Internal Memo for 3/27/19

Hello Fellow Muetineers,

How does it feel to be betrayed by a hero that you so painstakingly built up over the course of two years despite knowing nothing about him or his field of expertise beyond what was breathlessly and irresponsibly speculated by cable news pundits ad nauseam?

I know, I liked Michael Avenatti, too.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump’s youngest son, Barron, turned 13 last week. For his Bar Mitzvah, his father gave him jurisdiction over the Gaza Strip.

A California mom has sued Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, and others involved in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal for $500 billion. As a condition of the suit, the defendants’ counsels must have gotten into college the same way their children did.

If anybody’s looking to get drunk tonight, might I recommend Anna from the mailroom’s homebrewed Scottish ale? It’s made with anal yeast!

Nicolas Cage has applied for a marriage license with girlfriend Erika Koike. On the back of the license, there is a map.

Disney’s newest planned Star Wars ride, “Rise of the Resistance,” will reportedly be 28 minutes long, or as long as it took to write the last two films.

Jerry, Jussie Smollett is not “the new OJ.”

To celebrate the launch of its four new “Fresh Faves” box meals, fast food chain Del Taco gave away several bars of its new crinkle-cut French fry-scented soap on its Instagram page. The soap, whose ingredients are a secret, is recommended only for those with fatally dry skin.

ICE is currently detaining 50,000 people, its highest number on record. Donald Trump disputes the reported figure, saying the agency is actually detaining 50,000 animals.

In honor of the new Lorena Bobbitt documentary on Amazon, free haircuts in Conference Room GGG! Pubic and non.

Singer Sam Smith has come out as gender non-binary, assuaging some more conservative fans’ fears that they were gay.

Texas Congressman Beto O’Rourke has officially announced his candidacy for president. Experts say the announcement may be a red herring, as it was made while under the influence of laughing gas at the dentist.

I once read the entire Bible, cover-to-cover.

My summary: Total exoneration of Judas.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/24/16

Good tomorrow afternoon, New Zealand Office,

After a much needed monthlong vacation to contemplate suicide in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s inevitable election, I return to you with a promise.  As I was sifting through the detritus of my largely unlived corporate life, I realized that I had been doing the entire company a disservice.  Since beginning mandatory “sensitivity training” after those comments I made to Margery from Accounting several months ago (case since settled), I have been, well, not my usual self.  I have made the inexcusable mistake of allowing those gay hippie women’s ideas of “right” and “fair” and “non-GMO” to seep into even the most top secret of our communications: The Internal Memo.  Thus, I have avoided (despite the protestations of my loud and usually irresistible inner voice) making the racially-, sexually-, and economically-charged pronouncements which got me this position of power in the first place.

Worry not, non-friends: I will not bow to the whims of the liberal elite any longer.  I have jimmied the tiny lock on my sustainable faux-silver handcuffs and escaped the long arm of the PC law.  I’m ready to say what’s been on my mind for some time.  It’s been eating away at me like a little ringworm of truth, and it’s finally time to let it out, no matter who it may “hurt” or “bring to tears” or “encourage to sue.”  At some point, we must learn to live with the uncomfortable, and sometimes it’s not so comfortable.  But it must be said… for the good of the company, and of the world:

OJ did it.

BUSINESS.

A study in advance of the upcoming Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro indicates competing at the games may expose athletes to antibiotic-resistant super bacteria.  Such bacteria have not been seen since two years ago, when they were passed between several residents of the Olympic Village in Sochi.

Nerds everywhere rejoiced this week at the announcement that Nintendo’s latest Legend of Zelda game would feature a jump button, giving them an opportunity to experience something virtually they have never been able to in real life.

Happy belated Father’s Day, Anna from Legal!  I have no idea how to refer to lesbian parents!

Billionaire investor Chris Sacca was turned away from a recent performance ofHamilton because he had purchased counterfeit tickets.  At one point, an incensed Sacca asked a box office worker, “Do you know who I am?”, to which the woman replied “No.”

According to a new study, men who drink can give their babies fetal alcohol syndrome.  The study comes as welcome news to many women’s rights activists, who would like to see men share the burden of fucking up pregnancy.

Jerry, the company will not be holding a referendum on your “Jexit.”

Archaeologists discovered skeletons and gold coins at a recent dig outside the lost Roman city of Pompeii.  “Yup,” lead archaeologist Francois Vigneault told French newspaper Le Monde, “pretty much what we expected.”

Actor Nicolas Cage has split from his wife of twelve years, Alicia Kim.  Kim is said to be “distraught” over the breakup, while Cage is said to be “looking at himself in the mirror.”

For those of you who missed the NBA Draft last night, we’ll be replaying the entire telecast in conference room B throughout the weekend.  Spoiler alert: Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot to the Sixers!  PEUT-TU LE CROIRE??

Hasbro is working on a musical based on the board game Monopoly.  The show is expected to last upwards of six hours and only end when the last remaining attendees decide to go to bed.

Despite denying the existence of climate change during his presidential campaign, rodeo clown Donald Trump is attempting to build a wall around one of his golf courses in Ireland to combat the effects of… climate change.  “This has absolutely nothing to do with ‘climate change,’” Trump said when asked about the development.  “It’s to keep the Mexicans out.”

But… what’s gonna happen to Malta?

-The Chairman

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Shutdown Corner

All rise for the honorable Chairman.

Oh, hello!  Didn’t see you there.  You see, I’ve been busy lately.  Swamped, in fact.

What have I been up to?  Well, instead of writing columns to placate the masses I’ve been writing history to inspire posterity.

