Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for 4/20/14

He is risen!  And by “He,” of course, I mean the memo.  Lo and behold, three days later… business!
 
San Francisco 49ers starting quarterback Colin Kaepernick is being investigated for sexual assault.  The alleged victim’s identity is being kept secret, but sources say it is the Green Bay Packers defense.
 
Beginning in 2015, Stephen Colbert will succeed David Letterman as host of CBS’ “The Late Show with David Letterman.”  “I couldn’t be happier,” Letterman said, “I am confident Stephen will keep up our illustrious tradition of humor, heart, and banging staffers.”
 
Thank you, Anna Rubenstein from Accounting, for your generous and dignified Passover seder.  Did Elijah ever show up?  Hope we didn’t waste that gefilte fish.
 
A New Jersey woman is suing the state’s Motor Vehicle Commission after she was denied the vanity license plate “8THEIST.”  Her requests for the plates “J35U5 5UXX” and “HA1L S8AN” are still pending.

US Airways is under fire this week after sharing a graphic photo on Twitter.  “If there is a silver lining,” said US Airways CEO Doug Parker in a statement, “it’s that everyone now knows how good my honeymoon was.”

Jerry, a third nipple does not qualify you for disability.

The Borgata Casino is suing professional poker player Phil Ivey, claiming he cheated it out of $10 million.  Ivey has called his actions “gambling.”
 
The New York Yankees completed a triple play against the Tampa Bay Rays on Thursday.  It’s about time that franchise caught a break.

Remember, the annual post-Easter rabbit feast will be held this Tuesday in the cafeteria.  Don’t forget to cast your vote for braised or roasted!
 
Recent satellite images have shown a mysterious shape that some believe to be the Loch Ness Monster.  Jenny McCarthy has released a statement blaming the shape for her son’s autism.
 
Short memo today, guys… gotta prep for the big round of drug tests tomorrow!
 
-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/15/14

Afternoon, dumbwaiters.  What can you silently deliver the company today?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, already in hot water for a controversial “traffic study” during his tenure, is being investigated for misuse of federal funds after Hurricane Sandy.  “Is the president leading the investigation?” asked Christie, “because he knows a thing or two about misuse of federal funds.”

New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez has been suspended for the entire 2014 season for his use of performance-enhancing drugs.  This is baseball’s longest ban since Honus Wagner’s 242-game suspension in 1899 for “repeated and willful failure to wear suspenders.”

With such cold temperatures outside, why not enjoy a cup of hot cocoa?  Anna in the mailroom has set up a stand in the cafeteria and staffed it with local homeless children.  Warm up and give back!  But not to the kids, we don’t want them hanging around.

Pamela Anderson has remarried ex-husband Rick Salomon.  Besides Anderson, Salomon has previously been linked to Shannen Doherty and Paris Hilton, and his life was the inspiration for the hit comedy Lars and the Real Girl.

A Southwest Airlines flight landed at a different Missouri airport than expected on Sunday.  The flight, which was supposed to land in Branson, remarkably managed to land in a place with more meth.

Jerry, you were supposed to delete those emails before the SEC started its inquiry.  How could I have made that any clearer?

Swedish doctors have transplanted wombs into nine women in the hopes that the women will be able to become pregnant.  One of the surgeons, Dr. Mats Brannstrom, explained, “Sweden is a socialist country, and needs more taxpayers as soon as possible.”

Last week, a Chicago woman accidentally shot a 65 year-old relative during an argument about whether or not her gun would fire.  Joeann Smith, 52, won.

Remember, February is Black History Month.  Please plan accordingly.

The 13th annual “No Pants Subway Ride” occurred on January 12th, with riders from New York to Kiev participating.  Despite the cold, instances of “accidental commando” were up 13%.

Germany has fined some of its major breweries 106 million, or $145 million, for a price-fixing scandal that raised beer prices almost industry-wide in 2008.  “This is our Wolf of Wall Street,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

A Dublin man was stabbed to death Sunday night after performing an illegal chess move.  One eyewitness said, “It was the most disturbing thing I have ever seen.  I mean, who tries to castle out of check?”

I told you this would come on Monday, and here we are on Wednesday.  What’s the lesson?  No more promises.  Goodbye, Winthorpe.

-The Chairman

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