It has come to my attention that many people are suffering because of this pandemic. I had no idea. I have decided to personally match all donations, dollar-for-dollar, to the Kids Wish Network, up to $10.
As Mr. Rogers said: “Look for the helpers.”
One of Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. Trump has denied ever meeting the man, whom he calls “a Deep State traitor.”
Tom Cruise will reportedly partner with NASA to film a movie aboard the International Space Station. The film is expected to cost approximately 75,000 N95 masks.
Anna from IT, I think I found a locket with your picture in it in Conference Room C… oh wait, it’s mine!
COVID-19 has been found in semen, raising fears that it could be transmitted sexually. “Yeah,” said Fred Malzenburg, a 52-year-old former waste management professional from Akron, Ohio, “that’s how I got it for sure.”
Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly paid $1.1 million for speeches he never gave as part of a Mississippi welfare fraud scheme. “I didn’t speak, but I fulfilled my commitment to those people,” Favre said. “I sent them some… pictures.”
Jerry, Reno is not “the safest place in the world.”
A woman killed by an alligator at a South Carolina gated community last week was there to do a homeowner’s nails. “We are devastated,” the homeowner, who wished to remain anonymous, told a local newspaper. “Consuela was… how do I say this?… her name, I think.”
Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, has contracted coronavirus. As a result, her husband is quarantining in Florida with his closest other relatives, a colony of flesh-eating bacteria known as Vibrio vulnificus.
Due to a marked decrease in undocumented immigration stemming from coronavirus, the HR department will be now be performing maintenance duties. They’ve taken your shit for long enough, and now they have to clean it up!
New York’s subway system was completely shut down for the first time in history Wednesday for a coronavirus-related deep cleaning. Upon further inspection, it is not expected to reopen.
The final Nazi message decoded by the British government has been released in honor of the 75th anniversary of VE Day. “Surrender all units,” the message reads, “and initiate operation Drumpf.”
“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
… but that’s not why I’m doing it.