Internal Memo for Sunday, 8/2/20

Hello Human Robot Dogs,

Had to wait a day to confirm, but I have great news! Those extra $600/week unemployment benefits have officially gone the way of the dodo. That means more potential employees for our ever-growing company! Please disseminate our hiring advertisements far and wide. We pay up to $500/week (based on a 100-hour workweek at $5/hour), with the opportunity to make up to $10/hour after 3 years! Open positions include:

Short-order cook (Houston, Texas)
Nursing home aid (Boca Raton, Florida)
Human body collector (Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Crisis actor (various)
Masseuse (my home office)
Human shield (Idlib, Syria)

Don’t work to live, LIVE (or die) to WORK.

Who says Congress doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the American people?

Business!

High school basketball recruit R.J. Keene recently revealed his college choice by donning a logo mask. Keene, who had declined to wear a mask before making the announcement, is reportedly “very, very sick.”

NFL player Malik Jackson is suing famed body shop West Coast Customs, alleging that they misquoted him prices for work done on two vehicles. Jackson claims rapper Xzibit appeared at his house last year begging to “pimp his rides,” adding, “for free, dawg- I need this.”

Anna from HR, who invited you into the NBA bubble?

An acquaintance of Ghislaine Maxwell claims the disgraced socialite “has tapes of two prominent US politicians having sex with minors.” When asked about the report, Representative Jim Jordan said, “I refuse to believe that there is only one other pedophile in Congress with me.”

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has introduced a bill to end federal funding for any public K-12 schools that teach The New York Times Magazine’s groundbreaking “1619 Project,” which reframes United States history around slavery. “We cannot allow our children to be taught anything that is not universally and verifiably true,” Cotton said, “like the Bible.”

Jerry, John Lewis is not an anagram of JonBenét Ramsey.

Beloved television icon Regis Philbin has passed away. Donald Trump has tweeted his condolences to Larry King’s family.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has tested positive for coronavirus. “The Supreme Court ruled that half my state is owned by fucking Indians, and I got coronavirus,” Stitt told reporters Monday. “Not a coincidence.”

I would like to take a moment to address the recent coronavirus outbreaks at several of our meat processing plants in North Carolina. I am truly, madly, deeply sorry that our robust supply chain has been disrupted. This has been a difficult, meatless time for many, not least of whom are those who have been forced to celebrate the funerals of their relatives who worked at various meat processing plants in North Carolina without the product to which the deceased devoted their lives. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we speed up the transition from human to automated labor.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has been labeled an “extremist” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When asked to comment on the designation, Miller replied, “I am not a virgin. How could you possibly even insinuate that? I have a wife. A beautiful, human wife.”

Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams is in quarantine for 10 days after telling the NBA he was leaving the league’s Orlando bubble to attend a funeral in Atlanta, only to show up on a rapper’s Instagram story taken at the Magic City strip club. “To be clear: it was a funeral,” Williams wrote on Twitter, “for DEEZ NUTS, cause they been worked to DEATH.”

Oh, and I’m also hiring a food taster. When the revolution comes, you’ll be killing one of your own!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/19/20

OK this isn’t funny anymore. Gramercy Tavern is closed.

Let’s get right to the business.

As of Thursday, there were 218,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19, or the novel coronavirus, worldwide. Cases are expected to rise sharply in the United States, where the only individuals able to be tested so far have been pro athletes.

The Cannes Film Festival has been postponed due to coronavirus. “Given the current circumstances,” Festival President Pierre Lescure told reporters, “we have decided to give all of this year’s prizes to the 2015 film Room.”

Don’t forget, Anna from IT, you’re on mandatory work from (my) home!

Idris Elba has been diagnosed with coronavirus. Producers of the James Bond franchise have since released a statement reading, “We are so disappointed that Idris is now forever disqualified from playing James Bond.”

Actor Kristofer Hivju, who played Tormund Giantsbane on Game of Thrones, has also tested positive for the virus. Hivju refuses to confirm or deny that he got it from fucking a bear.

Jerry, gin and tonics do not “ward off” the coronavirus.

Two members of Congress have tested positive for COVID-19. Rep. Ben McAdams (D-UT) has called his diagnosis a wake-up call, urging Americans to think not of people like him, who have ample financial and other resources to deal with the virus, and instead focus on those less able to avoid infection and receive treatment, while Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart (R-FL) has pushed for aggressive new tax cuts.

