Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/8/20

Dear Online,

I would have sent memos these past two weeks, but I was afraid of getting canceled.

Business!

Students in Tuscaloosa, Alabama have reportedly taken to throwing “COVID parties” in a race to see who can become infected with the virus first. Local teen Sam Duggan called the parties “sick.”

Princeton University is removing former university and United States President Woodrow Wilson’s name from its school of public policy. Princeton, which as of 2019 had a $26.1 billion endowment, said it was “proud to have now done all that we can to combat systemic racism and inequality in America.”

Anna from Sales, congratulations on publishing your latest book, Mulungu, Muluku, and Mungu: The Presence and Power of a Common God in Disparate Bantu Mythologies. You look SUPER hot on the back cover.

An Italian boy who started a website for chronicling miracles before dying at the age of 15 is on track to become the Catholic Church’s “patron saint of the Internet.” The child’s family reportedly objected to the church’s initial title suggestion, “patron saint of young boys.”

Mississippi lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate “Stars and Bars” from the state flag. The state has yet to decide on a replacement image, but Governor Tate Reeves has said he is considering “anything white.”

Jerry, you were not a student of Mary Kay Letourneau.

Northwestern University researchers have discovered a COVID-19 strain that they believe to be unique to the city of Chicago. Donald Trump has since vowed to send National Guard troops to the city.

The president of the Central Asian nation of Uzbekistan recently signed a “Safe Travel GUARANTEED” decree that promises the equivalent of 3,000 USD to any tourist who gets coronavirus while visiting the country. Travel to Uzbekistan is currently restricted to citizens of New Zealand, Vatican City, and North Korea.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, Broadway theaters will remain closed through the end of 2020. As a result, Disney Theatrical Group has announced that it will make each of its recent Broadway musicals available to stream on its new service Disney++ for the price of a typical orchestra ticket ($250).

In advance of November’s enormously consequential presidential election, I am pleased to announce our very first company candidate town hall! We will be welcoming Independent candidate Kanye West, who will speak to us about the dangers of vaccines, his on-again, off-again friendship with Donald Trump, and what it was like to  collaborate with God. This event will be held in person on Friday, 7/8 in Conference Room DD, as Mr. West says he already contracted the coronavirus and is immune.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson has apologized for posting an antisemitic quote from Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. “I now understand that Hitler represents different things to different people,” Jackson said in a follow-up post. “To me, he’ll always be the adorable goofball from Jojo Rabbit.”

The Indian government has banned TikTok and other Chinese-made smartphone apps after recent clashes between the two countries’ militaries near their disputed border in the Himalayas. TikTok’s creators have since urged Indian teenagers to partake in the “Ghandi Challenge,” for which they starve themselves until the app is reinstated.


From now on I promise to fight, alongside my brothers and sisters who were born into their respective genders, to eliminate any possible instances of hatred, intolerance, and/or bigotry towards me and/or them anywhere on the Internet and/or anywhere else, although where else is there? Nowhere that matters.

