Internal Memo for Friday, 5/8/20

Good Evening,

It has come to my attention that many people are suffering because of this pandemic. I had no idea. I have decided to personally match all donations, dollar-for-dollar, to the Kids Wish Network, up to $10.

As Mr. Rogers said: “Look for the helpers.”

Respectfully, business.

One of Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. Trump has denied ever meeting the man, whom he calls “a Deep State traitor.”

Tom Cruise will reportedly partner with NASA to film a movie aboard the International Space Station. The film is expected to cost approximately 75,000 N95 masks.

Anna from IT, I think I found a locket with your picture in it in Conference Room C… oh wait, it’s mine!

COVID-19 has been found in semen, raising fears that it could be transmitted sexually. “Yeah,” said Fred Malzenburg, a 52-year-old former waste management professional from Akron, Ohio, “that’s how I got it for sure.”

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly paid $1.1 million for speeches he never gave as part of a Mississippi welfare fraud scheme. “I didn’t speak, but I fulfilled my commitment to those people,” Favre said. “I sent them some… pictures.”

Jerry, Reno is not “the safest place in the world.”

A woman killed by an alligator at a South Carolina gated community last week was there to do a homeowner’s nails. “We are devastated,” the homeowner, who wished to remain anonymous, told a local newspaper. “Consuela was… how do I say this?… her name, I think.”

Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, has contracted coronavirus. As a result, her husband is quarantining in Florida with his closest other relatives, a colony of flesh-eating bacteria known as Vibrio vulnificus.

Due to a marked decrease in undocumented immigration stemming from coronavirus, the HR department will be now be performing maintenance duties. They’ve taken your shit for long enough, and now they have to clean it up!

New York’s subway system was completely shut down for the first time in history Wednesday for a coronavirus-related deep cleaning. Upon further inspection, it is not expected to reopen.

The final Nazi message decoded by the British government has been released in honor of the 75th anniversary of VE Day. “Surrender all units,” the message reads, “and initiate operation Drumpf.”

“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
-Proverbs 19:17

… but that’s not why I’m doing it.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/14/19

Hello Summertime Sadlets,

I, The Chairman, am BACK after a much-needed 2-week vacation. After all, writing the memo isn’t all I do for this company- I also schedule it, send it out, admonish you for not reading it, and, of course, PROFIT.

I had a lot on my mind during my little “summer” “break”: unnecessary protests in Hong Kong, unnecessary deaths in America, unnecessary remakes of Home Alone… but what consumed my consciousness more than anything else was Dustin Diamond. Yeah, Screech. Does he still work here? I hired him a while back to do some sexual harassment training videos for our Thailand office and I heard he was still hanging around? Are we paying him or what? Don’t get me wrong, I like a celebrity boxer as much as the next guy, but if we can no longer write off his per diems as a compliance expense he’s gotta go.

Dustin, if you’re reading this, thank you for your service. Now GTFO.

BUSINESS.

An asteroid large enough to destroy a city came within 44,000 miles of Earth last month. NASA has released a statement promising they will redirect the next one to Washington, DC.

A new study links anticholinergics, a widely-used class of drugs, to a much higher risk of dementia. The study’s publishers have admitted their findings may be unreliable, as many subjects kept forgetting to take their pills.

Anna from Maintenance, I had no idea you were a Juggalo! Wasn’t that sex tent great?

A jury has ruled that singer Katy Perry’s 2013 hit “Dark Horse” copied parts of a 2009 Christian rap song called “Joyful Noise.” The jury ruled that the former song’s lyrics were eerily similar to the original, “So you wanna play with Jesus, boy you should know what you’re fighting for, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jeeesssssuuuus, Jesus you’re a dark horse.”
 
An Iranian cargo ship sank off the Azerbaijani coast late last month. The vessel was reportedly carrying a shipment of tiles that the Iranian government has called “weapons-grade.”

Jerry, we all know you do CrossFit.

A proposed merger between T-Mobile and Sprint has been given the go-ahead by the United States Justice Department. Should the deal finally be consummated, it would mark the first successful connection for either company.

Singer Wayne Newton is being sued after a monkey bit a girl who was visiting his Las Vegas home in 2017. Newton is said to be “surprised and grateful” that the suit was not related to sexual assault.

Have you ever dreamed of owning your own home? Well, now you can with our company-sponsored friends and family mortgages! They have a low introductory rate of .0001% APR for the first year, and only 50% every year thereafter! Inquire with HR today!

Amsterdam is planning to ban all fossil fuel-powered cars from the city by 2030. “There’s really no need for them,” Mayor Femke Halsema said on Tuesday, “you can go just as fast cycling on mushrooms.”

