Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/19/17

Goooooooooood Morning,

Oh my god, can you peons believe we’re still alive??  Neither can I.  We’ve had some close calls since I last sent you all a company update, including a “declaration of war” and a “solar eclipse.”  Not only am I tired of all the winning, I’m tired of living at all!  But we must soldier on, for as Emily Bronte once said, “Heathcliff was a swarthy mariner.”

BUSINESS.

New research suggests the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, plunging the world into a volcanic winter.  Experts say the development is a symbol of America’s unerring determination to end the world, one way or another.

CNBC’s annual study of the “Top States for Business” has named Mississippi America’s cheapest state to live in.  Mississippi did not appear on the titular list of “Top States for Business,” as it has none.

Do yourselves a favor, everyone, and check out Anna the intern’s new webseries, “I Wish I Could Take That Back!”  It is an hilarious peek into the lives of millennial transgenders in Brooklyn!

Hackers have reportedly spent the last several months stealing personal information, including credit card numbers, from guests at Trump hotels.  Unfortunately for them, all of the guests’ assets have already been frozen.

US Olympic gold medal sprinter Gil Roberts, who claims he tested positive for a banned substance because he kissed his girlfriend too much, has had his recent suspension overturned by an arbitrator.  The arbitrator wrote that he found himself in a similar situation once, also with Roberts’ girlfriend.

Jerry, the untimely death of Bob from Sales did not “throw our budget out of whack.”

New evidence suggests that Russian hackers used popular mobile app Pokemon Go to influence US voters during the 2016 election.  Investigators say those same hackers helped to craft the game’s new slogan, “Gotta catch ’em alt-right!”

Actors Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander were married this week in a small ceremony in Ibiza.  I just came.

Join us in Conference Room J this Tuesday for “Weird Al: In Conversation.”  Our special guest this week is former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan!  As always, it’ll be All Weird Al, All The Time.

A gold replica of the 1969 lunar module was recently stolen from the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta, OH.  In its place was a note that read: “It’s in the Buzz Aldrin Museum now, bitches.”

The parents of several women associated with R&B star R. Kelly have come forward to say that their daughters are being held by the singer in a sort of sex cult.  Kelly has denied the claims, insisting that the women are all far too old for him.

Heathcliff, she cried, belly weary from the forlorn markings on the derry, please don’t go.

But I must, said Heathcliff, slowly, as if atwitter with the lorry of truth in his own breast.  And so must you.

And so, filled with love and milkweed eternal, he pushed.  Wailing, she fell to her death from the high, high moor.

Fin.”

-Emily Bronte (as told to Charlotte Bronte (as translated by The Chairman))

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/20/14

Good Afternoon,

Wow!  I was so exhausted by that week of memos that I had to take an entire week off.  Bet you wish you had that luxury… but you sure don’t.  Business!

Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw threw his first no-hitter Wednesday night.  Kershaw, 26, is reportedly “elated” and “very, very wealthy.”

An Ohio boy recently came across a mummified corpse hanging in a closet while exploring a vacant house.  Clint Eastwood has since released a statement insisting he was “just resting his eyes.”

With the World Cup in full swing, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge Anna from payroll, who plays for Brazil under the name “Fred.”  Hang in there, girl!  You’ve gotta score sometime…

Former NFL quarterback Brett Favre will appear in a new campaign ad for Mississippi senator Thad Cochran.  The ad begins with Favre, seated on a tractor, saying, “As someone who sends frequent, unsolicited pictures of his penis to people, I know a thing or two about the US Senate.”

The Oakland A’s have acquired pitcher Brad Mills from the Milwaukee Brewers for $1.  Mills has since vowed to meet a prostitute with a heart of gold and team up with his Brewers replacement to take down the infamous Duke & Duke commodities brokerage firm.

No, Jerry, Zaire did not make the World Cup.

A Minnesota man has been arrested after lighting his roommate on fire.  “He made the choice not to buy toilet paper,” said Adam John Lilienthal of his now-deceased roommate, “and I made the choice to burn him alive.”

A Long Island principal stands accused of plagiarizing his yearbook remarks to graduating seniors from another principal in Albany, California.  “Well excuse me,” said the accused, Dr. Steven Strachan, “I thought I was supposed to prepare these kids for college.”
 
This is a reminder to please refrain from discussing the World Cup AT ALL while on the 11th floor.  After Spain’s elimination, José Antonio from accounting is perilously close to the edge.
 
Comedian Chelsea Handler has signed a major deal to bring a late night show to Netflix.  The show will be geared mostly towards people who don’t understand time.

A computer program at England’s Reading University has reportedly passed the Turing test for artificial intelligence, fooling a group of judges into believing it was human.  “I don’t understand,” said head judge Manti Te’o, “it told me it loved me.”

Don’t score an own goal on the company or we’ll kill you!

-The Chairman

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