Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/6/16

Good afternoon, conservative firebrands!  WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW??

The Canadian government is working to decriminalize recreational marijuana use by early 2017.  The new law is expected to make it even harder to tell whether or not a Canadian is high.

Searcy Hayes, the 21-year-old Ted Cruz lookalike who agreed to do porn after appearing on The Maury Povich Show, says she has never heard of Cruz.  In related news, the Republican senator has ended his candidacy for president after failing to connect with his core demographic.

Is that you, Anna from Digital, or the anatomically correct sex bot you recently patented?  Glad I can’t tell!

In an effort to deter poachers, Kenya lit the largest ivory bonfire in history this week.  “This will send a very clear message to those who traffic in this precious substance,” Kenyan president Uhuru Kenyatta told reporters during the lighting ceremony.  “And if they don’t get it, we will do something even clearer: kill all the elephants.”

The US Attorney has released former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s pedophilic texts, one of which involves telling an associate he will “pay (him) big for a 14 or 15-year-old.”  “Jared was clearly talking about a delicious Subway sub,” Fogle’s lawyer Gary Schermerhorn told reporters on Wednesday.  “Subs, subs, subs- everybody loves subs!  Jared really liked old subs – agedas he called them.  He always liked things a little on the old side- never young.  That’s gross.  Who wants a young child- I mean, sandwich?  Who’s hungry?”

Jerry, I need to see your business cards.

Paramount Pictures is under fire for trying to make Scarlett Johansson look more Asian in her upcoming film Ghost in the Shell.  “It won’t work,” Johansson’s ex-husband Ryan Reynolds told the studio in a leaked email.  “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

North Korea is in the midst of mounting its biggest political event in 36 years.  Though details from the notoriously secretive country are hard to come by, one witness called the proceedings “a Donald Trump rally.”

SPOILER ALERT: HBO’s enormously popular Game of Thrones surprised millions last week when it was revealed to have finally jumped the shark.

More than 1,300 pounds of ancient Roman coins have been unearthed in Spain.  The discovery, valued at $1 trillion, has the potential to reduce the country’s deficit to $365,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 trillion.

Scientists from California’s HRL Laboratories may have discovered a way to “upload knowledge” to the human brain.  “We’re hoping to make this technology widely accessible by early November,” HRL’s Dr. Matthew Phillips said in a statement, “before it’s too late.”

As some of you have pointed out, there have been some inexcusable errors in recent memos.  I incorrectly stated the Golden State Warriors had beaten the Minnesota Timberwolves to reach 74 wins, when in fact they beat the Memphis Grizzlies.  And… gasp … there was a TYPO.  To you tireless workers who brought these gaffes to my attention, I say: thank you… for making it easier to fire you!  Get the hell out of here you nitpicking busybodies!  GOD it feels good to make 440 times as much as you people.

obama mic drop obama out correspondents dinner

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 2/12/15

Followers,

I would like to apologize.  Due to myriad terrorist threats against the company and a massive hack of my personal email, I have been unable to send out the memo for the last several weeks.  At one point, things got so bad between me, Scott Rudin, and the Chuckwalla iguana of which we share joint custody that I debated sending a memo ever again.  But, after much soul searching and ayahuasca, I decided that fear must not win.

With that, ladies and gentlemen (We still have ladies, right?  They didn’t all quit?  Everything was taken out of context, I swear), I present… THE MEMO.

The deepest fish ever discovered has been found in the Mariana’s Trench.  The deepest Phish ever discovered remains “Fluffhead,” found in 1995 at the Ervin J. Nutter Center at Wright State University.

As part of his recent divorce settlement, billionaire CEO Harold Hamm wrote his ex-wife a personal check for $975 million.  The check will reportedly feature prominently in the upcoming children’s movie “Blank Check 2,” starring Sinbad.

Dartmouth College has banned hard liquor on campus.  There will be no punishment for those caught violating the new rule, making it similar to the university’s “bans” on drugs and sexual assault.

**FUN FACT** Anna from IT once dated Chris Kyle, the man whose life inspired the blockbuster film American Sniper!  Among other things, the movie failed to mention his foot fetish.

