Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for 3/27/19

Hello Fellow Muetineers,

How does it feel to be betrayed by a hero that you so painstakingly built up over the course of two years despite knowing nothing about him or his field of expertise beyond what was breathlessly and irresponsibly speculated by cable news pundits ad nauseam?

I know, I liked Michael Avenatti, too.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, turned 13 last week. For his Bar Mitzvah, his father gave him jurisdiction over the Gaza Strip.

A California mom has sued Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, and others involved in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal for $500 billion. As a condition of the suit, the defendants’ counsels must have gotten into college the same way their children did.

If anybody’s looking to get drunk tonight, might I recommend Anna from the mailroom’s homebrewed Scottish ale? It’s made with anal yeast!

Nicolas Cage has applied for a marriage license with girlfriend Erika Koike. On the back of the license, there is a map.

Disney’s newest planned Star Wars ride, “Rise of the Resistance,” will reportedly be 28 minutes long, or as long as it took to write the last two films.

Jerry, Jussie Smollett is not “the new OJ.”

To celebrate the launch of its four new “Fresh Faves” box meals, fast food chain Del Taco gave away several bars of its new crinkle-cut French fry-scented soap on its Instagram page. The soap, whose ingredients are a secret, is recommended only for those with fatally dry skin.

ICE is currently detaining 50,000 people, its highest number on record. Donald Trump disputes the reported figure, saying the agency is actually detaining 50,000 animals.

In honor of the new Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon, free haircuts in Conference Room GGG! Pubic and non.

Singer Sam Smith has come out as gender non-binary, assuaging some more conservative fans’ fears that they were gay.

Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has officially announced his candidacy for president. Experts say the announcement may be a red herring, as it was made while under the influence of laughing gas at the dentist.

I once read the entire Bible, cover-to-cover.

My summary: Total exoneration of Judas.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/1/16

Good Afternoon,

I am writing today in the hopes that you will understand my plight.  I have lately been ruminating on the very meaning of life itself and have subsequently come to some startling conclusions about the state of the world and my place in it.  You see, when I was a child, I voraciously consumed the writings of Nietzsche and Sartre, to the point where I found them cliché by the age of six.  I then moved onto the harder stuff: cocaine.  It was through many sour bumps and sleepless nights that I surrendered, eventually, to the gnawing terror that was eating away at my soul from all angles.  I was a latter-day Prometheus, enduring the wholesale feast of my own insides only to see them sprout again anew in time for the next round of maltreatment.  If I tried to escape, I feared I would be met at the gate by the mangy Cerberus in all his multitudinous glory.  I had no recourse but to retreat deeper and deeper into the dark underbelly of my mind and its severe depression until I no longer resembled the person I used to be.  I became a shadow of a shadow, a reflection of a world unknown and unknowable to human senses with no ascertainable means of survey or orientation.  It was at this point that I stood face to face with Shakespeare’s fell sergeant himself: Death.  I greeted him as one would an old friend or distant lover, and he in kind presented me with the greatest gift I could have imagined: certainty.  As I stood facing this omnipotent entity at once dreamed of and repudiated by humankind I felt awash with a kind of compassion I can only imagine Tibetan monks know as they first shear the hair from their undeserving heads.  In this, the thinnest sliver of moments, that we face-swapped.  Indeed, like Face/Off.  I had no clue that the closest and most indispensable ally to the prince of darkness, and indeed the galaxy that holds the whole of human anxiety and suffering was a Cage fan.  But he was.  In hindsight, I should’ve known from the shades.  Upon completion of our suddenly appointed physiognomic transition, my path was cleared back towards the light of existence in the physical realm, in which I had entirely forgotten how to function.  I was but a newborn babe, suckling impotently at the teat of an arresting idea of the future, clothed only in the ominous swaddling of destruction.  The sun burned hot and mighty upon my fragile figure as I burst back into its glow, whereupon I was met by a crowd of incensed townsfolk who, upon alighting their gaze upon my new, dreadful apparatus, inclined themselves so as to render my subsequent fate unlivable upon their terra firma.  The chase was short, yet eventful; my pride eventually succumbed to their bloodlust in the most savage display of psychosis I have seen in form corporeal or eternal.  What was an orgy of reconciliation for one side was, for the other side, a surefire declaration of an inability to further exist as constituted then or thereafter.  So there, and with the grace of God, went I, supremely confident in the knowledge that that same I, or rather, not I, but a villainous nebulosity masquerading as some heinously inadequate and delirious identity of self, had forfeited forever my ability to tread either realm, with gods or men, upon penalty of the only possible human fate worse than the entity whose countenance had betrimmed my darkest hour: heresy.

It is with this in mind, and with a heavy heart, that I must announce my resignation from this company effective immediately.  All duties will heretofore be transferred to Jerry, to whom you will all answer and give proper, though wholly undeserved, honor and respect.  It has been a pleasure serving you all, and making all of that money, but the time has come to spread my wings and fly where eagles do, on the mountain high.  Farewell, my minions, and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

April Fools!

-The Chairman

PS- Should anyone identify with any of the above, we will have mental health counselors on call during this difficult day of attempted humor.

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