Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/14/18

duuuun duuuuuun duh dun dun dun dun DUN DUNDUHDUN dun dun DUN dundundundunDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN

Allow me, fellow Olympians of existential angst, to light the torch of this memo. I am honored that you have selected me, your most humble and athletically gifted Chairman, to open these word games that will light the world with the flame of knowledge. Thank you, thank you, thank you- from the bottom of my über-competitive heart.

Now, you know the drill: no medal, no job.

BUSINESS.

A firm contracted by FEMA to deliver 30 million meals to Puerto Rico in the aftermath of Hurricane Maria only delivered 50,000. The agency says the discrepancy is easily explained by the contractor’s need for, quote, “profit.”

Experts say the recently passed GOP tax bill may result in more divorces, thanks to its removal of a specific write-off for alimony payments. Lawmakers reportedly added the provision after heavy lobbying by Melania Trump.

Anna from the Austria office, you were right as always… they SHOULD’VE postponed the women’s slopestyle final! How did they expect you to land your Cab Double Cork 900 kicker with those winds?!?!

A pride of lions mauled and ate a suspected poacher last week in South Africa. The incident begs the question why lions don’t do that more often.

United Airlines is honoring a travel voucher from 1998 that a North Carolina man recently found under his bed. Coincidentally, the landmark decision represents the first time since 1998 that a major US airline has demonstrated any semblance of human decency.

Jerry, that figure skater is 15.

With his men’s halfpipe victory Tuesday night, snowboarder Shaun White became the first American male to win a gold medal at three different Winter Olympics. Like prior champion snowboarders, the 31-year-old White will now be put out to stud in Aspen with four bodacious hotties and 16 pounds of dank nug.

In a move aimed at boosting the country’s reputation on the international stage, North Korea sent over 200 cheerleaders to the Olympic Games across the border in PyeongChang. Many have marveled the beauties’ extremely effective skincare regimen, which the regime describes only as “peasants.”

Please note that, due to the current climate, we will not be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year. This means no cards, no chocolates, and definitely no dressing up like Cupid and pretending your hands are his arrows.

Citing insufficient evidence, the E! Network has dropped its investigation into American Idol host Ryan Seacrest after a former hairdresser alleged sexual misconduct. “There’s just not much to Ryan Seacrest,” the network said in a statement. “Period.”

Last week, cameras caught a woman abandoning her newborn baby in a bathroom at the Tucson airport. “This was a potentially terrible situation,” Sherriff Stephen Tucker told reporters in the wake of the incident. “Nobody wants to fly with a baby.”

FUN FACT: The Olympic rings are vaguely racist!

The more you know…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/19/17

Goooooooooood Morning,

Oh my god, can you peons believe we’re still alive??  Neither can I.  We’ve had some close calls since I last sent you all a company update, including a “declaration of war” and a “solar eclipse.”  Not only am I tired of all the winning, I’m tired of living at all!  But we must soldier on, for as Emily Bronte once said, “Heathcliff was a swarthy mariner.”

BUSINESS.

New research suggests the “supervolcano” under Yellowstone National Park could erupt sooner than expected, plunging the world into a volcanic winter.  Experts say the development is a symbol of America’s unerring determination to end the world, one way or another.

CNBC’s annual study of the “Top States for Business” has named Mississippi America’s cheapest state to live in.  Mississippi did not appear on the titular list of “Top States for Business,” as it has none.

Do yourselves a favor, everyone, and check out Anna the intern’s new webseries, “I Wish I Could Take That Back!”  It is an hilarious peek into the lives of millennial transgenders in Brooklyn!

Hackers have reportedly spent the last several months stealing personal information, including credit card numbers, from guests at Trump hotels.  Unfortunately for them, all of the guests’ assets have already been frozen.

US Olympic gold medal sprinter Gil Roberts, who claims he tested positive for a banned substance because he kissed his girlfriend too much, has had his recent suspension overturned by an arbitrator.  The arbitrator wrote that he found himself in a similar situation once, also with Roberts’ girlfriend.

Jerry, the untimely death of Bob from Sales did not “throw our budget out of whack.”

New evidence suggests that Russian hackers used popular mobile app Pokemon Go to influence US voters during the 2016 election.  Investigators say those same hackers helped to craft the game’s new slogan, “Gotta catch ’em alt-right!”

Actors Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander were married this week in a small ceremony in Ibiza.  I just came.

Join us in Conference Room J this Tuesday for “Weird Al: In Conversation.”  Our special guest this week is former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan!  As always, it’ll be All Weird Al, All The Time.

A gold replica of the 1969 lunar module was recently stolen from the Neil Armstrong Museum in Wapakoneta, OH.  In its place was a note that read: “It’s in the Buzz Aldrin Museum now, bitches.”

The parents of several women associated with R&B star R. Kelly have come forward to say that their daughters are being held by the singer in a sort of sex cult.  Kelly has denied the claims, insisting that the women are all far too old for him.

Heathcliff, she cried, belly weary from the forlorn markings on the derry, please don’t go.

But I must, said Heathcliff, slowly, as if atwitter with the lorry of truth in his own breast.  And so must you.

And so, filled with love and milkweed eternal, he pushed.  Wailing, she fell to her death from the high, high moor.

Fin.”

-Emily Bronte (as told to Charlotte Bronte (as translated by The Chairman))

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?