-The Chairman

And

Elliot Ackerman
Saladin Ambar, Rutgers University
Martin Amis
Anne Applebaum
Marie Arana, author
Margaret Atwood
John Banville
Mia Bay, historian
Louis Begley, writer
Roger Berkowitz, Bard College
Paul Berman, writer
Sheri Berman, Barnard College
Reginald Dwayne Betts, poet
Neil Blair, agent
David W. Blight, Yale University
Jennifer Finney Boylan, author
David Bromwich
David Brooks, columnist
Ian Buruma, Bard College
Lea Carpenter
Noam Chomsky, MIT (emeritus)
Nicholas A. Christakis, Yale University
Roger Cohen, writer
Ambassador Frances D. Cook, ret.
Drucilla Cornell, Founder, uBuntu Project
Kamel Daoud
Meghan Daum, writer
Gerald Early, Washington University-St. Louis
Jeffrey Eugenides, writer
Dexter Filkins
Federico Finchelstein, The New School
Caitlin Flanagan
Richard T. Ford, Stanford Law School
Kmele Foster
David Frum, journalist
Francis Fukuyama, Stanford University
Atul Gawande, Harvard University
Todd Gitlin, Columbia University
Kim Ghattas
Malcolm Gladwell
Michelle Goldberg, columnist
Rebecca Goldstein, writer
Anthony Grafton, Princeton University
David Greenberg, Rutgers University
Linda Greenhouse
Rinne B. Groff, playwright
Sarah Haider, activist
Jonathan Haidt, NYU-Stern
Roya Hakakian, writer
Shadi Hamid, Brookings Institution
Jeet Heer, The Nation
Katie Herzog, podcast host
Susannah Heschel, Dartmouth College
Adam Hochschild, author
Arlie Russell Hochschild, author
Eva Hoffman, writer
Coleman Hughes, writer/Manhattan Institute
Hussein Ibish, Arab Gulf States Institute
Michael Ignatieff
Zaid Jilani, journalist
Bill T. Jones, New York Live Arts
Wendy Kaminer, writer
Matthew Karp, Princeton University
Garry Kasparov, Renew Democracy Initiative
Daniel Kehlmann, writer
Randall Kennedy
Khaled Khalifa, writer
Parag Khanna, author
Laura Kipnis, Northwestern University
Frances Kissling, Center for Health, Ethics, Social Policy
Enrique Krauze, historian
Anthony Kronman, Yale University
Joy Ladin, Yeshiva University
Nicholas Lemann, Columbia University
Mark Lilla, Columbia University
Susie Linfield, New York University
Damon Linker, writer
Dahlia Lithwick, Slate
Steven Lukes, New York University
John R. MacArthur, publisher, writer

 
Susan Madrak, writer
Phoebe Maltz Bovy, writer
Greil Marcus
Wynton Marsalis, Jazz at Lincoln Center
Kati Marton, author
Debra Mashek, scholar
Deirdre McCloskey, University of Illinois at Chicago
John McWhorter, Columbia University
Uday Mehta, City University of New York
Andrew Moravcsik, Princeton University
Yascha Mounk, Persuasion
Samuel Moyn, Yale University
Meera Nanda, writer and teacher
Cary Nelson, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Olivia Nuzzi, New York Magazine
Mark Oppenheimer, Yale University
Dael Orlandersmith, writer/performer
George Packer
Nell Irvin Painter, Princeton University (emerita)
Greg Pardlo, Rutgers University – Camden
Orlando Patterson, Harvard University
Steven Pinker, Harvard University
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
Katha Pollitt
, writer
Claire Bond Potter, The New School
Taufiq Rahim, New America Foundation
Zia Haider Rahman, writer
Jennifer Ratner-Rosenhagen, University of Wisconsin
Jonathan Rauch, Brookings Institution/The Atlantic
Neil Roberts, political theorist
Melvin Rogers, Brown University
Kat Rosenfield, writer
Loretta J. Ross, Smith College
J.K. Rowling
Salman Rushdie, New York University
Karim Sadjadpour, Carnegie Endowment
Daryl Michael Scott, Howard University
Diana Senechal, teacher and writer
Jennifer Senior, columnist
Judith Shulevitz, writer
Jesse Singal, journalist
Anne-Marie Slaughter
Andrew Solomon, writer
Deborah Solomon, critic and biographer
Allison Stanger, Middlebury College
Paul Starr, American Prospect/Princeton University
Wendell Steavenson, writer
Gloria Steinem, writer and activist
Nadine Strossen, New York Law School
Ronald S. Sullivan Jr., Harvard Law School
Kian Tajbakhsh, Columbia University
Zephyr Teachout, Fordham University
Cynthia Tucker, University of South Alabama
Adaner Usmani, Harvard University
Chloe Valdary
Lucía Martínez Valdivia, Reed College
Helen Vendler, Harvard University
Judy B. Walzer
Michael Walzer
Eric K. Washington, historian
Caroline Weber, historian
Randi Weingarten, American Federation of Teachers
Bari Weiss
Sean Wilentz, Princeton University
Garry Wills
Thomas Chatterton Williams, writer
Robert F. Worth, journalist and author
Molly Worthen, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Matthew Yglesias
Emily Yoffe, journalist
Cathy Young, journalist
Fareed Zakaria
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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/26/20

Happy National Spinach Day, quarantiners! Hope you’ve got some in your freezer…

Apologies for the delay in this week’s memo- I had to wait for the unemployment numbers to come out so I could remind you all that you still have jobs, and thus must pledge your undying fealty to me and the company for the rest of your lives, day and night, no matter the hour or the pay.