Hm.  I rather like that.  Note to self: write that one down.

Yes it’s true- I have not been writing.  I’ve been far too busy watching awkward white businessman porn and doing other things.  Loads of other things.  Loads of other really important things.

I would like to be writing, sure.  I would like to be skydiving in the Ural Mountains with Barbara Bach.  But you can’t always get what you want.  Plus, how can I focus on getting what I want when I’m too busy trying sometimes to get what I need?

After my first entry on this fine site almost two months ago, I told myself I was going to write once a week.  Once every two weeks at least.  But… well… how do I say this… I mean… basically… simply put… at the core of the issue… when you get right down to it… honestly……….

There’s just not much time to wax philosophical when you’re orchestrating the shutdown of the largest federal government in the world.

Surprised?  No, you can’t possibly be surprised.  You couldn’t have believed I wasn’t writing out of laziness.  Why, that would be downright French.  No, no, no… I was instead, in the grand American tradition, finding the best possible way to make the government work for me.

I saw this shutdown coming from a mile away.  What with everybody in Congress sleeping with each other I felt like it had to reach a breaking point sometime.  So I simply took the last few weeks to gently nudge both legislative houses in that direction.  It went a little something like this:

The Chairman: Hey, John… Nancy says screw you.

John Boehner: Yeah.  What else is new?

The Chairman:

John Boehner: And who are you anyway?

The Chairman: Shut down the government.

John Boehner: Capital idea!

Perfect, no?  It’s a modern day Philadelphia Story.  I feel like Ernst Stavro Blofeld.  But why, you ask?  To what end would I furlough millions of Americans and threaten at least two college football games?  For pleasure?  Out of spite?  For England, James?

Clearly, you haven’t been paying attention.

Look deeper.

Think smarter.

Outfit your home with an energy-efficient dishwasher from PC Richard & Son® today.

Whoops!  How did that get in there?  I don’t know, but I sure am glad it did!  Now where were we…

Oh yes.  “The Shutdown.”  Before I get into boring motives, allow me to titillatingly tangentialize on the State of our Union.  As you’ve no doubt seen, there lately seems to be no shortage of Great American Crises.  First Kendrick, then Miley, now Syria… and all in the past six months.  It almost harkens back to a simpler time…

Let me paint a picture for you.  It is a crisp fall day in Wyoming.  You’ve just dropped the kids off at school and, despite your splitting headache from arguing with your wife until 3 AM while downing a bottle of Frangelico, you intrepidly drive your Dodge Intrepid up to the gates of Yellowstone to try to catch a glimpse of some cute little black bears before another morning of selling insurance to rodeo clowns.  As you drive up to the gates you see a sign.  It starts small, and gradually becomes slightly bigger, until you see that it says what many around the country are saying on this fateful day in America:

“Closed.”

Heartbroken, you turn around.  This must be some mistake, you think.  Am I dreaming?  Did I really finish that whole bottle of Frangelico?  Did my wife mean it when she said I should pack up my things and leave?  But slowly, surely, like a ton of yellow bricks, it hits you:

The federal government has been shut down.

It is November, 1995.

Oh, the horror!  The madness!  The intrigue!  The suspense!  Do you feel them?  They were all around in those weeks leading up to the dual shutdowns of ’95 and ’95-96.  It wasn’t such a different time, either.  The United States was racked by scandals then as well.  Remember that picture I painted for you?  The one with your wife?  Sure the crises were different (and moderately less GIFable) back then but they were still crises.  The government shutdown simply followed logically after the chaos that had been OJ and the Unabomber, among other things.

Which brings us back to now.  With all the nutso politics and pop culture some 18 years on from the last great governmental siesta it’s clear that not much has changed.  And I bet you’re still wondering where I come in.

That’s where I come in.

The trick is to keep the craziness going.

That’s right, my little chickadees… I have taken it upon myself to keep the great filibuster of common sense humming in our nation’s capital.  Wherefore?  Well, wherefore do I do anything?

FOR THE MONEY.  DUH.

I mean C’MON.

Really?

C’MON.

You see, back in ‘95, while America’s mind was on Lincoln, Montana and Cochran rhyming slang, yours truly was making a killing off the so-called “dot-com ‘bubble’” (or, as I like to call it, “temporary market correction”).  Remember Kozmo.com?  “Chief Consultant.”  EToys.com?  “Head of Accounts.”  And who could forget that old war horse Pets.com?  All me.

No.  Literally.  That entire company was me.  I ran the entire operation out of the backseat a gently used 1985 Chevy Caprice and hired my cousin Ted to voice the commercials.  And I made millions.  MILLIONS.

Sure, those millions were shortlived (especially in the case of Pets.com).  But, like any good corporate prizefighter, I went on the offensive, investing the money (while I had it) in more profitable enterprises.  Like Starbucks.

Which has led me to where I am today.

So, my fellow Americans, I am writing to encourage you, as employees of this fine corporation (or one of its myriad wholly owned subsidiaries) to do your duty during this congressional quagmire and INVEST.  Get out there and SPEND.  You need a DISHWASHER.

Do not forget the lessons of our 1994fathers.  Figure out what a computer is and use it.  Explore new ways for people to shop for their pets.  Start a new company that I can buy and then immediately sell at a large profit.  After all, one of my best calls before the last shutdown involved founding a little search engine called “David and Jerry’s Guide to the World Wide Web“…

And we all know how that turned out.

Meeting adjourned.

The Chairman would like to congratulate Speaker Boehner on the pun.  Hill-arious.

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