Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/18/19

Happy Mueller Report Day, [redacted]! You had to wait for this special edition of the memo just like Congress had to wait to find out that [redacted] discovered the true identity of [redacted] while surveilling [redacted], which led to [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and a generous [redacted] of [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] steak frites.

Absolutely [redacted].

[REDACTED]!

A new study indicates that workers who fake positivity while serving customers are at greater risk for heavy drinking when they get off work. In response to calls to change its policies, TGI Friday’s has instead created a pilot program called “TGI AA.”

A new study has found high numbers of microplastic particles in the air in France’s Pyrenees Mountains, leading one researcher to label microplastic “a new atmospheric pollutant.” As a result, Netflix has stopped streaming The Graduate.

Anna from Compliance, nice cameo in Game of Thrones! I wish you’d let me ride you like you let Jon Snow 😉.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that she wants to take the California bar exam by 2022. Kardashian said she plans to uphold the family tradition of being famous for anything other than practicing law.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has declared that, if re-elected, he will begin annexing the West Bank. The move has inspired Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to vow that if he is re-elected, he will begin nuking Pakistan.

Jerry, apologize to the people of France.

UK grocery chain Waitrose has pulled an assortment of Easter ducks in which the dark chocolate piece was labeled “Ugly” after accusations of racism. The store has said it plans to re-release the collection with the duck instead labeled “Objectively Beautiful But Systemically Devalued Through Years Of Unchecked Imperialism, Colonial Aggression, And Unrealistically Eurocentric Beauty Standards (Trust Us, We Would Know, We’re British).”

Donald Trump tweeted this week that he will award the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, to Tiger Woods. “He’s become a role model for a lot of people, including me,” Trump said in a statement, “by sleeping with so, so many women.”

In anticipation of Easter, the HR team has been at it like rabbits! They’ve gone and hidden special festive eggs all around the office. What kind, you ask? Why, the only kind that’s been proven to defend against autoimmune diseases, of course: tapeworm! Happy hunting!

In a letter released last Thursday, retired Pope Benedict blamed the child sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. “If those people hadn’t had kids,” Benedict wrote, “and then their kids hadn’t had kids, and then those kids hadn’t had kids, none of this would have ever happened.”

A new report says FEMA may have exposed the personal information of some 2.3 million disaster survivors. “There is obviously a silver lining here,” FEMA press secretary Lizzie Litzow said in a statement, “any leaked addresses are unusable.”

I can’t believe [redacted] peed on [redacted] while [redacted] watched! The Steele Dossier was [redacted]!

We’re all [redacted].

-The [redacted]

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/14/18

Gooooood morning, sports fans! As some of you are no doubt aware, the yearly roundball phenomenon known as “March Madness” begins tomorrow! I don’t know about you, but I can already taste the sweat…

Business!

Days after the Chinese Communist Party abolished term limits, allowing President Xi Jinping to continue ruling indefinitely, Donald Trump mused that he might “give that a shot” as well. “I’ve been saying it all along,” Trump told assembled reporters, “I’m a dictator!”

At a recent conference in Houston, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that the US could either continue using fossil fuels or “go back to living like we were living in the mid-1800s.” Perry then added, “I mean, either is fine with me- I like oil but slavery rules.”

Watch out, Anna from Intelligence– the Russians are coming! Remember, if you suspect you’ve been poisoned by a military-grade nerve agent, stop, drop, and roll… yourself to a hospital immediately.

Washington has become the first US state to pass a law preserving net neutrality. As a result, all Internet traffic into and out of the state must be “neutrally” approved by Amazon.

In further Amazon news, CEO Jeff Bezos received the Buzz Aldrin Space Exploration Award at the Explorer’s Club Annual Dinner Saturday night in New York City. At the dinner, the current richest man in the world was seen eating iguana and ignoring widespread poverty.

Jerry, please stop referring to yourself as “the overall #1 seed.”

During his annual address to Russia’s parliament, President Vladimir Putin touted his country’s military might by showing an animation of nuclear missiles bearing down on Florida. When asked afterwards about the controversial video, Putin replied, “I tried to pick a neutral target- someplace no one would miss.”

Former President Barack Obama is in talks with Netflix about a possible “production partnership.” Netflix plans to sign Obama to two successive four-season deals, after which the platform will shut down completely.

Don’t forget to stop by our special Pi Day bake sale on the third floor! All proceeds benefit STEM education at our for-profit girls’ school in Rwanda. Help them help you!

Notorious “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud. A judge has since inflated the sentence to 125 years, just ‘cause.

Workers have uncovered several ancient, ornate chambers while working on Rome’s subway system. Though the chambers’ former purposes are unclear, they were believed to have been where emperors fornicated with porn stars.

What the fuck is a “Bonnie”?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/20/14

Good Afternoon,

Wow!  I was so exhausted by that week of memos that I had to take an entire week off.  Bet you wish you had that luxury… but you sure don’t.  Business!