Oh, and if you’ve been laid off this morning, your health insurance terminates tomorrow.

BUSINESS.

Lawyers for Bill Cosby are petitioning to have him released from jail due to his fears of contracting coronavirus. Cosby has reportedly refused to drink anything for weeks.

A member of Mike Pence’s staff has tested positive for coronavirus. Pence has since reported that the staffer has been healed by “believing he is straight.”

Anna from Finance, why do you turn off your Zoom in the bathroom?

The nations of the Group of Seven released separate statements about the coronavirus pandemic this week after the United States pushed to include the term “Wuhan virus” in a joint statement. There were said to be other language issues as well, such as Canada’s addition of, “Donald Trump is a fucking idiot” and France’s desired inclusion of, “At this point, honestly, what the fuck.”

After receiving widespread criticism, McDonald’s has halted a new ad campaign that separated its iconic golden arches in a nod to social distancing. Instead, the chain has said it will begin wrapping each patty of future Big Macs individually.

Jerry, now is not the time for your “Second Declaration of the Rights of Man.”

Donald Trump sent a letter to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un last week offering cooperation with containing the spread of the coronavirus. “Don’t worry,” Trump told reporters when pressed about the correspondence, “I sprinkled a little duck sauce on the envelope.”

University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban has released a PSA urging fans to stay home to avoid spreading the coronavirus. “If you happen to see other people,” Saban says in the spot, “do what I did with the Miami Dolphins: don’t say anything, just run away.”

For those of you concerned: Yes, we do have ventilators. Two thousand to be exact, sitting in the warehouse and ready to be used for employees as needed.

Republican Senator Kevin Cramer of North Dakota recently tweeted that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was “retarded” for her comments about her party’s coronavirus funding bill. “I didn’t mean literally retarded,” Cramer later clarified, “I just meant, you know, expendable for the sake of the economy.”

Instagram has released a new co-watching option that allows friends to watch videos on the platform together. The feature, developed last year, is called “COVID-19.”

Look on the bright side, friends- weekends are extinct!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19

Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why

BUSINESS.

The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.

Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.

Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was 👌

A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.

Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.

Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.

Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”

Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”

Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.

Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.

A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.

FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.

We’re just 12 hours behind.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/25/18

Hello (Anonymous),

You may be wondering why the memo didn’t come out as scheduled this week. As you may have heard, the European Union’s General Data Protection Regulation went into effect today (Friday, 5/25) and I wanted to see how it would affect the company.

Short answer: It doesn’t! We’re still free to spam, spam, spam! Serves me right for thinking the EU was an effectual entity whose laws would be respected on the world stage- won’t make that mistake again. In the meantime, SPA- I mean, BUSINESS.

Eight women have come forward to accuse actor Morgan Freeman of inappropriate sexual behavior. The most damning allegations come from a woman known only as “Miss Daisy,” who said Freeman repeatedly threatened to “drive” her.

The FBI is working to thwart a Russian cyberattack in Ukraine on the eve of Saturday’s Champions League soccer final in Kiev. “We have taken all possible steps to protect the Champions League final,” FBI head Christopher Wray told reporters Thursday. “We can think of no other event in history so deserving of the utmost protection from cyberattacks, or that would affect so many innocent people if it were to be compromised.”

Anna from Maintenance, you better remove me from that email list! I’ve already cum enough!

During a congressional hearing last week, Republican lawmaker Mo Brooks asserted that global sea level rise is attributable to rocks falling into the ocean. Scientists say they will test the theory with Brooks’ brain.

A Miami high school is under investigation for bringing a live tiger to its prom. The animal initially seemed docile, but was later caught having sex in the bathroom.

Jerry, we know you took the Facebook quiz.

A 38-year-old man responsible for a 2010 cyberattack that shut down World of Warcraft’s servers has been sentenced to one year in prison. “Thank god,” the man’s mother told reporters, “he’s finally moving out.”

The Department of Housing and Urban Development reportedly helped Fox News host Sean Hannity finance millions of dollars of real estate purchases over the past ten years. Hannity has since called himself a “parasite” who “needs to get a job and stop relying on government handouts.”

In the spirit of privacy, and of North Korea definitively demolishing their only nuclear test site, we will be holding a special ceremony Sunday in Conference Room C to destroy our only server that has anyone’s private data on it! It’s definitely the ONLY server of its kind with ANYONE’S data. The ONLY one. EVER. And we’re gonna BLOW IT UP. Sunday. 3 PM. BYOB.

