We’re still doin this, huh?
Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Mishustin has contracted coronavirus. Russian President Vladimir Putin said Mishustin has been relieved of his duties effective immediately and will be replaced by a lifelike ficus.
The state of Utah has begun offering masks to any residents who request them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called the decision “long overdue” and “necessary for the annihilation of temptation.”
Speaking of temptation: Anna from Development!
A vaccine developed by the University of Oxford has proven effective at inoculating rhesus monkeys against coronavirus. Radio host Rush Limbaugh addressed the news on his show Tuesday, saying, “Monkeys?! They made a vaccine for monkeys?! This is what’s wrong with the ivory tower liberal elites, they take YOUR money and use it on a vaccine for MONKEYS.”
The Pentagon this week released three previously classified videos featuring UFOs. Officials called the decision “necessary” in order to show people “how dangerous it is to go outside.”
No, Jerry, nobody has “checked on” Edward Snowden.
In a Fox News appearance last month, Donald Trump asserted that, if voting access were expanded in America, “you’d never have a Republican elected in this country again.” He then added, “See, the landowners – very fine people, real estate people – and their slaves, who they vote for by the way, really, I mean, really they’re voting with their slaves in mind… did I say slaves? I meant black- not just black, I meant every, I mean, every group, the people who have to work, you know, who have to work or they don’t eat, which is a lot of very fine people, my people, the best people, the “deplorables,” did you see Hillary Clinton the other day? I mean the woman is crazy, just crazy, and nobody voted for her… except dead people, really, truly dead, beautifully dead, voter fraud and voting and- some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education – like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as and – I believe that they should- our education over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”
A new study shows that Fox News host Sean Hannity may have played a significant role in spreading coronavirus. The same study determined that Hannity’s actions were the most responsible of his career.
My sincere apologies for the typo in my last mass email. “Furloughed” was supposed to read “fired.” Stupid autocorrect!
A Colorado man recently won two $1 million Powerball jackpots in one day after playing the same numbers for 30 years. “I never thought this day would come,” the man, known only as “Joe B” said. “It feels good to finally break even.”
In the hours following a press conference in which Donald Trump suggested that injecting disinfectants could help treat coronavirus, there was a notable increase in calls to New York City’s Poison Control Center. One such call was from Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, who told an operator she was afraid she had “drunk the Kool-Aid.”
Isn’t this what the robots are for?
Or the Mexicans?