IT’S THE ANNUAL MIDNIGHT MEMO! You should have received this memo at exactly 12 AM CST. If you didn’t… oh well.
North and South Korea exchanged fire last week amid military exercises. Hope Psy’s OK.
Ukraine’s acting Interior Minister Arsen Avakov has declared that unrest in the country will end in 48 hours either by diplomacy or by force. “We have several hundred mules,” Avakov said, “and they will kick if necessary.”
Congratulations to Anna from sales, Anna from marketing, Anna from HR and Anna from the mailroom! You’ve all tied for the top spot in our annual March Madness pool! You all only managed to pick 21 out of 63 games correctly, but they were the right 21! You will each be receiving a check for $134,439.00.
Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in hot water after a recently released surveillance video showed him making out with a staffer. “Fuck you, God,” said McAllister, a devout Christian, “you said this would never get out.”
The FBI has arrested five people in Augusta, Georgia in connection with a sex trafficking ring ahead of the Masters golf tournament. “Whatever,” said Juanita Patrice Croft, one of the women arrested, “without Tiger there, we weren’t gonna get any business anyway.”
Jerry, aren’t you a little old for Take Your Child to Work Day?
UMass guard Derrick Gordon has become the first openly gay player in Division 1 Men’s College Basketball. Or, at least, that’s what he says.
HBO has renewed its hit series Game of Thrones for two more seasons. “Game of Thrones represents the best in television today:” said HBO CEO Richard Plepler. “Sweet, sweet breasts.”
In other Game of Thrones news, HBO’s popular streaming service HBOGO crashed during the recent season four premiere. Well, I guess that’s more like Real Sex news. AM I RIGHT, PUBESCENT BOYS??!!
Hestia, Greek goddess of the hearth, is widely regarded as the mildest, most upright, and most charitable of all the Olympians.
The Houston Astros received a 0.0 Nielsen rating for their game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Monday night. It was the team’s highest rating since 1998.
Orange is the New Black star Kate Mulgrew claims she was tricked into narrating a documentary promoting geocentrism, the idea that the sun revolves around the Earth. “C’mon guys,” Mulgrew said in a statement, “I play a Russian prison cook in a show that isn’t even on television. Nobody believes what I say.”
Wow, I can’t believe March Madness is over. It’s only April 10th.