It’s official!  Former US Olympian and current reality TV star Bruce Jenner is transitioning into a woman.  “We wholeheartedly support Bruce’s decision,” said E! executive Damla Dogan, “with the success of Orange is the New Black, we think it’s time Keeping Up With The Kardashians had a trans character.”

Woody Allen has signed a deal with Amazon to create his first TV show.  The show is slated to be canceled before it turns six… just in case.

The top Google searches of 2014 were, in order, “Robin Williams,” “World Cup,” and “Ebola.”  Despite her best efforts, “Anne Hathaway” remained 2,345,696th.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite in Ukraine.

A New Mexico man lost out on $500,000 after officials determined his winning lottery ticket was the result of a “printer malfunction.”  No word yet on whether the lottery’s decision has caused the man to “break bad.”

The New York Times is reporting that two-time Oscar winner Dianne Wiest is struggling to pay her rent.  “I’ve always rented,” said a defiant Wiest in theTimes interview, “why the hell would I have invested all that movie star money in real estate?  Especially New York real estate?  Talk about a scam.”

The father of former reality TV star Heidi Montag has been arrested for sexual assault, cementing his status as poster boy for the new American Dream.

New Year, New You!  Be sure to attend our “Make Your Resolutions… and Keep Them Biiiiiiitchhhheessss!” workshops, hosted by renowned Olympic figure skater and reality television personality Johnny Weir!  January 14th and 15th at 7 PM in conference room B.

… I guess those already happened.  Whoops, sorry!  Old me.

Three theoretical physicists have published their evidence for the existence of a parallel universe that is moving backwards in time.  They’ve dubbed the alternate realm “The Clooneyverse.”

Actress Emma Watson will star in Disney’s upcoming live-action version of Beauty and the Beast. Watson, building on her outspoken support for female equality around the globe, will be playing Gaston.

In a new book, longtime Obama advisor David Axelrod asserts that the president masked his true feelings on gay marriage in order to appeal to voters.  “You didn’t hear it from me,” Axelrod writes in “Believer: My Forty Years in Politics,” “but you might say the president keeps his views on homosexuality… on the down low.”

Je reste Charlie.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/29/14

Morning, Grammy snubs.  Let’s get right to the business.

President Obama delivered his fifth State of the Union address last night to multiple standing ovations.  The constant clapping has been hailed as the most left-right coordination the capital has seen in decades.

At one point during his speech, the President said, “I believe when women succeed, America succeeds.”  The subsequent applause was drowned out by the sound of several Founding Fathers turning over in their graves.

Let’s all give a warm companywide welcome to Anna, my newest intern!  C’mon, missy- let’s make that “college credit” count!

Almost 650 people have taken ill on a Royal Caribbean cruise that set sail from New Jersey.  Congratulations, Jersey: you’ve outdone yourself yet again.

Football players at Northwestern University have filed a petition to unionize college athletes.  This comes on the heels of a similar petition filed by Northwestern’s Sigma Chi fraternity that reads: “No fat chicks.”

Jerry, we stopped giving guided tours of the office three years ago.  Who were those people?

An elderly Florida man has been arrested for allegedly masturbating in a McDonald’s parking lot.  As a result, the fast food chain is revisiting its one honey mustard policy.

According to documents leaked by Edward Snowden, the NSA has been collecting Americans’ personal data through the popular game “Angry Birds.”  “It’s not rocket science, people,” said NSA head General Keith Alexander, “the object of the game is to kill all the pigs.”

It’s awards season, everybody, so why not bone up on your pop culture knowledge ON YOUR OWN TIME.  Just another friendly reminder that we monitor all Internet activity here at the office.

$9.84 charges have been appearing on credit and debit card statements worldwide in what could be a massive scam.  However, it could also be an incredible investment opportunity!  Click here to learn more!

Two Seattle Seahawks fans have named their daughter “Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann” after the team’s nickname for its fan base.  This marks the first time a child has been named after a team’s fans since 2012, when two Philadelphia Eagles supporters welcomed baby “Vincent Randall Asshole Wallace.”

Happy hump day, everyone.  I’ve decided to start sending this memo on Wednesdays in the hopes of boosting morale midweek.  Has it worked so far?  I say yes!  Now get back to work you maggots!

-The Chairman

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