Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/22/17

Helloooooooooo, потенциал национальной безопасности Советники! Я думал, что “МакМастер” был довольно прохладный Кодовое нашей инфильтрации. Он удивительно реалистичное, не так ли? Спасибо, спасибо … Я binged Westworld на прошлой неделе. БИЗНЕС.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer and New York’s Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect recently traded barbs on Twitter following a rash of anti-Semitic incidents around the US.  The latter is reportedly distressed by the former’s intention to create the need for many more such centers in the future.

Canadian conglomerate Restaurant Brands, which owns both Burger King and Tim Hortons, is nearing a deal to acquire fried chicken chain Popeyes.  If the purchase is successful, the company will be responsible for approximately 32% of all heart attacks in North America each year.

Анна из сельского хозяйства, Вы уверены, что знаете, как коллективизировать! О времени кто-то сделал это правильно.

Republicans in Congress have declared their intentions to roll back the Endangered Species Act.  Many expect the decision will backfire in two years, when it will no longer be there to protect them.

The 2017 Eurovision song competition is in jeopardy after 21 members of the Ukrainian organizing team quit following a change of leadership.  Various European countries have since expressed surprise that Vladimir Putin would start his coup with the Eurovision organizing team.

Джерри, Чернобыль не был “ложный флаг”.

Notorious Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugabe says that Americans should give Donald Trump a chance.  “I didn’t kill 20,000 civilians overnight,” Mugabe said in a recent press conference.  “I worked up to it.”

Breitbart “News” senior editor Milo Yiannopolous has resigned after his past comments condoning pedophilia were uncovered.  Yiannopolous claims his remarks were taken out of context, an excuse experts say won’t work at his next position in hell.

Завтра Национальная оборона Дня Отечества! Помните … нет ничего за его пределами.

Scientists have created, and subsequently destroyed, the first half-human, half-pig embryo, but not before Donald Trump says it voted illegally in the 2016 presidential election.

The United States Tennis Association has formally apologized to Germany for performing the country’s Nazi-era national anthem before a recent Fed Cup match.  “We are deeply, deeply sorry,” USTA spokesperson Matt Griner told members of the German media, “for assuming you were on our side.”

Как мой русский бабушка говорила: «Без науки нет пыток, и мы все здесь для науки».

– председатель

PS- Я извиняюсь за ранее анекдоте Евровидения. Будьте уверены, что я убил гей-цыгана, который отвечает за него. Приветствую.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/1/17

Hola amigos!  Es El Chairmanista!  Yo sneako a qui bêfore el Wall-e!  Now DAME MAS TU JOBS.

Fighting between Ukrainian troops and Russia-backed rebels in Eastern Ukraine has escalated in the past several days, with each side blaming the other for violating a negotiated ceasefire.  The rebels have reportedly lost at least five soldiers, including three who worked on Donald Trump’s campaign.

A New Jersey man has died after a dumbbell flew through his car windshield and struck him last week.  The incident is the 5,540th dumbbell-related death in New Jersey so far this year.

Great news, everybody- Anna from Legal has signed a new four-year contract!  Although I can’t imagine what legal action she could possibly take during that time…

Peyton Manning appeared alongside Donald Trump as a speaker at the GOP retreat in Philadelphia last week, sparking renewed debate about the long-term effects of concussions.

A disturbing new Stanford study shows that 12 out of 10 middle school, high school, and college students can’t tell the difference between real and fake news.

Jerry, you are not “the office Sally Yates.”

Actress Mary Tyler Moore died last week at the age of 80, proving once and for all that working women can’t have it all.

According to reports, some senior members of the Trump White House maintained private email accounts on a Republican National Committee server until last week.  All have since disabled said accounts, except for Steve Bannon, who refused to delete what he called “20 years of research on the Jews.”

Eenie, meenie, miney, moe, catch a tiger by the toe… and that’s animal abuse!  To learn more workplace dos and don’ts, stop by our annual HR luncheon this Friday at 1 PM in Conference Room C.  Don’t forget your toothbrush!

Donald Trump’s visit to Palm Beach, FL this weekend will be his second vacation since being sworn in as president two weeks ago.  Unfortunately, neither appears to be permanent.