The governor of Minnesota has signed an executive order designating grocery store workers as emergency employees during the coronavirus pandemic, allowing them access to free childcare. Governor Tim Walz said the extra care would not cost the state very much, as it consists of putting 20-40 children alone in a room labeled “QUARANTINE.”

If you haven’t signed up for Zoom already, what are you waiting for? And no, we will not reimburse.

Actress Vanessa Hudgens has apologized after making insensitive comments about the coronavirus pandemic on an Instagram Live broadcast this week. “Guys, I apologize, but, like, I get it,” Hudgens said on Twitter, “I mean, I did Rent Live! and, like, that’s about AIDS, too.”

Bernie Sanders won the Northern Mariana Islands Democratic presidential caucus on Saturday, gaining four for the territory’s six delegates. The caucus has taken on outsize importance this year because, in two months, the islands will be all that’s left.

Fuck- Eleven Madison Park, too? Fucking FUCK.

What is this, China?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/11/20

Ooh, my little pretty one, 
My pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, corona
Ooh, you make my motor run,
My motor run
Got it coming offa the line, corona

Never gonna stop
Give it up
Such a dirty mind
Always get it up
For the touch
Of the younger kind
My my my my my WOO

M-m-m-myyyy corona
M-m-m-myyyy corona

Am I the only one who can’t get that classic (and prescient) 70s anthem out of my head? It even mentions touch! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been missing our usual officewide hugs and gooses most of all. But don’t worry, several of my highly paid friends in the medical profession assure me that the weak will be culled soon enough and we can get back to what we do best…

Business.

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told lawmakers Wednesday that the NBA should consider playing its games without fans due to coronavirus concerns. “We’re merely suggesting that the NBA’s fans take a cue from its players,” Fauci said, “and take a lot of games off.”

In a related story, the Ivy League has canceled its conference basketball tournament in the interest of public health. Many fans of the league have expressed excitement to have discovered a new way to feel superior to everybody else.

Anna from Maintenance, I’ll need you to start disinfecting my office hourly. Because of the virus and… yeah, because of the virus.

The Exorcist star Max von Sydow has died. Maybe.

A biotech firm in London is seeking 24 volunteers to be injected with coronavirus for over $4,500 each. The volunteers will then be placed together in a 14-day quarantine where they will be filmed for the new ITV series Love Island: Coronavirus.

Jerry, do not distribute any more of your “hand sanitizer.”

A female Komodo dragon in a Tennessee zoo has given birth to three hatchlings without a male partner. Twelve other Komodo dragons have since begun work on a 66-book collection centering on the virgin birth that they expect to last well over 2,000 years and inform the most personal and consequential decisions of countless other Komodo dragons around the world.

In further Tennessee news, a 94-year-old ex-Nazi concentration camp guard living in the state will be deported after the US government found evidence of his past on a sunken World War II ship. Since arriving in the United States the man, Friedrich Karl Berger, has reportedly been living quietly in the Memphis area posting pro-Donald Trump memes on Facebook.

Do you find yourself touching your face a lot at work? Well don’t, ya perv!

In response to the coronavirus outbreak in the country, China has banned sale and consumption of the endangered pangolin. Experts fear the ban may lead to China’s losing its identity as the world’s foremost originator of novel coronaviruses.

Nik Wallenda, who angered some by wearing a safety harness while traversing an active volcano by tightrope last week, has said that the extra safety precaution was added by broadcaster ABC. “We couldn’t have Nik fall flat on his face and then burst into flames,” ABC spokesperson Manfred Gonzalez wrote in a statement, “we have enough of that with our Thursday night lineup.”

Come a little closer, huh,
A-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, corona
Keeping it a mystery,
It gets to me
Running down the length of my thigh, corona

That is how it feels, apparently! Just like pneumonia running down your thigh!

The Knack, man.

The Knack.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/10/19

Hello Wealthy Acquaintances,

I’ve never met the man. Let’s move on.

Business!

Former independent presidential candidate Ross Perot has died. According to his will, Perot requested to be buried “just close enough to Bush to make him nervous.”

