Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/7/18

Olé, fellow Del Toros! (Wo)Man… what an inspiring Oscars. If I learned one thing from the In Memoriam, it’s that straight white men are on the way out!

And taking their place: straight fish men!

What a world. Business!

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, is suing the erstwhile developer. Daniels is reportedly asking for 15 seconds of her life back.

A former Russian spy living in England is in critical condition after being exposed to an unknown substance. Though the incident echoes infamous poisonings of other spies by the Russian government, experts suspect British cooking.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on winning the company Oscar pool! Enjoy your free month of Hulu!

The father of a survivor of the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida reportedly doctored emails to make it seem like CNN scripted a question during a town hall held in the wake of the incident. “The most important takeaway from the horrible attack on our children perpetrated at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas high school last week,” Glenn Haab, father of student Colton Haab, said of the incident, “is that CNN is fake news.”

A man featured in a viral advertisement for a dating site geared towards Trump voters was revealed to have a felony child sex conviction. A subsequent investigation discovered 90% of the site’s users did as well.

Jerry, Get Out is not “the new Birth of a Nation.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly investigating $40,000,000 in suspicious transactions made by former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, including $25,000 spent at New York pharmacy Duane Reade. Manafort initially flagged the charge as fraudulent, but was later found to have purchased 15,000 bottles of Wite-Out.

Gun maker Storm Ruger has been forced to cut 700 jobs due to poor sales. The cuts have caused the retailer to rethink its employee discount.

It’s snowing on the East Coast! Why not curl up with a nice hot mug of baby mice wine! It’s twice as mice©!

An investor group led by women has canceled its plans to buy the former Weinstein Company. “Oh, I’m sorry, Harvey” lead investor Maria Contreras-Sweet said after the announcement, “did we pull out too soon?”

Last week, a church in Pennsylvania held a blessing ceremony for the AR-15 rifle, the same gun used in last month’s school shooting in Florida. The ceremony left four martyred.

And the Oscar goes to… the salmon I ate for lunch!

It’s about time for a sea change…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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