Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/7/18

Great news, ingrates! I, your most trusted and powerful kin- I mean, chairman, now have…

wait for it…

A TWITTER FEED.

🙌🙌🙌

“Bang it” here, as the kids say, for the latest in erotic witticisms and company paraphernalia.

Take your time. We’ll be here when you’re done.

BUSINESS.

Unscrupulous ridesharing giant Uber has unveiled its latest project: Uber Elevate, a service that would bring flight to urban commuting. No word yet on whether pilots will talk to you.

Actor John Stamos has married Caitlin McHugh, who is the same age as the Olsen twins.

Hey Anna from Legal, are you the stock market? Cause you were gettin DOWN at the company happy hour!

Erstwhile comedian Aaron Glaser, who was blacklisted from New York comedy theater the Upright Citizens Brigade after charges of sexual assault, is suing the theater for gender discrimination. “Look at their improv teams,” Glaser said in his lawsuit. “Not a straight white man among them.”

The eastern cougar has been declared extinct. The western cougar is thriving, mostly in Palm Springs.

Jerry, it is not titled Call Me By Your Peach.

The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots by a score of 41-33 on Sunday to take home the team’s first Super Bowl. Afterwards, rioters in Philadelphia overturned cars, scaled light posts, and finally killed Santa Claus.

In further Super Bowl news, Australian Trade Minister Steve Ciobo estimates that an Australian tourism ad that ran during the game depicting a fake Crocodile Dundee sequel generated $30 million in free media. That’s $30 million Australian, or roughly 35 cents, enough to buy 13 Crocodile Dundee box sets.

The Winter Olympics begins Friday! It’s full of bi athletes! HA- never gets old.

A leading nutritionist says eating a slice of pizza for breakfast is healthier than eating a bowl of cereal. “It’s common sense,” Dr. Dolores PapaJohn told website The Daily Meal. “It has better ingredients.”

Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has cut its entire research budget for drugs that treat Alzheimer’s Disease. Facing backlash, the company released a statement reading, “Everybody relax. Patients won’t notice.”

Before you know it, I’ll have a Snapchat! A public one, that is 😉

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/1/17

Good morning, potential Best Actresses!  C’mon… we all know Emma Stone was a mistake, too.  Who’s gonna tell her?

NOT IT.  Business!

Russia is reportedly drafting a psychological dossier on Donald Trump ahead of the businessman’s first meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin.  The dossier is said to contain 15 pages of “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” in Russian.

The French army is adapting the age-old art of falconry to take down suspicious drones.  The practice is said to remove the least reliable part of the French military- the French.

Aw, Anna from Horticulture, you got me all choked up again… and then you saved me with your exceptional EMS training!  Now that’s how you do Munchausen by proxy.

According to a new report, the Trump Winery in Virginia has asked the federal government’s permission to hire more foreign workers.  The request is expected to be granted by the man who owns the winery.

Vendors say a new Philadelphia soda tax has reduced sales of sugary drinks by 50% throughout the city.  Supporters of the tax contend it has made the city healthier, as Philadelphians are now buying milk when they need glass bottles to throw at opposing sports teams.

Jerry, Moonlight is not “your story.”

A magician was found dead last week in a closet at LA’s famous Magic Castle.  The magician was said to be David Blaine, who suddenly awoke and replaced himself with the dead body of a different magician that he may or may not have killed.

Facebook now accommodates money transfers on its messenger app.  The idea is not revolutionary, as people have been sending kidneys through MySpace for years.

Do you ever wonder why some salsa is green and some is red?  It’s your corneas, stupid!  Come get them checked out at our yearly free eye exam, this Friday in the main cafeteria.  Just don’t drive there!

Potential convert to Islam Lindsay Lohan says she was recently profiled by London airport security for wearing a headscarf.  Authorities say that she was actually profiled for being Lindsay Lohan.

Japanese network Fuji Television has obtained footage showing the recent attack that killed Kim Jong Nam, half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, at a Malaysian Airport.  The video shows an assailant with long black hair crawling out of a well and slowly ambling towards Nam as he watches in horror until the screen cuts to stati- HOLY SHIT GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCODSOIEUJR –wr=w=r 03*@#U*=-

And the Oscar goes to…

Nope- not gonna fall for that one again.  NOBODY WINS ANYTHING.

-The Chairman

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