A new law in Mississippi makes it illegal to label non-meat products with terms like “burger” and “hot dog.” In related news, Mississippi has become the first US state to eradicate the opioid crisis.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Payable, for taking a cue from the US Women’s Soccer team and advocating for equal pay within the company! The answer is no.

Scientists have spotted two supermassive black holes that appear set to collide. The Shapiro-Krassenstein debate will reportedly occur in September.

Billionaire hedge fund manager Jeffrey Epstein (whom, again, I barely know), has been charged with sex trafficking involving minors. Epstein has said the women could not possibly have been underage, because “Donald said they weren’t.”

Jerry, we don’t have an “All-Star Break.”

Bay Area congressman Eric Swalwell has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. Swalwell left his mark during last month’s Democratic Debate when he challenged voters to remember his name.

In further 2020 campaign news, California billionaire and Democratic megadonor Tom Steyer is officially running for president. “I pledge to you, the American people,” Steyer said in an introductory press conference, “that I will somehow wind up wealthier when I soon drop out of this race.”

Mark your calendars! On August 5th, the Westboro Baptist Church will be visiting our offices as part of “Religious Freedom Awareness Week.” Diversity!

Golfer Jon Daly has withdrawn from the upcoming British Open after being denied use of a cart. Open officials have since released a statement clarifying that Daly requested a beverage cart.

NBA Finals MVP Kawhi Leonard has signed with the Los Angeles Clippers. In response, former Clippers owner Daniel Sterling has vowed never to rent a house to Leonard “or anyone who looks like him.”




Who said anything about a private island?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/26/19

Hello fellow women’s soccer stars,

The World Cup is on! And BOY, has it been… on!

I haven’t watched a minute, but that’s because I’ve been too busy doing research on the team.

Gotta be prepared. Business!

Former NBA Coach of the Year Don Nelson is now a marijuana farmer on Maui. “This gig is great,” Nelson said in a recent interview, “it keeps me in touch with a lot of current players.”

In further NBA news, the league is reportedly exploring shortening its regular season and creating an in-season tournament. The in-season tournament will reportedly be called “March Madness,” and it will involve unpaid college athletes playing for a small number of spots in the next year’s draft.

Don’t give up, Anna from Finance! Only $200 to go on your Kickstarter for new implants!

Bloomberg reports that Donald Trump’s latest round of tariffs targeted towards China may raise the cost of Bibles in the United States. “This is clearly fake news,” Trump said in a statement, “God will not stop printing the Bible.”

In further Trump news, the businessman has denied a new rape allegation by writer E. Jean Carroll by saying, “She’s not my type.” When asked what his type was, Trump replied, “Beautiful clean coal.”

Jerry, you did not qualify for the Democratic debates.

A substitute teacher in Texas has been fired after she filmed a pornographic movie in her classroom. The teacher contends that she was unfairly targeted, as she’s seen “plenty” of porn filmed in schools.

The only police officer in Cement, Oklahoma has been arrested on child prostitution charges following a lengthy internal struggle.

If you’ve been suffering from indigestion lately, you’re not alone! In a cost-cutting measure, I’ve recently fired the entire cafeteria staff and replaced them with Guatemalans.

An internationally famous Russian poker player was found dead after being electrocuted while dying her hair. Friends said Lilya Novikova was “very smart with poker” and “that’s it.”

The oldest living European, 116-year-old Giuseppina Robucci, has died. Robucci credited her survival through two world wars that ravaged the continent to “hating the Jews when I needed to.”

Watching this team, I’ve gotten really good at dribbling.






… that was too far.









… even for me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/7/19

Dear Caravan Migrants,

My apologies for the delay in releasing this week’s memo- we have been in the midst of a MAJOR CRISIS. In light of Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen’s disturbing testimony yesterday, I am instituting a hiring freeze on potential employees from all Central American countries. I am also ordering the erection of an intentionally disorganized tent city near Gate C at Parking Lot 5 to house all those who came for interviews but will no longer be admitted. For decades, these countries have been sending the company their worst, and we are just now realizing it. I have been asleep at the wheel, but rest assured that from now on, I will be very “woke.”

BUSINESS.

California’s Santa Anita Racetrack has suspended racing indefinitely after 21 horses had to be put down over the past 2 months. Experts predict the 2020 Democratic primary will soon be canceled for similar reasons.