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw threw his first no-hitter Wednesday night.  Kershaw, 26, is reportedly “elated” and “very, very wealthy.”

An Ohio boy recently came across a mummified corpse hanging in a closet while exploring a vacant house.  Clint Eastwood has since released a statement insisting he was “just resting his eyes.”

With the World Cup in full swing, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge Anna from payroll, who plays for Brazil under the name “Fred.”  Hang in there, girl!  You’ve gotta score sometime…

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre will appear in a new campaign ad for Mississippi senator Thad Cochran.  The ad begins with Favre, seated on a tractor, saying, “As someone who sends frequent, unsolicited pictures of his penis to people, I know a thing or two about the US Senate.”

The Oakland A’s have acquired pitcher Brad Mills from the Milwaukee Brewers for $1.  Mills has since vowed to meet a prostitute with a heart of gold and team up with his Brewers replacement to take down the infamous Duke & Duke commodities brokerage firm.

No, Jerry, Zaire did not make the World Cup.

A Minnesota man has been arrested after lighting his roommate on fire.  “He made the choice not to buy toilet paper,” said Adam John Lilienthal of his now-deceased roommate, “and I made the choice to burn him alive.”

A Long Island principal stands accused of plagiarizing his yearbook remarks to graduating seniors from another principal in Albany, California.  “Well excuse me,” said the accused, Dr. Steven Strachan, “I thought I was supposed to prepare these kids for college.”
 
This is a reminder to please refrain from discussing the World Cup AT ALL while on the 11th floor.  After Spain’s elimination, José Antonio from accounting is perilously close to the edge.
 
Comedian Chelsea Handler has signed a major deal to bring a late night show to Netflix.  The show will be geared mostly towards people who don’t understand time.

A computer program at England’s Reading University has reportedly passed the Turing test for artificial intelligence, fooling a group of judges into believing it was human.  “I don’t understand,” said head judge Manti Te’o, “it told me it loved me.”

Don’t score an own goal on the company or we’ll kill you!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/3/14

Good afternoon,

You may have noticed that you did not receive a memo last week.  This was due to an important investigation regarding a private conversation that was recorded without my knowledge and leaked to several popular gossip websites.  That investigation is now ended, and I have established the following:

That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, not my voice on that recording.  I have always considered myself a great friend to the people of Liechtenstein in every capacity, and I consider all mankind my brethren.  Now that this matter is concluded, I will continue my governance over and ownership of this company in the spirit of justice, fairness, and equality.  Onto the business.

Netflix is raising prices for new customers.  Experts say the company is struggling to make back the millions it spent acquiring the rights to Pootie Tang and Megashark vs Crocosaurus.

A 400-pound cake made to celebrate the 100th anniversary of Chicago’s Wrigley Field was thrown in garbage after one day of display.  It will soon be joined by the next 100 seasons of Cubs baseball.

“Tell me more about that belt sander!”  That’s what you’ll be saying when you take Anna from development’s new Coursera course, “Finding Your Inner Tool.”  She went to Brandeis!

According to a report in the newspaper China Daily, almost 10,000 Chinese marriages end in divorce every day.  “We were constantly fighting,” said Zhang Tao, one of those recently divorced.  “She wanted more than one child, and I wanted more than one child.”

Milwaukee Brewers shortstop Jean Segura missed several games this week after his teammate, admitted steroid cheat Ryan Braun, accidentally hit him in the face with a bat while warming up.  “See, I’m clean,” said Braun.  “Last year, I woulda taken his head right off.”

62 New Jersey high school students have been arrested after trashing their high school by peeing in hallways and flipping over desks.  Or, as the rest of the state calls it, “remodeling.”

Yes, Jerry, we get it: You’re a Clippers fan now.

Teenagers from around the globe are tweeting bomb threats at American Airlines after a Dutch teen was arrested for doing so two weeks ago.  “Whatever, like anybody could ever get a bomb on a plane,” said Twitter user @StArBellA666, 14.  “Airport security has always been, like, ridiculous.”

Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston has been cited for shoplifting crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket.  “I regret this incident,” Winston said in a statement.  “When I see legs just sitting there, exposed… I do some crazy things.”

Can anybody work this damn copier?

Seattle Seahawks Super Bowl-winning quarterback Russell Wilson has filed for divorce.  “There’s only room for one ring on these fingers,” Wilson told reporters, “and also I wanna fuck some groupies.”

In the wake of the Donald Sterling scandal, which bears NO resemblance at all to the recent incident involving yours truly, NBA great Larry Johnson has called for an all-black basketball league.  “We need to punish this 80 year-old white man by forcing all of the 20 year-old white men out of our league,” Johnson said in a statement.  “All five of them.”

My girlfriend is half Lietchtensteinian.

-The Chairman

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