A monkey escaped from an American Airlines plane at the San Antonio airport this week. Like the passengers on its flight, the animal will never fly American again.

According to a new report, England’s Queen Elizabeth II enjoys four alcoholic drinks every day. Under US guidelines she would be considered a binge drinker, whereas in England she’s known as “inexplicably important.”

Your privacy is important to us. That’s why we only sell your data to companies that respect our need for money.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/25/18

Hello Freak Athletes,

The NFL Draft starts tomorrow! Or, as I like to call it, CTEaster. Who is risen? Who is fallen? Who is a domestic abuser?

Buckle up those chin straps and LET’S FIND SOME GOOD EGGS.

BUSINESS.

Doctor Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, may not be confirmed after reports he doled out prescriptions “like candy” and drank on the job. In light of this new information, legislators recommend Jackson return immediately to his position as Trump’s personal physician.

A YouTube celebrity recently said “Gucci Gang” one million times for charity. The charity has since returned all proceeds, citing a healthy level of shame.

You da bomb, Anna from Stratego!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will use a parrot to announce some of the team’s picks during the upcoming NFL Draft. There is a chance the parrot will be announcing itself, as it recently flew a 4.2 40.

US Citizenship and Immigration Services’ new mission statement no longer calls the United States “a nation of immigrants.” Donald Trump says the decision was made “out of respect for the tremendous sacrifice of Native American and indigenous peoples across this great land.”

No, Jerry, those are not dumplings.

A naked gunman opened fire at a Waffle House in Tennessee over the weekend, killing four. “I used to be all for guns, but now I’m not so sure,” local resident Tim Gentry told reporters after the incident. “Schools are one thing, but church is sacred.”

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has announced he will close his country’s main nuclear test site. He has since announced the opening of a new site in South Korea.

There is nothing more malleable than the human heart. That’s according to our newest artist in residence, Theodore Walpole, whose latest exhibition Real Human Organs is on view through Saturday in the second-floor atrium. Donate!

New regulations proposed by the Trump administration would allow restaurant owners and managers to take a share of servers’ tips, so long as those servers make minimum wage. Trump has called the plan “an important way to reward risk-taking, entrepreneurial Americans who watch other people work.”

Residents of New York’s Brooklyn Heights neighborhood are complaining that local rats have grown huge from eating the trash from a neighborhood Chipotle. “We’re actively working to poison these rats,” company spokesperson Quinn Kelsey told the New York Post. “Have you tried our queso?”

Remember: If the shell isn’t cracked, the yolk inside is juuuuust fiiiiiine.

Now get back in there and HIT SOMEONE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

duuuun duuuuuun duh dun dun dun dun DUN DUNDUHDUN dun dun DUN dundundundunDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/31/18

My Fellow Gerrymanderers,

I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…

#RELEASETHEMEMO

#BUSINESS

Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died.  He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.

Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery.  To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.

Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech!  I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!

In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.”  The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!

Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon.  Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.

LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.”  She later added, “And also at golf.”

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91.  “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement.  “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters!  I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!

The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama.  “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”

#RELEASETHEHOUNDS.

Let’s make that a thing.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/19/17

Goooooooooood Morning,

Oh my god, can you peons believe we’re still alive??  Neither can I.  We’ve had some close calls since I last sent you all a company update, including a “declaration of war” and a “solar eclipse.”  Not only am I tired of all the winning, I’m tired of living at all!  But we must soldier on, for as Emily Bronte once said, “Heathcliff was a swarthy mariner.”

BUSINESS.

New research suggests the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, plunging the world into a volcanic winter.  Experts say the development is a symbol of America’s unerring determination to end the world, one way or another.

CNBC’s annual study of the “Top States for Business” has named Mississippi America’s cheapest state to live in.  Mississippi did not appear on the titular list of “Top States for Business,” as it has none.

Do yourselves a favor, everyone, and check out Anna the intern’s new webseries, “I Wish I Could Take That Back!”  It is an hilarious peek into the lives of millennial transgenders in Brooklyn!

Hackers have reportedly spent the last several months stealing personal information, including credit card numbers, from guests at Trump hotels.  Unfortunately for them, all of the guests’ assets have already been frozen.

