Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/18/20

Good Afternoon Recent Graduates,

As some of you may know, I am often asked to speak at commencement exercises for various colleges, universities, and Economics Institutes for Federal Judges. This year, with many such ceremonies happening virtually, I declined, as I would not receive my customary fees and all-expenses-paid trips. This was a heart-wrenching decision for me, as I enjoy nothing more than steeping the young minds of America in her favored ideals of progress, liberty, freedom, economic progress, economic liberty, and economic freedom. In lieu of my usual (poignant and timely) remarks, I will defer instead to my great-great-great-grandfather, who spoke the following words to the Harvard College class of 1895:

Go forth, ye humble souls, and live off of the land. For the land shall be tilled by those less skilled, less gifted, less noble of birth and destiny than yourselves, and they shall happily render unto you what is yours, which is everything but the barest necessities on which they are to live, work, and bear children, who will in time take up the selfsame stations in life upon their parents’ unremarkable demise, never ascending to the heights you have achieved by dint of birth and breeding, not to mention your lofty achievement in graduating from this most hallowed of American universities.

Congratulations, graduates of the Harvard (and Yale, and Princeton) class of 2020: A bright future awaits!

A future… of business!

A Republican state senator from Ohio has been fired from his job as an ER doctor for asking at a recent hearing whether “African Americans or the colored population” are more susceptible to the novel coronavirus because they “do not wash their hands as well as other groups.” “This is just not fair,” State Senator Steve Huffman told reporters in the wake of the incident, “I’ve never met one.”

Scientists stationed aboard the International Space Station have reportedly created a fifth state of matter. The resulting material was discovered through experiments costing a reported $2.5 trillion and has no practical application.

Anna from Analytics, you look so happy in all of your Instagram posts from 2012.

ABC News has placed executive Barbara Fedida on leave after reports of her using racist language on multiple occasions. Many white women have since come to Fedida’s defense, calling her alleged comments “locker room talk.”

The Small Business Administration has declined to identify any of the 4.5 million businesses that have so far received over $500 billion of coronavirus-related bailout funds. “We have a lot of things to take care of before we can release that information,” Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said at a recent press conference, “like secure another $500 billion from taxpayers.”

Jerry, you do not have an adopted Cuban son.

New York University has announced that it will reopen for in-person classes in the fall. Attending students will be required to enroll in the university’s health insurance plan, which diverts all payment for treatment of those who contract the virus directly to the NYU-Langone hospital system.

Standup comic Chris D’Elia stands accused of sexual harassment and pedophilia. In a newly resurfaced video from 2011, D’Elia told E! News that his comedy heroes were “Louis CK, Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein… you know, all the greats.”

Good news, everyone: Our New York City office has been cleared for Phase II reopening! That means meetings of up to 10 people, meals in the cafeteria, and open-mouth kissing (where appropriate).

Adult film star Ron Jeremy has taken to Twitter in an attempt to stop power company Con Edison from cutting down a tree planted by his father outside of his childhood home in Queens. “I cannot let them cut it down!!” Jeremy said in a tweet. “This tree – this very large, girthy, extremely hard tree – taught me everything I know.”

Country music group Lady Antebellum has changed its name to “Lady A.” The band’s members have clarified that the move was not made in response to recent protests seeking racial justice, but as an homage to Senator Lindsey Graham.

Yeah, Great-Great-Great-Grandpa was a great-great-great man.

Never worked a day in his life.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Friday, 6/12/20

Hello New Employees,
Welcome! We are so happy you have chosen to join the company. I would like to take a moment to welcome each and every one of you personally, but as I do not have time to do so this memo will suffice. You should all consider yourselves lucky to have a job! As economies slowly reopen around the world, there are still countless qualified individuals like yourselves who did not find minimum-wage employment like that to which you have agreed for a minimum (but not limited) term of two (2) years. You are all special, and you were not only hired because your meager salaries were fully guaranteed as part of a deal we struck last month with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. No, no- it is because you each bring a unique set of skills to the company, skills which I would enumerate if only I had time. You see, even maintaining a business during such a time of unprecedented economic and social upheaval is difficult, let alone growing it at the rate we currently are, which is astronomical. Eat your heart out, Zoom! And you- you are all now a part of that astronomical growth. In time, you may even share in the profits, provided you prove yourself useful and recruit at least five investors to our new multi-level-marketing arm, Koolest Kosmetics! You should have received the appropriate information on this exciting new venture in your digital welcome packets. I wish I had time to revisit it here, and to explain why each and every one of you (whom I handpicked to become part of our #fabulous #team) is uniquely qualified to help it grow, but I simply do not. Now, some very important announcements:
-We just signed a new deal with Maxwell House to test their newest coffee flavors at our offices! Available flavors are:
         -Black Raspberry
         -Ruby Red Grapefruit
         -Blue Blueberry
         -Green Banana
         -Black (Lives Matter) Cherry (.0000000002% of proceeds will go directly to providing discount coffee to underprivileged youths in as yet undisclosed urban areas)
-I’ve always wondered about the effects of maltodextrin on the metabolisms of middle-aged adults, so I’ve partnered with researchers at the Harvard Center for Applied Biosciences (FKA The Harvard Jeffrey Epstein Center for Human Engineering) to find out more! If you would like to volunteer, please inquire directly with HR. No diabetics.
-Speaking of maltodextrin, I’m not sure what I’m going to have for lunch today… I’ve made a pros and cons list for the two top choices (a Cuban sandwich and a tender osso buco):

Lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise (in Key West version)Made by personal chef
 Expensive (expensed to the company)
 White wine in cooking (for a pleasant (but not overpowering) buzz)
Named for filthy socialist countryToo filling?
Reminds me of the poor 

Hang on… no, no, give me a second to think a little longer…
Huh. Still stumped.
In sum, welcome to the next chapter of your lives, you pliant little nobodies. Each and every one of you has a story to tell, and you will perhaps get the chance to tell it, but right now there’s just no time. Business!
The CEO of Crossfit, Greg Glassman, has resigned after making racist comments on Twitter and over email. Glassman said the remarks did not reflect his beliefs but were instead part of a “revolutionary” marketing campaign he thought up called “Hate Not Weight.”
Protestors armed with fake blood descended on Boston’s Faneuil Hall Tuesday in a push to rename the building, which currently bears the name of slave trader Peter Faneuil. Possible new monikers include “The Belichick Center,” “The Affleck Arcade,” and “Boston Is An Irredeemably Racist Shithole Hall.”
Anna from Sales, I see you’re back on Hinge.
After Pakistan declared an emergency in February over abnormally large locust swarms, China contemplated sending 100,000 ducks to its neighbor to help contain the problem. The Chinese government ultimately declined, opting instead to permanently send 100,000 Uighurs.
Saturn’s moon of Titan is reportedly drifting away from the planet and out into space. Donald Trump recently expressed his desire to buy the moon and bring it closer to Earth, tweeting “I know the Saturn Prime Minister- Good Guy!”
Jerry, you did not earn a PhD in African-American literature.
A $1 million fortune hidden in the Rocky Mountains by New Mexico art dealer Forrest Fenn has reportedly been found. Fenn declined to say who unearthed the treasure, only that he “needs some of it back after the divorce.”
Long-running reality television show “Cops” has been canceled. The Paramount Network has announced in a statement that it will replace the show in its lineup with reruns of “Friends,” “a show with no insensitive depictions of nonwhite individuals, or any depictions of nonwhite individuals at all.”
Princeton University’s sociology department has announced that it will not accept any new applications in 2020 in order to better assist current students with the challenges of the COVID-19 pandemic. Upon hearing the news, Princeton alum Jeff Bezos announced he had reached a deal with the university to buy out the incoming freshman class so that his son will be its only student.
I would like to extend to all of you a personal invitation to attend our upcoming virtual Colorblind Party, in celebration of our newly colorblind world. It will take place on BlueJeans (more like just “Jeans,” am I right?) this coming Monday at 10 PM PDT (1 AM EDT Tuesday). We will be listening to Counting Crows’ hit single “Colorblind” on repeat for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.
In a stunning video, journalist Omar Jimenez of CNN was arrested live on air while covering the Minneapolis protests in the wake of George Floyd’s death. The officers who arrested him have been offered early retirements with full pensions.
new study has linked recurrent negative thoughts to dementia. “Great,” said New Yorker James Desmond of the results, “the sooner I can forget how shitty life is, the better.”
God, you’re all just… oh, man. I’m overwhelmed. What you’re going to help us build here… it’s just incredible. I think the next 100 years, everyone sitting here- you’re the leaders of the future. City, city-states is where it’s at. I think governments from all around the world, without pointing any fingers, are having a very difficult time. I think as mayors, as leaders, as CEOs, it is our responsibility to set the trend of the future, and the trend is “we” vs. “me.”
-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Friday, 5/22/20

Good Afternoon “Generation Z”,

During this uncertain time, I have become one of you. Or, as J. Robert Oppenheimer so eloquently put it, “I am become death.” How, you ask? By interfacing exclusively with the one media platform sure to exist in the world to come…


Join me, won’t you, as I embark on a journey filled with dance…

… and business.

