Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/28/18

Huddle up benchwarmers,

The Final Four is almost upon us! What an exciting (and lucrative!) NCAA Tournament it has been. To replicate the exhilarating nature of this annual event, I’ve seeded all company employees, 1 – 4,096, in a heart-stopping, no-holds-barred, 12-round “Tournament of Productivity©”! Can you believe we have a perfect multiple of 64 employees? What carefully crafted layoffs…

Some of our first-round matchups are quite intriguing- we’ve got Travis from Accounting (a 5-seed) against Mildred the executive assistant (a 1,020-seed), Ghufran from our Pakistan office (a 327-seed) vs. Ruchika from our India office (a 698-seed- that one could go nuclear!), and a possible NAIL BITER between Anna from Sales (a 512-seed) and Anna from Biz Dev (a 513-seed). Then, of course, there’s me (the overall #1-seed) going up against Jerry (who barely squeaked in as the last 1,024-seed). Each matchup will last two hours, and whoever makes the most money for the company during that time wins.

Of course, no one will be compensated.

BUSINESS.

The National Rifle Association has acknowledged that it receives foreign donations, but insists that none of that money goes to election work. “I can promise you that absolutely no foreign money goes towards influencing elections” NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch told reporters Monday. “The bulk of it goes to slandering kids.”

A dog died last week while locked in an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight. The ASPCA has filed suit against the dog’s owners for flying United.

Congratulations, ANNA, on raising almost $200,000 at your annual benefit! Don’t forget, March is National Kidney Month!!

A Texas state representative has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 every time they masturbate. As a preemptive measure, Ted Cruz has left Twitter.

Coca-Cola will experiment with selling alcoholic beverages in Japan. The company’s first offering, “Coke Happy Tricky Fun Explode!”, is a proprietary mix of sake and aspartame.

Jerry, stop intimidating mothers in the parking lot.

Ben Affleck has admitted that his giant back tattoo of a phoenix, which the actor once said was faked for a movie, is real. The tattoo represents the Affleck family’s second-worst decision after Casey.

Two travelers who met on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to Cancun were caught having sex in the airplane’s lavatory. The woman has been banned from all future flights on the airline, while the man has been given several forceful high-fives.

Third floor… WATCH OUT! Fumigating!

A former professional clown is running for Congress in South Carolina. If elected, Lindsey Graham will return to the House, where he served from 1995 to 2003.

The New York Yankees had planned to imprint players’ faces in beer foam during the upcoming baseball season before finding out doing so would violate league rules. Instead, the team will sell anatomically correct hot dogs.

NO BETTING.

… except on me.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/8/17

Good Morning,

Despite the fact that my email should not be widely available (*cough* HR *cough cough*), a number of you have asked me how the GOP’s plan to “repeal and replace” Obamacare will affect your health insurance.  The short answer: It won’t.*  If you like your doctor, you get to keep your doctor.  You may not get to keep your job, but you’ll get to keep your doctor.  All doctors can be seen for a price, right?  Listen, I don’t make the rules- I’m not even really sure how this works.  Like President Trump said: nobody knew how complicated health care could beNobody.  Now get back to work, and for the love of god DON’T GET SICK.  It’s not rocket science.

Business!

Speaking at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, NRA head Wayne LaPierre said that left-leaning protestors around the country are being paid $1,500 a week and are dangerous.  In related news, psychologists around the country have updated the sections of their textbooks concerning “projection.”

Later this year, Germany is set to introduce a zero-emissions train powered entirely by hydrogen.  “Finally,” Chancellor Angela Merkel said at a recent press conference, “Germans can have some good associations with trains.”

Enjoy your day off, Anna from IT!  And thank you- every day here was a day without a woman til you sued your way into a job.

A Washington, D.C. art installation featuring a roomful of glowing pumpkins was damaged last week when a visitor tried to take a selfie.  Due to its location and the subject of the installation involved, the incident is being called “the perfect metaphor.”

A judge last week called a meeting with French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen over allegations that she misappropriated funds from the European Union.  Le Pen has since questioned the white, French, female judge’s ability to be impartial because of “his Mexican heritage.”

Jerry, The Wire is not a “nonfiction prequel.”

Scientists have been quick to cast doubt on new findings that herpes outbreaks during pregnancy may cause autism.  Other scientists without herpes say it is a distinct possibility.

Chicago musical artist Chance the Rapper has announced he will be giving $1 million to his hometown’s public school system.  In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “Just saw the news- another 1 million people shot in Chicago. This time by a rapper WHO IS BLACK. Sad! Bad (or sick) Guy!”

Next week, join us for our Tuesday discussion group at 7:30 in the 4th floor lounge.  Our topic: Is Anderson Cooper a robot?  Drinks and snacks will be provided… for humans.

Donald Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, a move that will save the government under $500 million per year.  Most of the savings will be diverted to security for Don Jr. and Eric Trump, as they fly around the world building their new, private National Endowment for Art Collection.

Scientists have announced they are closer than ever to resurrecting the extinct woolly mammoth.  Once born, the first specimen is expected to be released into the wild, as experts say the last thing the world needs is another elephant in the room.

Yup, it’s a tumor.  Walk it off.

-The Chairman

*It will.

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