Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!

BUSINESS.

The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/3/19

Good Afternoon Tory MPs,

A Brexit haiku:

Why oh why Britain
Why oh why oh why oh why
Also, your food sucks

BUSINESS.

A Chinese woman carrying four cellphones and a thumb drive containing malware was arrested last weekend after sneaking into Mar-A-Lago while Donald Trump was there. Trump told reporters he has no idea why Shinzo Abe didn’t tell him he was coming.

Humphreys County, Mississippi – a poor, rural, mostly Black area – is the most heavily audited in the US. The IRS says the high frequency is normal, as the area’s many fishermen are known to keep much of their wealth offshore.

Please join me in congratulating Anna from HR on her complete line of new CBD products! .2 milligrams for only $75!

The upstart Alliance of American Football has suspended operations just eight games into its inaugural 10-game season. The league’s founders were reportedly unable to pass its concussion protocol.

Scientists have discovered a novel gene mutation in a Scottish woman who has never felt pain or anxiety in her life. They’ve named the unique attribute “money.”

They might steal content, Jerry, but their name rings true.

In a new survey, 28% of American men reported having no sex in the past year. Several such respondents added, “I thought that wasn’t allowed anymore,” at which point a researcher was instructed to punch them in the face.

Authorities in Los Angeles shot and killed a man last week after he entered a Church of Scientology with a large sword. Several Scientologists were severely injured in the incident, but only psychologically by other Scientologists.

Want to step up your marketing game AND your dating game? Stop by our latest informational seminar this Friday in Conference Room DD, “SEO or SEX?” By the end, you’ll have set up your own (highly visible) online escort service!

Robert Mueller’s report on Russian interference during the 2016 US election, recently summarized in a 1.5 page letter by Attorney General William Barr, is reportedly 300+ pages long. Sources say the first 200 pages make up a prologue titled “Concerning Hobbits.”

Nicolas Cage has filed for an annulment of his marriage to Erika Koike after 5 days. Turns out the map led to divorce.

And now, a limerick:

There once was a woman from Britain,
The Parliament meetings she’d sit in
She couldn’t believe
Her land wouldn’t leave
And now she’s got no pot to shit in

That’s a right comely old wash, eh guv’nah?

-The Chairman

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