Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/30/20

We’re still doin this, huh?



Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Mishustin has contracted coronavirus. Russian President Vladimir Putin said Mishustin has been relieved of his duties effective immediately and will be replaced by a lifelike ficus.

The state of Utah has begun offering masks to any residents who request them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called the decision “long overdue” and “necessary for the annihilation of temptation.”

Speaking of temptation: Anna from Development!

A vaccine developed by the University of Oxford has proven effective at inoculating rhesus monkeys against coronavirus. Radio host Rush Limbaugh addressed the news on his show Tuesday, saying, “Monkeys?! They made a vaccine for monkeys?! This is what’s wrong with the ivory tower liberal elites, they take YOUR money and use it on a vaccine for MONKEYS.”

The Pentagon this week released three previously classified videos featuring UFOs. Officials called the decision “necessary” in order to show people “how dangerous it is to go outside.”

No, Jerry, nobody has “checked on” Edward Snowden.

In a Fox News appearance last month, Donald Trump asserted that, if voting access were expanded in America, “you’d never have a Republican elected in this country again.” He then added, “See, the landowners – very fine people, real estate people – and their slaves, who they vote for by the way, really, I mean, really they’re voting with their slaves in mind… did I say slaves? I meant black- not just black, I meant every, I mean, every group, the people who have to work, you know, who have to work or they don’t eat, which is a lot of very fine people, my people, the best people, the “deplorables,” did you see Hillary Clinton the other day? I mean the woman is crazy, just crazy, and nobody voted for her… except dead people, really, truly dead, beautifully dead, voter fraud and voting and- some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education – like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as and – I believe that they should- our education over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

A new study shows that Fox News host Sean Hannity may have played a significant role in spreading coronavirus. The same study determined that Hannity’s actions were the most responsible of his career.

My sincere apologies for the typo in my last mass email. “Furloughed” was supposed to read “fired.” Stupid autocorrect!

A Colorado man recently won two $1 million Powerball jackpots in one day after playing the same numbers for 30 years. “I never thought this day would come,” the man, known only as “Joe B” said. “It feels good to finally break even.”

In the hours following a press conference in which Donald Trump suggested that injecting disinfectants could help treat coronavirus, there was a notable increase in calls to New York City’s Poison Control Center. One such call was from Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, who told an operator she was afraid she had “drunk the Kool-Aid.”

Isn’t this what the robots are for?

Or the Mexicans?

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/20

Laissez les bons temps rouler, fellow revelers! Instead of my customary Mardi Gras dick pic, I’ve decided to send… a memo!

This should not preclude you replying with abundant, tasteful boudoir photos.

… except you, Jerry.


Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak died on Tuesday. Donald Trump tweeted his condolences to the nations of Egypt, Syria, and Guatemala, just in case.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down. “Some people around the office had started calling Bob ‘Star Wars,’” an anonymous source told Forbes of the move, “cause of diminishing returns.”

Anna from Biz Dev, can I get a mission critical leveraged synergy of your elevator pitch for the recapitalization of our core disruptors in your sector by EOD? Then let’s circle back at my place at 21:00 for FUCKING (Focused Unity-Conscious Knowledge Inception Notarized Granularly).

Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been sentenced to 40 months in prison. In granting Stone leniency, Judge Amy Berman Jackson cited the fact that he is already serving the life sentence of being Roger Stone.

Tennis great Maria Sharapova, winner of five Grand Slam titles, is retiring. When asked about the news, Serena Williams replied, “Who?”

Jerry, I mean it.

Business website Glassdoor has named Raleigh, North Carolina the best place to find a job in 2020. Washington, D.C. was named the worst.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 2,000 points in the past week amid fears of further coronavirus outbreaks around the world. As a result, Mike Bloomberg has been forced to pull two 15-second TV ads from the Pullman, Washington market.

If you are the owner of a White Nissan Leaf, license plate REW-472, your car has been impounded. There will be none of that weak electric shit in my parking lot.

Michelle Janavs, heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune, was sentenced to five months in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues.” Prosecutors had previously recommended that she stay in a little longer, or her middle would still be cold.

In his annual Ash Wednesday address, Pope Francis urged his followers to disconnect from their televisions and phones and give up insulting one another for Lent. “It’s not as if I’m asking you to give up something essential,” the Pope said to an assembly in Vatican City, “like molesting children.”

In lieu of my customary Ash Wednesday ass pic… I haven’t decided what to send yet. Check your inboxes later!

(Your physical inboxes. Just because I haven’t decided doesn’t mean it won’t be EXTREMELY large and EXTRAORDINARILY tactile.)

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?


Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman