Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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