Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/26/14

Good Evening,

The funeral service for Anna from payroll will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Help church on Sanders between Ellington and Broadway.  In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to Anna’s favorite charity, the Marijuana Policy Project.

The New York Jets have signed former Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick, who spent almost two years in prison for dogfighting.  Vick’s deal is said to be worth $5 million, all of which he plans on donating to dog-related charities.  Just kidding.

The White House is reportedly “very concerned” about further Russian aggression in Ukraine.  Just last Friday, President Obama was seen actively using a phone.

New evidence shows that Michael Rockefeller, grandson of John D. Rockefeller, may have been eaten by cannibals.  The evidence comes in the form of New Guinea cannibal chief Ajam, who told reporters, “Rich white guy?  Glasses?  Yeah, I probably ate him.”

Let’s all take a moment to welcome our newest employee, Anna Robertson!  I know, it’s gonna be weird having another Anna in payroll after all that’s happened, but… you’ll get used to it.

Russia has taken over a group of specially trained attack dolphins in Crimea.  “Seriously, guys,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “is there anything more ‘me’ than attack dolphins?”

The National Labor Relations Board in Chicago has ruled that Northwestern football players are university employees and are thus able to unionize.  In typical Chicago union fashion, the players celebrated by bribing several elected officials and beating up Mayor Rahm Emanuel “’til he got the message.”

Jerry, you are not going to be “one and done.”

A recent study using NASA data has determined that society as we know it will collapse in a matter of decades.  “We are living in an unsustainable world,” writes mathematician Safa Motesharrei.  “There is simply too much McConaughey.”

Nick Cannon has come under fire for donning whiteface to promote his new album, “White People Party Music.”  “Y’all white people need to lighten up,” said Cannon.  “Get it?  ‘Lighten up’?  Man, I’m racist.”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are separating after 11 years of marriage.  Their child Apple, however, is stuck with that name for the rest of her life.

BRACKET UPDATE: Jennifer from sales is winning, having picked 14 of the 48 games correctly.  You guys suck at this.

Three elite US Secret Service members were sent home from a recent trip to Amsterdam after getting drunk on the job.  “I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” said an agent who requested anonymity, “we wear sunglasses like, all the time.”

Speaking in the Netherlands Tuesday, President Obama said that he is more worried about a nuclear bomb going off in Manhattan than he is about Russia.  Russian president Vladimir Putin responded swiftly with a statement reading, “What about both?”

Facebook has acquired virtual reality company Oculus VR for $2 billion.  “This is an historic day,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, “from now on, it’ll be like your advertisers are in the room with you.”

Fuck you, Putin.  Yeah, I said it.

-The Chairman

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