US Olympic gold medal sprinter Gil Roberts, who claims he tested positive for a banned substance because he kissed his girlfriend too much, has had his recent suspension overturned by an arbitrator.  The arbitrator wrote that he found himself in a similar situation once, also with Roberts’ girlfriend.

Jerry, the untimely death of Bob from Sales did not “throw our budget out of whack.”

New evidence suggests that Russian hackers used popular mobile app Pokemon Go to influence US voters during the 2016 election.  Investigators say those same hackers helped to craft the game’s new slogan, “Gotta catch ’em alt-right!”

Actors Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander were married this week in a small ceremony in Ibiza.  I just came.

Join us in Conference Room J this Tuesday for “Weird Al: In Conversation.”  Our special guest this week is former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan!  As always, it’ll be All Weird Al, All The Time.

A gold replica of the 1969 lunar module was recently stolen from the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta, OH.  In its place was a note that read: “It’s in the Buzz Aldrin Museum now, bitches.”

The parents of several women associated with R&B star R. Kelly have come forward to say that their daughters are being held by the singer in a sort of sex cult.  Kelly has denied the claims, insisting that the women are all far too old for him.

Heathcliff, she cried, belly weary from the forlorn markings on the derry, please don’t go.

But I must, said Heathcliff, slowly, as if atwitter with the lorry of truth in his own breast.  And so must you.

And so, filled with love and milkweed eternal, he pushed.  Wailing, she fell to her death from the high, high moor.

Fin.”

-Emily Bronte (as told to Charlotte Bronte (as translated by The Chairman))

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 4/16/17

Good Afternoon,

After not receiving anything this past Wednesday, I’ll bet you thought the memo was dead.

And that’s what they thought about Jesus, too!  But hallelujah- it’s an EASTER MEMO.  Now which one of you betrayed me?  Business!

Earlier this week, the United States military deployed its largest non-nuclear weapon, nicknamed the Mother of All Bombs, in Afghanistan.  Reportedly, Ann Coulter’s set at the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe caused widespread damage.

Scientists claim to have discovered the genetic anomaly that makes some people more nocturnal.  Experts have said the mutation, dubbed “Skinemax,” only affects adolescent boys aged 12-16.

Anna from Sales, you are making money hand over fist!  Not sure why you have to sell each of those as an individual prosthesis, but I’m not a doctor.

Kicker Becca Longo will attend Division-II Adams State University in the fall, making her the first woman ever to earn a college football scholarship.  Longo’s scholarship is expected to be worth about 80% of a typical man’s.

The Trump White House has announced that it will not be making its visitor logs public.  Press Secretary Sean Spicer contends the logs don’t matter, as Trump is never there.

Jerry, Easter is not also known as “the night they drove old Dixie down.”

Facebook has shut down 30,000 fake accounts in France ahead of the country’s upcoming presidential election.  The company took action after it discovered that there was no one in France named “Pierre Trump.”

According to reports, patrons’ actions at Disney’s new Star Wars theme park will have consequences, making it different than the series’ three prequels.

On this day of Jesus’ ascent, let us remember this company’s ascent… to the top of the pop charts!  Please welcome the first addition to our newly formed talent acquisition department, singer Rebecca Black!  GOTTA get down on Friday.

Former NFL quarterback (and noted Christian) Tim Tebow, now playing baseball for a New York Mets affiliate in South Carolina, hit a home run in his first at bat of the season.  The event proved once and for all that God has misplaced priorities.

Members of the Trump administration have hinted that foreign visitors to the US may soon be asked for their social media contacts and passwords as part of “extreme vetting” measures.  “We have thoroughly vetted this vetting,” Press Secretary Sean Spicer said at a recent briefing.  “Everybody knows that social media presence is by far the most accurate and unbiased reflection of who someone is as a person.”

The White House has an Easter Egg Roll, but I’m having Easter egg rolls!  Thanks, Chinese trading partners!  I never thought  you were manipulating currency…

-The Chairman

PS- As some of you may know, I’m taking an extended hiatus to – ahem – take care of some issues on the Korean Peninsula… I may or may not be sending dispatches from the road.  In the meantime, please direct any inquiries to Recep Tayyip Erdogan, new Supreme Dictator of our great ally Turkey!

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