Happy Earth Day, parasites!
Speaking of parasites… I did NOT like that movie. Why did all the most hardworking, charitable characters die? And don’t get me started on what they did to that BEAUTIFUL house…
BUSINESS.
New York’s famed Upright Citizens Brigade improv theater and training center are permanently closing. The move is being hailed as “an important stimulus,” one that could save millennials up to $3 billion dollars over the next year.
Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has come out of retirement and been traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where he will reunite with longtime quarterback Tom Brady. Tampa Bay Head Coach Bruce Arians has said the team is not done scouting former Patriots tight ends and has instructed his scouts to “kick the tires” on Aaron Hernandez.
Ana from our Belize office, have you ever noticed that your name is in “mañana”? Makes sense, cause you always seem too far away…
US oil prices fell below $0 a barrel on Monday to their lowest point since trading began in 1983. Donald Trump has since announced that he will personally purchase all barrels of oil that are unable to be stored for a price of $100/barrel, at which point he will generously sell them to the federal government at $200/barrel.
A Connecticut man broke into a shuttered restaurant last week and spent four days consuming thousands of dollars worth of food and alcohol. The man will not face any charges, as he was socially distancing.
Jerry, you are not quarantining with Soledad O’Brien.
The Washington Post is reporting that FEMA recently gave a $55 million contract to Panthera Worldwide, LLC, a bankrupt company with no employees, to produce N95 masks for the agency. “We have the utmost confidence in Panthera’s capabilities,” FEMA spokesperson Lizzie Litzow said in response to the report, “we used them during Katrina.”
In related news, the Army Corps of Engineers has awarded a $569 million contract to a Montana construction firm to build 17.17 miles of border wall between California and Mexico. Lieutenant General Todd T. Semonite later said that the ACOE would have undertaken the project itself, but Donald Trump said he wanted the money spent on “anything but testing.”
The NFL Draft begins tonight! Join our office predictor pool before 7 PM for your chance to win a one-hour Zoom call with Tom from accounting! He does a GREAT John Madden impression.
Shake Shack has announced that it is returning the $10 million it received from the federal government’s PPP program for small businesses following widespread backlash. The company said that the $10 million was no longer necessary, as it has since sold 100 burgers.
The global coronavirus pandemic is being used by mafia groups in Italy as an opportunity to expand their influence. “The mafia has been wonderful; they’ve been coming by and testing us every day,” Naples resident Carlo Fratello told La Stampa. “For 10 euro, we’ll test negative.”
50 Earth Days… and the world* has gotten healthier with each one!
*our vast sub-Saharan mining operation.
-The Chairman
PS- 봉준호는 공산주의자