According to a report in The Intercept citing leaked internal documents, TikTok’s founders instructed the site’s moderators to restrict content from “unattractive and impoverished” users. “What we meant to say is, all of our users are hot and rich,” founder Zhang Yiming told reporters, “as you can see anytime you open the app.”

The latest trend taking TikTok by storm is the “pee your pants challenge,” for which participants take videos of themselves in front of the mirror urinating in their pants. Comedian Adam Sandler has sued the company for copyright infringement, saying it not only stole the challenge from his movie Billy Madison, but it stole countless videos of white people dressing as offensive stereotypes of Native Americans from his film The Ridiculous Six.

Anna from Sales, I had no idea you could fit that whole scene from Blue Is The Warmest Color into 15 seconds!

TikTok also recently birthed the “autism challenge,” through which users mock people with disorders like autism and epilepsy. TikTok’s new CEO Kevin Mayer called the videos “unfortunate,” adding, “but they’re some of our most viewed.”

An Indian family wound up in the hospital last week after drinking a “preventive medicine” for COVID-19 that they saw in a TikTok video. Users in the country have since been urged not to post any more of Donald Trump’s press conferences on the site.

Jerry, you are still not an influencer.

Disgraced Papa John’s founder John Schnatter took to TikTok last week to give viewers a tour of his mansion. Conspicuously, he neglected to show the basement.

Singer Jason Derulo attempted to prank fans this week with a TikTok video in which he appeared to lose both of his front teeth while eating corn on the cob with a power drill. “I thought it would be funny, but it wasn’t,” Derulo said in a subsequent apology video, “like Cats.”

ATTENTION: To celebrate the relaxation of social distancing rules in many states, each office will be filming its own TikTok video of employee group hugs with the hashtag #grouphugchallenge. No masks allowed- bad for the brand.

TikTok user Josh Popkin “accidentally” spilled a large plastic container of milk and cereal on the New York City subway last week, leaving behind a huge mess that MTA workers were forced to clean up in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. The MTA called the prank a “disaster” and announced that it would permanently raise fares to $10/ride to pay for the damage.

A string of racist TikTok posts by a student depicting slave auctions and other offensive imagery has sparked outrage at a New Jersey high school. The student’s parents have released a statement saying that their son is “very sorry” and have agreed to partially fund a new African-American studies center at Princeton University, his top choice college.


I mean… wow.

WHAT a great product! Where do I invest?

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Saturday, 5/16/20

I wish it hadn’t come to this… but I’ve been forced to send a weekend memo. It seems some of you have already forgotten that time means nothing anymore, and that you can be called on to work at any time of day, any day of the week, so you have begun to take “Saturdays” “off.” I’m going to say this as diplomatically as possible:


the fuck

is wrong with you?


Vladimir Putin’s chief spokesman, Dmitry Peskov, has tested positive for coronavirus. He reportedly contracted it from one of a number of infected White House staffers.

Mary-Kate Olsen has petitioned a New York City court for an emergency divorce from her husband of five years, French banker Olivier Sarkozy. Judge Judy Berman replied with a GIF of Olsen saying, “You got it, dude!” followed by, “Just kidding, everything is closed.”

Anna from M&A, I found your OnlyFans page 😉

Roy Horn, one-half of legendary tiger-taming duo Siegfried & Roy, has died from coronavirus-related complications. Horn’s partner Siegfried Fischbacher has since released a statement reading, “I am devastated over the loss of my partner, Roy Horn. I am equally excited to announce my new partner, Joe Exotic.”

In the wake of several high-profile COVID-19 infections, the White House has instituted a new mandatory face-covering policy. Mike Pence clarified that the policy will only apply to women, telling reporters, “It’s about time.”

Jerry, you are not Elon Musk’s Cyrano de Bergerac.

Video has emerged of a 113-year-old Spanish coronavirus survivor talking about her battle against the virus. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”

An armed man drove his SUV into a crowd of people gathered for a “Salute to Nurses” parade in Darby, Pennsylvania last Tuesday. Donald Trump recently retweeted the video with the comment “REOPEN AMERICA!!!”

Want to earn a quick $100? We’re looking for volunteers for our own intracompany coronavirus study! Please email with your age, height, job title, and complete bank account information (for direct deposit). Feel free to forward to friends and acquaintances!

The Los Angeles Times is reporting that some US citizens are not eligible for coronavirus-related stimulus checks because they’re married to immigrants. When asked about the report at a recent press conference, Donald Trump lashed out at reporters, saying, “People who marry immigrants need to learn their lesson! I married one and it’s been HORRIBLE.”