A Nazi-themed café in Indonesia has shut down due to a lack of customers, but the owner says he plans on reopening in a more “strategic” location.  “People don’t love Nazis here, but I have found a place where they do,” owner Henry Mulyana told local reporters.  “The American White House.”

Yo quiero (a) Taco Bell (staffed by robots).

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/17/16

Morning, eggheads.  This is your brain on drugs- business drugs.

A new study suggests that millennials are having less sex than the previous generation.  Their reasons for abstention include STDs, the economy, and other millennials.

Drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s son has been kidnapped from a restaurant in the trendy resort town of Puerto Vallarta, in what Mexican authorities are calling a “Monday.”

Wow, Anna from Marketing- Minnie Driver?  I didn’t know she liked women.

Justin Bieber has quit Instagram.  Sadly, just Instagram.

E! reality show “I Am Cait” has been cancelled after two seasons.  Apparently the network had reservations about the first episode of the third season, tentatively titled “North Carolina.”

Jerry, American involvement in World War II did not constitute a “land grab.”

Brendan Dassey, one of the subjects of the Netflix true crime series Making a Murderer, has had his conviction overturned by a federal judge.  In related news, Netflix is making a documentary showing that HBO is, in fact, illegal.

A recent inspection at an upstate New York nuclear plant revealed a “minor” radiation leak that has gone unfixed for at least four years.  That makes it the second longest-running man-made disaster in the area, after the Buffalo Bills.

This week we’ll be celebrating our proud partnership with one of our sister companies, Indigo Tajikistan.  They’ve recently stopped using slave labor!

A red panda that escaped from a Chinese zoo eight months ago has been recovered from a tree near the facility.  Shortly before its capture, the animal reportedly told associates that it was going back to do “one last job.”

Berlin, Europe’s rapidly growing capital of veganism, is now home to a reported 80,000 vegans.  “Careful,” the city’s mayor Michael Müller recently said in a statement, “this is how the Nazis started.”

Rachel Leigh Cook… she really was “all that.”

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/27/14

Good Morning,

It’s LGBTQ week at the office!  I’m Q!  Business!
 
A Dutch UNICEF ambassador has resigned her post after tweeting a photoshopped picture of Colombian soccer players snorting cocaine off the field.  “I picked the wrong joke, and I am truly sorry,” actress Nicolette Van Dam said in a statement.  “If there’s anything Colombia is known for, it’s shooting their players after they have a bad match.”
 
Singer Katy Perry has offered to write Hillary Clinton a theme song if the senator decides to run for president in 2016.  “You already did!”  Clinton tweeted in response to the offer, “I’ve kissed several girls and I liked them!”

Big week for Anna from swimwear!  Summer’s heating up!!

Katie Couric married financier John Molner over the weekend, sadly ensuring that my Couric-Lauer fan fiction will remain just that.
 
Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed relics from an ancient plague that may have helped spread Christianity.  “These artifacts represent an important time in the history of our religion,” said Pope Francis, “and have given me a very good idea.”

Jerry, I saw the teeth marks.

According to a recent CDC study, excessive drinking causes 10% of deaths in working adults.  In non-working adults, the figure jumps to 100%.
 
A Native American group is planning to file a $9 billion lawsuit against the Cleveland Indians, claiming the organization’s “Chief Wahoo” logo is offensive.  “Based on this country’s history,” said Indians president Mark Shapiro, “we fully expect that the Native Americans will somehow wind up owing us money.”

The United States has advanced to the round of 16 at the World Cup!  In celebration, everyone gets to watch the next match on his or her DVR when he or she finishes work on Tuesday!

Actor Shia LaBeouf has been charged with disorderly conduct after disrupting a performance of Cabaret on Broadway.  “I always had a hunch, but this proved it,” said one chagrined theatergoer, “Shia LaBeouf is worse than the Nazis.”

The German government has canceled a contract with Verizon over concerns that the company may be sharing data with the US government.  “We just cannot afford to take any risks,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in a statement, “I’ve got a lot of kinky shit on my phone.”

A Maryland father recently hit a teacher with a baseball bat for sending his daughter “inappropriate texts.”  In a related story, teachers in Maryland have students’ cell phone numbers.

George from legal came out today.

-The Chairman

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