Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/30/19

Hello, fellow rightful leaders of Venezuela! It’s like a real-life Game of Thrones, but with less sex and food.

Business!

Embattled Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro last week gave American diplomats 72 hours to leave the country after Donald Trump recognized opposition leader Juan Guaido as Venezuela’s lawful president. The Trump administration responded with a statement reading, “What’s a diplomat?”

In response to the high price of Super Bowl commercials, Mars, Inc. will stage a fully realized, 30-minute Broadway musical about Skittles starring Michael C. Hall on Sunday, February 3rdNew York Times theater critic Ben Brantley has hailed the show as “the perfect marriage of Hamilton and Yellow No. 5.”

Anna from HR, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Yes, in that you’re both hot!

A new report in the Irish Medical Journal details how a Dublin man attempted to cure his chronic back pain by injecting himself with his own semen every month for 18 months. When asked how he produced so much semen, he replied, “Why do you think I have a bad back?”

Officials in parts of the American Midwest where wind chill temperatures reached -60 degrees this week have warned of the potential for almost instant frostbite upon going outside. As a response, Donald Trump has ordered National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you are not seeking the Democratic nomination for president.

The White House has announced that a second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will occur in February. Trump has said now is a good time to reach out to adversaries like Kim, because “relations with all our allies are going so well.”

Billionaire hedge fund manager Ken Griffin has bought a penthouse apartment in New York City for $238 million, the most ever paid for an American home. Just 7 years ago, Griffin told the Chicago Tribune “I think there are a lot of things about ’08 that are worth discussing. Every time there’s been a bubble in asset prices, people get hurt. I think it’s very unfortunate that as a culture we were so encouraged by both the past stability of home prices and a litany of government programs to buy homes, to view them as a safe place to put a significant amount of our net worth, so that as a society we pushed home prices way above where they should have been. When that bubble burst, a lot of people got hurt.”

This Sunday, come watch the Super Bowl in Conference Room XX! When Alex Guerrero wins, we all win.

Parts of Rent, Jonathan Larson’s seminal 1996 musical that was performed live (sort of) last Sunday on FOX, may have been plagiarized from a 1990 novel by lesbian writer Sarah Schulman called “People in Trouble.” If true, it would mark the only known instance of appropriation of any aspect of gay culture by any straight person ever.

Singer Ariana Grande recently tried to get a tattoo of the Japanese characters representing the name of her new song “7 Rings,” but instead got a tattoo of characters meaning “barbeque grill.” Grande has since defended her decision by saying, “To be fair, I didn’t know what I was getting with Pete, either.”

Venezuela should just build a wall. THEY WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/2/18

Good morning, mercenaries! Welcome to day 2,963 of the bloody conflict in Syria! In case you were wondering, our profits have netted out to about $36,500 per day. Not bad for the Middle East! In fact, we estimate that at war’s end (~2035), we will own 98% of all Syrian oil. Hubba hubba!

Now that’s what I call liberation.

Business!

The New York Times is reporting that, while serving as state senator, EPA chief Scott Pruitt bought an Oklahoma house from a lobbyist. Pruitt reportedly used the house to fuck his mistress: the planet.

The six biggest banks in the United States saved $3.6 billion last quarter thanks to last year’s Republican tax bill. All six say the money will be much better spent on a small number of shareholders than on “the public schools none of them attended.”

Thanks for the endorsement, Anna from LinkedIn! I had no IDEA you’d seen me do mime.

The United Kingdom plans to ban plastic straws, stirrers, and cotton swabs. The proposed ban follows a similar one on toothbrushes from 1575.

Donald Trump has asked several African nations to support a US-led bid for a 2026 North American World Cup. “We really need your voluntary support,” Trump said in a recent press conference, “just like your people voluntarily supported us in creating a thriving, cotton-based economy in the American South throughout the 18th and 19th centuries.”

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

A picture of a Spanish woman has gone viral because of her stunning resemblance to Donald Trump. After seeing the photo, Mike Pence is no longer allowed to be alone in the same room as his boss.

DMX’s lawyer played the rapper’s song Slippin’ in court last week in the hopes the judge might lessen her client’s sentence for tax evasion. The attorney said she was inspired by fellow rapper Xzibit’s sex trafficking trial last year, which featured several screened episodes of Pimp My Ride.

COFFEEPOTS! Who’s got em?

The Lyrid Meteor Shower peaked last weekend. Oops.

Wireless companies T-Mobile and Sprint have announced plans to merge. Negotiations are ongoing, as their calls keep dropping.

Keep on fighting, rebels! We $tand with you.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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