Johnson & Johnson Chief Scientific Officer Paul Stoffels stated publicly last week that the company is aiming to manufacture and deliver 1 billion coronavirus vaccines by 2021. Shares of Johnson & Johnson shot up 20% after the announcement, at which point Stoffels sold all of his shares and tendered his resignation.

Don’t make me send another of these tomorrow.

It’s the lord’s day, for god’s sake.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Friday, 5/8/20

Good Evening,

It has come to my attention that many people are suffering because of this pandemic. I had no idea. I have decided to personally match all donations, dollar-for-dollar, to the Kids Wish Network, up to $10.

As Mr. Rogers said: “Look for the helpers.”

Respectfully, business.

One of Donald Trump’s personal valets has tested positive for coronavirus. Trump has denied ever meeting the man, whom he calls “a Deep State traitor.”

Tom Cruise will reportedly partner with NASA to film a movie aboard the International Space Station. The film is expected to cost approximately 75,000 N95 masks.

Anna from IT, I think I found a locket with your picture in it in Conference Room C… oh wait, it’s mine!

COVID-19 has been found in semen, raising fears that it could be transmitted sexually. “Yeah,” said Fred Malzenburg, a 52-year-old former waste management professional from Akron, Ohio, “that’s how I got it for sure.”

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre was allegedly paid $1.1 million for speeches he never gave as part of a Mississippi welfare fraud scheme. “I didn’t speak, but I fulfilled my commitment to those people,” Favre said. “I sent them some… pictures.”

Jerry, Reno is not “the safest place in the world.”

A woman killed by an alligator at a South Carolina gated community last week was there to do a homeowner’s nails. “We are devastated,” the homeowner, who wished to remain anonymous, told a local newspaper. “Consuela was… how do I say this?… her name, I think.”

Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Miller, wife of Stephen Miller, has contracted coronavirus. As a result, her husband is quarantining in Florida with his closest other relatives, a colony of flesh-eating bacteria known as Vibrio vulnificus.

Due to a marked decrease in undocumented immigration stemming from coronavirus, the HR department will be now be performing maintenance duties. They’ve taken your shit for long enough, and now they have to clean it up!

New York’s subway system was completely shut down for the first time in history Wednesday for a coronavirus-related deep cleaning. Upon further inspection, it is not expected to reopen.

The final Nazi message decoded by the British government has been released in honor of the 75th anniversary of VE Day. “Surrender all units,” the message reads, “and initiate operation Drumpf.”

“Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
-Proverbs 19:17

… but that’s not why I’m doing it.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/23/20

Happy Earth Day, parasites!

Speaking of parasites… I did NOT like that movie. Why did all the most hardworking, charitable characters die? And don’t get me started on what they did to that BEAUTIFUL house…


New York’s famed Upright Citizens Brigade improv theater and training center are permanently closing. The move is being hailed as “an important stimulus,” one that could save millennials up to $3 billion dollars over the next year.

Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has come out of retirement and been traded to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, where he will reunite with longtime quarterback Tom Brady. Tampa Bay Head Coach Bruce Arians has said the team is not done scouting former Patriots tight ends and has instructed his scouts to “kick the tires” on Aaron Hernandez.

Ana from our Belize office, have you ever noticed that your name is in “mañana”? Makes sense, cause you always seem too far away…

US oil prices fell below $0 a barrel on Monday to their lowest point since trading began in 1983. Donald Trump has since announced that he will personally purchase all barrels of oil that are unable to be stored for a price of $100/barrel, at which point he will generously sell them to the federal government at $200/barrel.

A Connecticut man broke into a shuttered restaurant last week and spent four days consuming thousands of dollars worth of food and alcohol. The man will not face any charges, as he was socially distancing.

Jerry, you are not quarantining with Soledad O’Brien.

The Washington Post is reporting that FEMA recently gave a $55 million contract to Panthera Worldwide, LLC, a bankrupt company with no employees, to produce N95 masks for the agency. “We have the utmost confidence in Panthera’s capabilities,” FEMA spokesperson Lizzie Litzow said in response to the report, “we used them during Katrina.”

In related news, the Army Corps of Engineers has awarded a $569 million contract to a Montana construction firm to build 17.17 miles of border wall between California and Mexico. Lieutenant General Todd T. Semonite later said that the ACOE would have undertaken the project itself, but Donald Trump said he wanted the money spent on “anything but testing.”

The NFL Draft begins tonight! Join our office predictor pool before 7 PM for your chance to win a one-hour Zoom call with Tom from accounting! He does a GREAT John Madden impression.

Shake Shack has announced that it is returning the $10 million it received from the federal government’s PPP program for small businesses following widespread backlash. The company said that the $10 million was no longer necessary, as it has since sold 100 burgers.

