used to develop the slogan “Jeb!”

Beer before liquor, never been sicker? Not for Anna the intern, who took down a case of Bud Light and chased it with a fifth of Aristocrat vodka without puking during sorority pledging this weekend! Delta Delta Delta she can help ya help ya HELP YA.

Harvard is looking into allegations that the school’s fencing coach made a sweetheart real estate deal with the parents of two student-athletes that may have affected the students’ admission. “We had no idea how much épéed,” the school’s compliance office said in a statement, “or we would have foiled his plans.”

Breaking with the policies of his predecessor Jeff Sessions, Attorney General William Barr has ordered an investigation into the Department of Justice’s treatment of LGBTQ employees. “Mr. Sessions refusal to look into these issues has made it very difficult to discern who our LGBTQ staff members are,” Barr told reporters, “and eliminate them.”

Jerry, I am not a “thot.”

Agrichemical conglomerate Monsanto has been ordered to pay $80 million to a California man after a judge determined its Roundup weed killer caused the man’s cancer. Monsanto contends the man is a weed.

University of North Carolina women’s basketball coach Sylvia Hatchell is being investigated for allegedly making racist remarks to players. Hatchell contends that she cannot be racist, as she took several classes through the university’s Afro-American studies department.

Need a break this week? Do yourself a favor and take a relaxing walk through our new life-size terrarium in the Sackler wing of the Madoff building! We’ve imported several warm and fuzzy creatures to brighten your day, like the world’s biggest tarantula, the Goliath Birdeater! Please sign a waiver before entering.

Thirteen parents implicated in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal have agreed to plead guilty to federal prosecutors. Under the terms of the deal, they will each have to take the SAT twice a year until they die.

Elizabeth Holmes, founder of fraudulent med tech company Theranos, is engaged. The couple has refused to take a blood test.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
If you get caught then you’ll never come back
So let’s scoot, scoot scoot to the dinghy
You’ll be, just so glad you caaaaaaame
For it’s one, two, three million bucks
Or there’s nooooo baaaalllll gaaaaaaaaame!

-The Chairman

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