Wow! I was so exhausted by that week of memos that I had to take an entire week off. Bet you wish you had that luxury… but you sure don’t. Business!
Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw threw his first no-hitter Wednesday night. Kershaw, 26, is reportedly “elated” and “very, very wealthy.”
An Ohio boy recently came across a mummified corpse hanging in a closet while exploring a vacant house. Clint Eastwood has since released a statement insisting he was “just resting his eyes.”
With the World Cup in full swing, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge Anna from payroll, who plays for Brazil under the name “Fred.” Hang in there, girl! You’ve gotta score sometime…
Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre will appear in a new campaign ad for Mississippi senator Thad Cochran. The ad begins with Favre, seated on a tractor, saying, “As someone who sends frequent, unsolicited pictures of his penis to people, I know a thing or two about the US Senate.”
The Oakland A’s have acquired pitcher Brad Mills from the Milwaukee Brewers for $1. Mills has since vowed to meet a prostitute with a heart of gold and team up with his Brewers replacement to take down the infamous Duke & Duke commodities brokerage firm.
No, Jerry, Zaire did not make the World Cup.
A Minnesota man has been arrested after lighting his roommate on fire. “He made the choice not to buy toilet paper,” said Adam John Lilienthal of his now-deceased roommate, “and I made the choice to burn him alive.”
A Long Island principal stands accused of plagiarizing his yearbook remarks to graduating seniors from another principal in Albany, California. “Well excuse me,” said the accused, Dr. Steven Strachan, “I thought I was supposed to prepare these kids for college.”
This is a reminder to please refrain from discussing the World Cup AT ALL while on the 11th floor. After Spain’s elimination, José Antonio from accounting is perilously close to the edge.
Comedian Chelsea Handler has signed a major deal to bring a late night show to Netflix. The show will be geared mostly towards people who don’t understand time.
A computer program at England’s Reading University has reportedly passed the Turing test for artificial intelligence, fooling a group of judges into believing it was human. “I don’t understand,” said head judge Manti Te’o, “it told me it loved me.”
Don’t score an own goal on the company or we’ll kill you!