Internal Memo for Sunday, 5/21/16

You know what they say: Any given Sunday… there might be a memo!  Man, there were a lotta dicks in that movie.  What’s Oliver Stone’s deal?  BUSINESS!

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a 24-carat gold dildo on Goop for $15,000.  According to Paltrow, the item is “gently used, which is how I felt when Chris left.”

An octopus at New Zealand’s National Aquarium recently crawled out of its tank and escaped down a drainpipe into the ocean.  “I’d like to apologize to all our wonderful patrons,” aquarium director Gary Brooke said in a statement, “and assure everyone that’ll be the last time we screen The Shawshank Redemption for the animals.”

Oh my god!  Oh my god!  Oh my GOD!  Anna from HR… YOUR NAME IS A PALINDROME.

A ride at Universal’s Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park has become notorious for making riders sick.  The ride is a virtual reality simulation of a ten-minute cosplay with “hardcore” Harry Potter fan Natalie Ziff, who is “definitely a Hufflepuff.”

Texas voters have approved a plan for a new $628 million high school football stadium.  The 12,000-seat venue will have multiple uses, hosting not only football games but conventions, fairs, and public executions.

Jerry, please stop referring to Lolita as an “instruction manual.”

Unconvicted murderer George Zimmerman is auctioning off the firearm he used to kill unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin.  “That’s funny, right?” God Almighty said when asked about the news.  “I mean, I haven’t been down there in a while.”

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s new cookbook costs a reported $200, presumably to reflect the rising costs of child support.

Oops, almost forgot to give you an update- A LOT of you guys tied for third in this year’s March Madness pool!  Like, almost half the company!  Best of luck in your future endeavors!

A new report from Oxfam America has revealed that workers at some of the United States’ biggest poultry processing facilities have been denied bathroom breaks to the point where some have to wear diapers.  Oxfam has since called the findings “by far the least disgusting thing about the US poultry industry.”

Despite not being old enough to use the app, a Finnish ten-year-old named Jani won $10,000 for finding a bug in Instagram’s code.  When asked what he would purchase with the money, he replied, “Two-thirds of a golden dildo.”

For real though, calling your made-up team the “Miami Sharks”?  And your made up league the “Associated Football Franchises of America”?  And depicting a female president of a professional football team?  Ludicrous.  Ollie, you’re better than that.  I want my $5 back, or whatever a movie cost back then.  And don’t even get me STARTED on Dennis Quaid…

-The Chairman

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