The global coronavirus pandemic is being used by mafia groups in Italy as an opportunity to expand their influence. “The mafia has been wonderful; they’ve been coming by and testing us every day,” Naples resident Carlo Fratello told La Stampa. “For 10 euro, we’ll test negative.”

50 Earth Days… and the world* has gotten healthier with each one!

*our vast sub-Saharan mining operation.

-The Chairman

PS- 봉준호는 공산주의자


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/20

Laissez les bons temps rouler, fellow revelers! Instead of my customary Mardi Gras dick pic, I’ve decided to send… a memo!

This should not preclude you replying with abundant, tasteful boudoir photos.

… except you, Jerry.


Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak died on Tuesday. Donald Trump tweeted his condolences to the nations of Egypt, Syria, and Guatemala, just in case.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down. “Some people around the office had started calling Bob ‘Star Wars,’” an anonymous source told Forbes of the move, “cause of diminishing returns.”

Anna from Biz Dev, can I get a mission critical leveraged synergy of your elevator pitch for the recapitalization of our core disruptors in your sector by EOD? Then let’s circle back at my place at 21:00 for FUCKING (Focused Unity-Conscious Knowledge Inception Notarized Granularly).

Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been sentenced to 40 months in prison. In granting Stone leniency, Judge Amy Berman Jackson cited the fact that he is already serving the life sentence of being Roger Stone.

Tennis great Maria Sharapova, winner of five Grand Slam titles, is retiring. When asked about the news, Serena Williams replied, “Who?”

Jerry, I mean it.

Business website Glassdoor has named Raleigh, North Carolina the best place to find a job in 2020. Washington, D.C. was named the worst.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 2,000 points in the past week amid fears of further coronavirus outbreaks around the world. As a result, Mike Bloomberg has been forced to pull two 15-second TV ads from the Pullman, Washington market.

If you are the owner of a White Nissan Leaf, license plate REW-472, your car has been impounded. There will be none of that weak electric shit in my parking lot.

Michelle Janavs, heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune, was sentenced to five months in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues.” Prosecutors had previously recommended that she stay in a little longer, or her middle would still be cold.

In his annual Ash Wednesday address, Pope Francis urged his followers to disconnect from their televisions and phones and give up insulting one another for Lent. “It’s not as if I’m asking you to give up something essential,” the Pope said to an assembly in Vatican City, “like molesting children.”

In lieu of my customary Ash Wednesday ass pic… I haven’t decided what to send yet. Check your inboxes later!

(Your physical inboxes. Just because I haven’t decided doesn’t mean it won’t be EXTREMELY large and EXTRAORDINARILY tactile.)

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!


The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/3/19

Hello Loyal Patriots,

Happy Fourth of July! It’s like the Purge, but with more tanks.


IKEA’s “Design Your Own Sofa” feature has spawned a new font: sofa sans. Users have been slow to adopt the font as it is missing every third letter.

Netflix series Stranger Things is taking over New York’s Coney Island this coming weekend. The promotion comes on the heels of last year’s takeover of Rikers Island by Orange is the New Black, which left three dead.

Anna from the cafeteria, are you making hot dogs tomorrow? Cause I might need a new one after last night 😉

A package possibly containing the highly toxic chemical sarin was found in the mail facility of Facebook’s corporate offices in California Monday. Authorities say their chief suspect is Tom.

The avowed neo-Nazi who ran over protester Heather D. Heyer at a Charlottesville rally in 2017 has been sentenced to life in prison, which he requested for recruitment purposes.

Jerry, you are not “the office Radio Raheem.”

The weather was so hot in Germany last week that a man was arrested for driving his motorbike naked. 32-year-old Hans Grausman said he was actually fucking it.

In Paris, which experienced the same record heat, a bicycle melted. Its rider went on to win that day’s stage of the Tour De France, as he was too doped up to notice.

If you’re headed to the beach this week, be sure to stock up on our Goop-branded “natural” sunscreen! Juuuuuuuuuuust kidding- it’s coconut oil. We’re making a killing!

An Alabama man recently discovered a wasp “supernest” consisting of 15,000-18,000 bugs on his property, the fourth such nest reported this year. Bret Stephens has since written a column praising the colony for its “good governance” and “adherence to traditional moral standards.”

In further Alabama news, a woman in the state has been charged with manslaughter after her fetus was shot during an altercation earlier this year. As the fetus was the subject of the argument that provoked the incident, she has also been charged with harboring a fugitive and conspiracy to commit manslaughter.

Gas up.

We ride at dawn.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?


Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman