Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/26/14

Good Evening,

The funeral service for Anna from payroll will be held at Our Lady of Perpetual Help church on Sanders between Ellington and Broadway.  In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to Anna’s favorite charity, the Marijuana Policy Project.

The New York Jets have signed former Pro Bowl quarterback Michael Vick, who spent almost two years in prison for dogfighting.  Vick’s deal is said to be worth $5 million, all of which he plans on donating to dog-related charities.  Just kidding.

The White House is reportedly “very concerned” about further Russian aggression in Ukraine.  Just last Friday, President Obama was seen actively using a phone.

New evidence shows that Michael Rockefeller, grandson of John D. Rockefeller, may have been eaten by cannibals.  The evidence comes in the form of New Guinea cannibal chief Ajam, who told reporters, “Rich white guy?  Glasses?  Yeah, I probably ate him.”

Let’s all take a moment to welcome our newest employee, Anna Robertson!  I know, it’s gonna be weird having another Anna in payroll after all that’s happened, but… you’ll get used to it.

Russia has taken over a group of specially trained attack dolphins in Crimea.  “Seriously, guys,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “is there anything more ‘me’ than attack dolphins?”

The National Labor Relations Board in Chicago has ruled that Northwestern football players are university employees and are thus able to unionize.  In typical Chicago union fashion, the players celebrated by bribing several elected officials and beating up Mayor Rahm Emanuel “’til he got the message.”

Jerry, you are not going to be “one and done.”

A recent study using NASA data has determined that society as we know it will collapse in a matter of decades.  “We are living in an unsustainable world,” writes mathematician Safa Motesharrei.  “There is simply too much McConaughey.”

Nick Cannon has come under fire for donning whiteface to promote his new album, “White People Party Music.”  “Y’all white people need to lighten up,” said Cannon.  “Get it?  ‘Lighten up’?  Man, I’m racist.”

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin are separating after 11 years of marriage.  Their child Apple, however, is stuck with that name for the rest of her life.

BRACKET UPDATE: Jennifer from sales is winning, having picked 14 of the 48 games correctly.  You guys suck at this.

Three elite US Secret Service members were sent home from a recent trip to Amsterdam after getting drunk on the job.  “I didn’t think it would be a big deal,” said an agent who requested anonymity, “we wear sunglasses like, all the time.”

Speaking in the Netherlands Tuesday, President Obama said that he is more worried about a nuclear bomb going off in Manhattan than he is about Russia.  Russian president Vladimir Putin responded swiftly with a statement reading, “What about both?”

Facebook has acquired virtual reality company Oculus VR for $2 billion.  “This is an historic day,” said Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, “from now on, it’ll be like your advertisers are in the room with you.”

Fuck you, Putin.  Yeah, I said it.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/29/14

Morning, Grammy snubs.  Let’s get right to the business.

President Obama delivered his fifth State of the Union address last night to multiple standing ovations.  The constant clapping has been hailed as the most left-right coordination the capital has seen in decades.

At one point during his speech, the President said, “I believe when women succeed, America succeeds.”  The subsequent applause was drowned out by the sound of several Founding Fathers turning over in their graves.

Let’s all give a warm companywide welcome to Anna, my newest intern!  C’mon, missy- let’s make that “college credit” count!

Almost 650 people have taken ill on a Royal Caribbean cruise that set sail from New Jersey.  Congratulations, Jersey: you’ve outdone yourself yet again.

Football players at Northwestern University have filed a petition to unionize college athletes.  This comes on the heels of a similar petition filed by Northwestern’s Sigma Chi fraternity that reads: “No fat chicks.”

Jerry, we stopped giving guided tours of the office three years ago.  Who were those people?

An elderly Florida man has been arrested for allegedly masturbating in a McDonald’s parking lot.  As a result, the fast food chain is revisiting its one honey mustard policy.

According to documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the NSA has been collecting Americans’ personal data through the popular game “Angry Birds.”  “It’s not rocket science, people,” said NSA head General Keith Alexander, “the object of the game is to kill all the pigs.”

It’s awards season, everybody, so why not bone up on your pop culture knowledge ON YOUR OWN TIME.  Just another friendly reminder that we monitor all Internet activity here at the office.

$9.84 charges have been appearing on credit and debit card statements worldwide in what could be a massive scam.  However, it could also be an incredible investment opportunity!  Click here to learn more!

Two Seattle Seahawks fans have named their daughter “Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann” after the team’s nickname for its fan base.  This marks the first time a child has been named after a team’s fans since 2012, when two Philadelphia Eagles supporters welcomed baby “Vincent Randall Asshole Wallace.”

Happy hump day, everyone.  I’ve decided to start sending this memo on Wednesdays in the hopes of boosting morale midweek.  Has it worked so far?  I say yes!  Now get back to work you maggots!

-The Chairman