Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 3/27/16

Good Evening,

Let me start by apologizing for the incident with the Easter Bunny we hired for yesterday’s party.  I can assure you we had no idea he was a registered sex offender, or that his costume could do that.

Otherwise, the party was a success!  Business!

A recently released video shows a worker at a Kellogg’s factory in Tennessee urinating on a batch of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.  The company is said to be “furious” that the video leaked, as it showed how the product was given its “snap” and “crackle.”

Pope Francis has joined Instagram, prompting outrage from church officials who believe he already has no filter.

Congratulations to Anna from Inventory on receiving her first communion!  Steve, thanks again for taking advantage of Bring Your Daughter to Work Day two years ago.

A new study shows that many popular brands of chocolate contain unhealthy amounts of heavy metals.  In addition to chocolate, the study found excessive toxins in chicken, water, and American politics.

Speaking of “politics,” a Breitbart reporter has accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of grabbing and bruising her arm at a rally in Florida.  “Yeah, I did that,” the accused, Corey Lewandowski, told reporters.  “It’s called flirting.”

Jerry, Easter has never been a day of ritual sacrifice.

Actor and philanderer Ben Affleck’s infamous back tattoo of a phoenix is apparently fake.  Surprisingly, his latest film, Batman v Superman, is not.

The LA County Coroner’s Office has not ruled out reopening its six-year-old investigation into Brittany Murphy’s death.  “It appears we may no longer be…” new Chief Coroner David Caruso told reporters while slowly donning a pair of sunglasses, “clueless.”

Please join us in the tenth floor cafeteria this Tuesday night for “Easter?  I hardly know her!”, an evening of standup comedy inspired by sexual miscommunication!  Ages 4 and up, please.

California is raising its minimum wage to $15/hour.  “The more people who think they can make it in this state, the better,” Governor Jerry Brown announced on Friday, “plus, after taxes, it’s more like $3.”

For the first time, an NFL official has acknowledged the link between football and the degenerative brain condition CTE.  “Oh yeah, the evidence is there,” admitted the league’s senior vice president for health, Jeff Miller, “and it’s just another in a long line of compelling storylines that make watching our fair sport great.”

Jesus, we know you’re in there… come out with your hands up!

-The Chairman

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