Happy National Spinach Day, quarantiners! Hope you’ve got some in your freezer…
Apologies for the delay in this week’s memo- I had to wait for the unemployment numbers to come out so I could remind you all that you still have jobs, and thus must pledge your undying fealty to me and the company for the rest of your lives, day and night, no matter the hour or the pay.
Oh, and if you’ve been laid off this morning, your health insurance terminates tomorrow.
Lawyers for Bill Cosby are petitioning to have him released from jail due to his fears of contracting coronavirus. Cosby has reportedly refused to drink anything for weeks.
A member of Mike Pence’s staff has tested positive for coronavirus. Pence has since reported that the staffer has been healed by “believing he is straight.”
Anna from Finance, why do you turn off your Zoom in the bathroom?
The nations of the Group of Seven released separate statements about the coronavirus pandemic this week after the United States pushed to include the term “Wuhan virus” in a joint statement. There were said to be other language issues as well, such as Canada’s addition of, “Donald Trump is a fucking idiot” and France’s desired inclusion of, “At this point, honestly, what the fuck.”
After receiving widespread criticism, McDonald’s has halted a new ad campaign that separated its iconic golden arches in a nod to social distancing. Instead, the chain has said it will begin wrapping each patty of future Big Macs individually.
Jerry, now is not the time for your “Second Declaration of the Rights of Man.”
Donald Trump sent a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un last week offering cooperation with containing the spread of the coronavirus. “Don’t worry,” Trump told reporters when pressed about the correspondence, “I sprinkled a little duck sauce on the envelope.”
University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has released a PSA urging fans to stay home to avoid spreading the coronavirus. “If you happen to see other people,” Saban says in the spot, “do what I did with the Miami Dolphins: don’t say anything, just run away.”
For those of you concerned: Yes, we do have ventilators. Two thousand to be exact, sitting in the warehouse and ready to be used for employees as needed.
Republican Senator Kevin Cramer of North Dakota recently tweeted that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “retarded” for her comments about her party’s coronavirus funding bill. “I didn’t mean literally retarded,” Cramer later clarified, “I just meant, you know, expendable for the sake of the economy.”
Instagram has released a new co-watching option that allows friends to watch videos on the platform together. The feature, developed last year, is called “COVID-19.”
Look on the bright side, friends- weekends are extinct!