Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/30/19

Hello, fellow rightful leaders of Venezuela! It’s like a real-life Game of Thrones, but with less sex and food.

Business!

Embattled Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro last week gave American diplomats 72 hours to leave the country after Donald Trump recognized opposition leader Juan Guaido as Venezuela’s lawful president. The Trump administration responded with a statement reading, “What’s a diplomat?”

In response to the high price of Super Bowl commercials, Mars, Inc. will stage a fully realized, 30-minute Broadway musical about Skittles starring Michael C. Hall on Sunday, February 3rdNew York Times theater critic Ben Brantley has hailed the show as “the perfect marriage of Hamilton and Yellow No. 5.”

Anna from HR, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Yes, in that you’re both hot!

A new report in the Irish Medical Journal details how a Dublin man attempted to cure his chronic back pain by injecting himself with his own semen every month for 18 months. When asked how he produced so much semen, he replied, “Why do you think I have a bad back?”

Officials in parts of the American Midwest where wind chill temperatures reached -60 degrees this week have warned of the potential for almost instant frostbite upon going outside. As a response, Donald Trump has ordered National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you are not seeking the Democratic nomination for president.

The White House has announced that a second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will occur in February. Trump has said now is a good time to reach out to adversaries like Kim, because “relations with all our allies are going so well.”

Billionaire hedge fund manager Ken Griffin has bought a penthouse apartment in New York City for $238 million, the most ever paid for an American home. Just 7 years ago, Griffin told the Chicago Tribune “I think there are a lot of things about ’08 that are worth discussing. Every time there’s been a bubble in asset prices, people get hurt. I think it’s very unfortunate that as a culture we were so encouraged by both the past stability of home prices and a litany of government programs to buy homes, to view them as a safe place to put a significant amount of our net worth, so that as a society we pushed home prices way above where they should have been. When that bubble burst, a lot of people got hurt.”

This Sunday, come watch the Super Bowl in Conference Room XX! When Alex Guerrero wins, we all win.

Parts of Rent, Jonathan Larson’s seminal 1996 musical that was performed live (sort of) last Sunday on FOX, may have been plagiarized from a 1990 novel by lesbian writer Sarah Schulman called “People in Trouble.” If true, it would mark the only known instance of appropriation of any aspect of gay culture by any straight person ever.

Singer Ariana Grande recently tried to get a tattoo of the Japanese characters representing the name of her new song “7 Rings,” but instead got a tattoo of characters meaning “barbeque grill.” Grande has since defended her decision by saying, “To be fair, I didn’t know what I was getting with Pete, either.”

Venezuela should just build a wall. THEY WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/15/18

Hello, consenting adults!  I’ve decided to do a little something different with this week’s memo.  I’ve been feeling slightly “out of touch” with what’s been going on in the world lately, so I’ve made an executive decision to use this communiqué to highlight the latest trend that’s been sweeping the nation…

That’s right: It’s all sexual assault, all the time.

IS THERE ANYTHING HOTTER??

😎

BUSINESS.

Actor Ed Westwick is being investigated by the LAPD after actress Kristina Cohen accused him of sexual assault in a Facebook post.  Somehow the assault, which allegedly occurred three years ago, went unreported by Gossip Girl.

The former owner of New York City club Socialista has corroborated a Fox News reporter’s account of a 2007 encounter with Harvey Weinstein during which the producer masturbated into a potted plant.  In addition, recently uncovered emails reveal the plant was given a role in the 2017 film Tulip Fever in exchange for its silence.

Anna from HR, you’re a fucking prude.  You GO girl!

Yahoo! news reports that Russian trolls watched the Netflix series House of Cards as research for the 2016 presidential election.  “It was a pretty big task, getting a sexual predator into the White House,” said one operative, who goes by the name “Maksim.”  “We wanted to see how they did it.”

Star Trek actor George Takei has been accused of sexual assault stemming from an incident that allegedly happened in 1981.  Takei has vehemently denied the accusations, claiming that, in the 80s, he “only had eyes for Shatner.”

Jerry, no means no.

Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler has defended Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore against allegations of sexual assault involving a fourteen-year-old girl by citing the biblical example of Joseph and Mary.  “See, Joseph, he was a lot older than Mary,” Zeigler told reporters at a recent press conference.  “Whaddya mean they didn’t have sex?!”

A former Mad Men writer has accused series creator Matthew Weiner of sexual assault, alleging that he told her she “owed it to him to let him see (her) naked.”  “I thought he viewed me as a Joan,” writer Kater Gordon wrote in a statement.  “But, in that moment, I realized I was a Peggy.”

This Saturday, join us in Conference Room B for our first ever sexual assault training seminar!  We keep up with the times, even when they’re a reeeeaaaaalllllllll downer.

In an unprecedented move, Sony has decided to reshoot all of Kevin Spacey’s scenes in the upcoming film All The Money In The World in the wake of sexual assault allegations against the actor.  Spacey’s character will be played by Christopher Plummer, whom the studio has called “hopefully celibate.”

Weeks after actress Hilary Burton accused Ben Affleck of groping her in 2004, the actor has said he would like to be “part of the solution” to sexual assault in Hollywood.  Hours later, he castrated himself.

C’mon, guys- rape the environment, not people.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/5/17

Good Morning,

Well, fuck it, I tried.  I did absolutely everything I could to make this company profitable and give back to the shareholders and fuck over everyone who doesn’t work for us and enrich myself greatly by quasi-legal means.  And what did I get in return?  The Syrian government is killing children with chemical weapons and North Korea is firing ballistic missiles at Japan.  Meanwhile, the United States has a real estate shyster and the head of a fossil fuel company doing diplomacy.  Oh, and did I mention that at least one of those two DIDN’T WANT THE FUCKING JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Now it’s only a matter of time before every single one of us is incinerated in the greatest extinction event since the dinosaurs.  WHICH EXISTED, MIKE PENCE.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

It is with a heavy heart that I present to you what may very well be the last business of our lives.

A new study indicates that playing a single game of Tetris can reduce the effects of PTSD.  And increase the effects of TSD.

New York design firm Clouds Architecture Office has drafted plans for a skyscraper that would orbit the Earth while hanging from an asteroid.  The structure is being marketed as the perfect place for those who “don’t want to close their eyes, don’t want to fall asleep.”

Congratulations, Anna from HR.  I’m glad you finally graduated from community college in time to die.

A missing Indonesian man was recently found dead in the belly of a giant python.  To clarify, the man was Chinese, but the python’s name was Donesia.

The number of heroin users in the United States has increased fivefold.  And that’s just since November.

Jerry, do whatever the fuck you want.

A new company is matching up people with opposite political views over free Starbucks coffee, in the hopes that they can at least agree it tastes burnt.

Following its successful launch of a recycled rocket booster, Elon Musk’s company SpaceX is currently hiring 473 positions.  The only necessary qualification is an ability to be talked down to.

Who wants scones?  Enjoy your last indulgence before our fiery apocalypse- Conference Room C.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed to close famed prison complex Rikers Island.  In response, HBO is suspending original content development indefinitely.

The Coastal Carolina University cheerleading squad has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged prostitution.  Some of the school’s sports teams reportedly became suspicious when the cheerleaders’ only chant was “Give me a D!”

You know what I’ll miss most?  Apples.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

-The Chairman

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