Kim Kardashian has trademarked the name “Kimono” for her new shapewear line. The act has angered many of her Japanese fans, who wish she would make another sex tape where she fucks an octopus.

UPDATE: If you do come into contact with Dustin at any point, exercise extreme caution. He may be armed.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/8/19

Happy Met Gala, poors! Who are you wearing today?

Oh, this old thing? It’s my aunt. She died last year.

BUSINESS.

A chartered Boeing 737 from Guantánamo Bay, Cuba slid off a Jacksonville runway last Friday, injuring 21. The pilots were said to be severely sleep deprived.

Soldiers in Benin last week fired on protesters following the country’s contentious parliamentary elections. Donald Trump has since tweeted his condolences to the country of Africa.

Anna from Finance, you be Meghan Markle, I’ll be the royal baby. I’m hungry!

Adele and husband Simon Konecki have split, reportedly at the behest of her label.

Intrepid viewers of last week’s episode of Game of Thrones noticed what appeared to be a Starbucks coffee cup in one of the shots, leading to speculation that the show’s producers will soon introduce Howard Schultz as a reasonable, centrist choice for the Iron Throne.

Jerry, that wasn’t Edie Falco.

Donald Trump tweeted Sunday that 2 years of his presidency were “stollen.” He then boasted that the next two would be “strudel, if not full Linzer torte!”

A shark found in the waters near Greenland last year may have been alive for over 400 years. Scientists were stunned that the United States existed for 240 of those years before jumping it.

Next time you go to the bathroom, smile- you’re on camera! After a rash of indiscriminate toilet paper theft, we’ve outfitted all on-campus facilities with state-of-the-art Japanese Zooirushi “Skippy Happy Bum Bum!” toilets. They see (and feel) all!

Since its inception last July, NASA’s newest mission, TESS, has discovered over 1,800 stars that could support habitable planets. Researchers have not yet found any such planets because they no longer remember what one looks like.

New York mayor Bill de Blasio is planning to announce his candidacy for president sometime this week. Aides say he will trumpet his signature progressive achievement: having mixed-race children.

Remember: wealth is a mysteriously accumulated and politically immutable force that must be displayed once a year, ostentatiously, at the celebration of a purely aesthetic nonprofit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/25/17

Hello, my right-to-work rapscallions!

It’s me, your old pal The Chairman, back and better than ever after two straight months of presidential transition horse-trading.  Rest assured I did everything in my power to turn back the clock to a time when America was the G-D GREATEST.

Now, as some of you may know, I was a teensy bit nervous about the impending “Trump administration.”  However, over the past several minutes, I have come to welcome our new tangerine overlord with open legs.  You see, when presented with a set of alternative facts, um, one has no choice but to, you know…
Oh for fuck’s sake BUSINESS.

In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Donald Trump announced that his 2020 campaign slogan would be “Keep America Great,” a tagline used in the horror film The Purge: Election Year.  The film, which depicts a dystopian society in which all crime is condoned by the state, is being called the first-ever “accidental documentary.”

Following her husband’s inauguration, First Lady Melania Trump returned home to New York, where she will reside until her 10-year-old son Barron finishes school.  By “school,” Trump means “postdoctoral study.”

Anna from the cafeteria, SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS!  Haha- just kidding.  Glad we can still make that joke for a few more days.

Despite controversy, the marching band from historically black Talladega College performed as part of Donald Trump’s Inauguration Day festivities.  Trump was said to be “pleasantly surprised” by the band’s performance, calling it “not like Chicago at all.”

During his “first official press briefing,” White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer indicated that Donald Trump will move forward with construction of the controversial Dakota Access Pipeline.  The announcement was met with excitement and immediately hailed as “the most rational thing the administration has done so far.”

Jerry, there are no grizzly bears here.

NASA has released a short film compiled from photographs taken of Pluto by the organization’s New Horizons spacecraft, which flew near the dwarf planet in 2015.  Looks habitable.

In further NASA news, the soon-to-be-defunct agency believes that it has spotted two new comets in our solar system.  “Unfortunately,” said Deputy Principal Investigator James “Gerbs” Bauer of the discovery, “neither appears to be headed towards Earth.”

How about that Women’s March, huh?  Fun signs.

Neuroscientists claim to have discovered a song that reduces anxiety by up to 65 percent.  Due to extraordinary demand, the song is now available on iTunes for $750.

As one of his first acts in office, Donald Trump has reinstated the so-called “Mexico City policy,” which bans federal funding to any overseas NGOs that provide abortion services.  “Oh, no,” Trump said, addressing the many fetuses around the globe affected by the policy, “you’re not getting off that easy.”

When’s the next press briefing?  I gotta set my DVR…

-The Chairman

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