BUSINESS!

When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/14

Good evening, True Detectives.  Who is the Yellow King?

Jason Collins made his season debut with the Brooklyn Nets on Sunday, becoming the first openly gay player in NBA history.  “Good for him,” said former Nets owner Sean Carter, AKA Jay-Z, “Big day for faggots.”

Whole Foods Market is negotiating a deal to “coexist” with infamous purveyor of genetically engineered crops, Monsanto.  As part of the agreement, Monsanto is free to plant all of the soybeans it wants in Czechoslovakia.

A California couple found $10 million in buried treasure while walking their dog last year.  According to California law, the couple must pay 2/3rds of the money in taxes, and the rest to their dog.

Anna’s gone viral!  Anna from legal, that is- she’s contracted a rare strain of bird flu so we’ve quarantined her on the fifth floor.  Steer clear!

“Ghostbusters” star and “Animal House” writer Harold Ramis has died at 69.  He would’ve wanted it this way.

New York Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long said the team had to beg recently departed second baseman Robinson Cano to hustle.  This story is over a week old, but Cano delivered it to me himself.

First Lady Michelle Obama is under fire for wearing a $12,000 dress to a recent White House dinner.  “$12,000?” said political commentator Catherine Riviera, “that’s almost 12 minutes of taxpayer funded campaign advertising!”

Jerry, the cafeteria is not the place for “casual encounters.”

An eighth-grade quarterback has committed to LSU.  “It’s always been a dream of mine to play at LSU,” said Zadock Dinkelmann, 14, “plus it’s the only school whose name I could spell.”

A federal judge in San Antonio has struck down a Texas law banning same-sex marriage.  “I think it’s the right decision,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, “all Texans should be allowed to get married, same as all Texans should be allowed to kill judges.”

San Diego State running back Adam Muema said God told him to leave the NFL scouting combine early, possibly impacting his draft stock.  “Yup, you heard right,” said God, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, “I chose the guy from San Diego State.”

And the winner of our Olympic pool is… drumroll please… Sam Schneiderman in accounts payable!  He correctly predicted that bear would shed just one tear during the closing ceremonies.  Enjoy your trip to Pennsylvania Dutch Country!

“Avatar” star Sam Worthington was arrested Sunday in New York for allegedly punching a photographer.  “Sorry,” Worthington said in a statement, “I’m Australian.”

General Motors is recalling 1.37 million vehicles due to a dangerous ignition problem that has killed 13 people.  For those keeping score at home, that’s one death for every $777 million in federal bailout money given to the company.

Former heavyweight boxing champion Vitali Klitschko is expected to run for president of Ukraine this May.  When asked about his plans for the country, Klitschko simply replied, “Pain.”
 
Do you ever feel like the moon is both waxing and waning?  No?  Just me?  GET BACK TO WORK.
 
-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/5/14

All right, my Casual Friday cohorts, I’m long overdue in addressing the purpose of these weekly memos.  In case you were unaware, I am your fearless leader at this fearless company, and I expect my employees to be informed.  You never know when some upstart like Bonobos or McDonald’s will come along and try to steal our bacon.  Stay vigilant!  Stay alert!  Stay at home mom!  Business!

Some of the world’s richest people met last week in Davos, Switzerland to solve the global problem of income inequality.  Each of the 250 participants settled on a plan to employ 35 new workers at minimum wage by 2018.

A Singapore man stabbed his mother to death because he thought she was a genie.  “I am mortified,” Mohamed Redha Abdul Mutalib said, “I should have tried stuffing her into a lamp.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from the cafeteria on her new promotion!  She makes the best sloppy joes in the world, and now she’ll be doing so as Vice President of Sales and Marketing.  Upward mobility!

Pharmacy giant CVS will stop selling tobacco.  “Don’t worry, consumers,” CEO Larry J. Merlo said in a statement, “we’ll still carry a wide variety of your favorite prescription pills, as well as everything you need to make meth out of your basement.”

The NFL is considering proposals to eliminate the extra point.  One possibility is to replace each extra point try with a 20-minute Powerpoint presentation detailing the myriad steps taken by Commissioner Goodell to prevent concussions and improve player safety across the league, narrated by Kurt Russell.

Jerry, did you buy the whale from Blackfish?  The third floor is not an aquarium!

A Pennsylvania English teacher has been arrested for having sex with a 17 year-old student.  “Why’d they arrest Mrs. Cooper?” said Jane Simon, another student, “I was just starting to understand Lolita.”

Actual headline from CNN.com: “Sienna Miller is contrite, topless in ‘Esquire UK’.”  Ha-ha!  Oh, I had almost forgotten!  The American media is a joke!

Woody Allen has again denied charges that he molested his then seven year-old adopted daughter Dylan in 1993.  Critics have called the denial “witty and charming” and “Allen’s most original work since Bullets Over Broadway.”

Anybody remember the FOX show “New Amsterdam”?  Neither do I!

Sochi officials are allegedly poisoning stray dogs in advance of the Olympics.  “Relax,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin, “we’re not poisoning the gays.  Yet.”

In other Olympic news, some toilets in Sochi do not accept toilet paper.  However, toilet paper is accepted as currency at most major Russian retailers.

Questions?  Comments?  Concerns?  Email me!  Just don’t expect a response- I’m busy and important!

-The Chairman

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