According to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, 7 million Americans are at least 90 days overdue on their car payments, a worrying sign for the economy. The news comes at the start of year three of the controversial Trump administration policy “Too Small Not To Fail.”

Anna from Accounting, 900 beads??

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek has been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. When asked how hard the condition will be to treat, Trebek replied, “It’s not too bad- maybe a $600 in Potent Potables.”

An unvaccinated French child has reportedly reintroduced the measles virus to Costa Rica while on vacation there with his family. French President Emmanuel Macron has said he worries the incident will ruin the French reputation for being “an extremely hygienic people.”

Jerry, your “brand value” is not $4 billion.

Last April, police fined a Connecticut man for using a cell phone while driving, but the driver maintains that the phone in question was actually a hash brown. When asked by a judge why he did not eat the hash brown at any point, the man replied, “Cause I was busy on my phone.”

A novel antidepressant is poised to come on the market, the first such drug to debut in decades. Doctors are calling the drug “three years too late.”

In honor of this week’s NFL combine, stop by the second-floor cafeteria for your comprehensive physical evaluation! Remember, your short shuttle time determines your health insurance premium.

A new in-depth report by ESPN has revealed that disgraced former NBA referee Tim Donaghy not only bet on games he officiated, but may have fixed their outcomes. “We have officially launched an internal investigation,” New York Knicks owner James Dolan said of the report, “into whether Tim Donaghy refereed every single Knicks game of the past twenty years.”

At a recent advisory committee meeting, Donald Trump called Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple.” Trump later said he meant it as a term of endearment, like “Mike VP” or “Melania Stockholm Syndrome.”

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a chain-link fence enclosed into a chamber on a concrete floor.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/3/14

Good afternoon,

You may have noticed that you did not receive a memo last week.  This was due to an important investigation regarding a private conversation that was recorded without my knowledge and leaked to several popular gossip websites.  That investigation is now ended, and I have established the following:

That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my voice on that recording.  I have always considered myself a great friend to the people of Liechtenstein in every capacity, and I consider all mankind my brethren.  Now that this matter is concluded, I will continue my governance over and ownership of this company in the spirit of justice, fairness, and equality.  Onto the business.

Netflix is raising prices for new customers.  Experts say the company is struggling to make back the millions it spent acquiring the rights to Pootie Tang and Megashark vs Crocosaurus.

A 400-pound cake made to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Chicago’s Wrigley Field was thrown in garbage after one day of display.  It will soon be joined by the next 100 seasons of Cubs baseball.

“Tell me more about that belt sander!”  That’s what you’ll be saying when you take Anna from development’s new Coursera course, “Finding Your Inner Tool.”  She went to Brandeis!

According to a report in the newspaper China Daily, almost 10,000 Chinese marriages end in divorce every day.  “We were constantly fighting,” said Zhang Tao, one of those recently divorced.  “She wanted more than one child, and I wanted more than one child.”

Milwaukee Brewers shortstop Jean Segura missed several games this week after his teammate, admitted steroid cheat Ryan Braun, accidentally hit him in the face with a bat while warming up.  “See, I’m clean,” said Braun.  “Last year, I woulda taken his head right off.”

62 New Jersey high school students have been arrested after trashing their high school by peeing in hallways and flipping over desks.  Or, as the rest of the state calls it, “remodeling.”

Yes, Jerry, we get it: You’re a Clippers fan now.

Teenagers from around the globe are tweeting bomb threats at American Airlines after a Dutch teen was arrested for doing so two weeks ago.  “Whatever, like anybody could ever get a bomb on a plane,” said Twitter user @StArBellA666, 14.  “Airport security has always been, like, ridiculous.”

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been cited for shoplifting crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket.  “I regret this incident,” Winston said in a statement.  “When I see legs just sitting there, exposed… I do some crazy things.”

Can anybody work this damn copier?

Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce.  “There’s only room for one ring on these fingers,” Wilson told reporters, “and also I wanna fuck some groupies.”

In the wake of the Donald Sterling scandal, which bears NO resemblance at all to the recent incident involving yours truly, NBA great Larry Johnson has called for an all-black basketball league.  “We need to punish this 80 year-old white man by forcing all of the 20 year-old white men out of our league,” Johnson said in a statement.  “All five of them.”

My girlfriend is half Lietchtensteinian.

-The Chairman

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