Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/4/18

Blessed Day Jesii,

How was your weekend? Did you get enough sleep? Maybe in a cave? Three days-worth? Then you woke up and showed your cool scars to some friends who told some other friends and suddenly you’re like, hella famous?

That’s nice. It’s also heresy.

Business!

Win Myint has been elected president of Myanmar. Myint ran on an enormously popular platform of economic improvement and swift execution of ethnic minorities.

Donald Trump has blamed violent video games and movies for recent mass shootings, suggesting a rating system for such content. When told such a system already exists, Trump suggested a rating system for such content.

Kudos, Anna from Operations! THAT was the sweet yet sensible candy bar I was thinking of.

Donald Trump has tapped his personal physician, Ronny Jackson, to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. It will be Jackson’s first time dealing with any kind of veteran in at least two years.

Rapper DMX has been ordered to serve one year in prison for tax fraud. He pled bark to all charges.

Jerry, did you sign me up for a Gap card?

A team from Weill Cornell Medical College recently mapped the DNA found in New York’s subway system, finding samples from 15,152 different species. Researchers were able to map every line but the G, which never came.

In a controversial new interview, Pope Francis reportedly said that hell does not exist. “In these uncertain times,” the Pope told an Italian journalist, “it’s comforting to know that there cannot possibly be any worse place than the world we live in.”

Gooooo tell it on the mouuuun-tain
Over the hills and everywhere
Goooooo tell it on the mouuunnn-tain
Frozen yogurt’s back at the cafeteria!

Following a lengthy investigation, Israeli police have uncovered “sufficient evidence” to charge Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with corruption. The police refused to recommend charges of murder as well, as they do not consider Palestinians people.

18-year-old Charlie Lagarde of Quebec will receive $1,000 a week for life after the first lottery ticket she ever bought turned out to be a winner. As a bonus, lottery officials will also give Lagarde a lifetime’s supply of cigarettes.

Jesus was my nickname in college. But instead of loaves and fishes…

… I slung hos and bitches.

HIGH FIVE ME GODDAMMIT.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 7/26/16

Too hot for a memo last week… far too hot.  This week, however…

still way too hot.  Nonetheless: business!

Divergent star Shailene Woodley traveled across country in advance of the Democratic National Convention to canvass for Bernie Sanders.  Woodley, who says she routinely eats clay, is our most predictable actress.

Newly revealed records indicate unpresidential candidate Donald Trump once used money donated to his charity to buy himself a football helmet signed by Tim Tebow.  The purchase ranks as the third-best investment of Trump’s life.

Congratulations to Anna from Legal on taking her latest case all the way to the Supreme Court!  Raccoons ARE people too!!

A new study indicates that people take fewer sick days in states that allow medical marijuana.  The same study shows that work-related accidents in those states are much more frequent.

In further “weed” news, officials in Hugo, Colorado, have determined that the small town’s water supply does not contain THC, as was previously thought.  Thus, in one fell swoop, several disgraced citizens lost their excuse for enjoying The Secret Life of Pets.

Jerry, Philadelphia is not “the poor man’s Cleveland.”

Last week, potato chip giant Lays released four limited-time only flavors, including “Indian Tikka Masala” and “Brazilian Picanha.”  In the wake of the recent leak of Democratic National Committee emails, the company announced a fifth flavor: “Russian Salt.”

Despite myriad other issues facing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has chosen to release a set of new rules aimed at contemplative nuns, those that live in cloistered monasteries and have no contact with the outside world.  Among the important new regulations are “pee less,” “pray harder,” and “stop thinking about sex.”

I just spent a lot of money on this foosball table- you fuckers better use it.

A rare, smelly “corpse flower” is preparing to bloom at the New York Botanical Gardens.  You can watch it live here.

Following a seven-month investigation, the NFL has determined recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning did not take human growth hormone.  Despite the favorable result, Manning has decided to appeal the ruling, saying in a statement, “Anything Tom can do, I can do better.”

I just paid a dog to pee on me.

-The Chairman

PS- Know anybody who’s not on this list?  Invite them to join immediately… or else: http://eepurl.com/HMKYj

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 3/27/16

Good Evening,

Let me start by apologizing for the incident with the Easter Bunny we hired for yesterday’s party.  I can assure you we had no idea he was a registered sex offender, or that his costume could do that.

Otherwise, the party was a success!  Business!

A recently released video shows a worker at a Kellogg’s factory in Tennessee urinating on a batch of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.  The company is said to be “furious” that the video leaked, as it showed how the product was given its “snap” and “crackle.”

Pope Francis has joined Instagram, prompting outrage from church officials who believe he already has no filter.

Congratulations to Anna from Inventory on receiving her first communion!  Steve, thanks again for taking advantage of Bring Your Daughter to Work Day two years ago.

A new study shows that many popular brands of chocolate contain unhealthy amounts of heavy metals.  In addition to chocolate, the study found excessive toxins in chicken, water, and American politics.

Speaking of “politics,” a Breitbart reporter has accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of grabbing and bruising her arm at a rally in Florida.  “Yeah, I did that,” the accused, Corey Lewandowski, told reporters.  “It’s called flirting.”

Jerry, Easter has never been a day of ritual sacrifice.

Actor and philanderer Ben Affleck’s infamous back tattoo of a phoenix is apparently fake.  Surprisingly, his latest film, Batman v Superman, is not.

The LA County Coroner’s Office has not ruled out reopening its six-year-old investigation into Brittany Murphy’s death.  “It appears we may no longer be…” new Chief Coroner David Caruso told reporters while slowly donning a pair of sunglasses, “clueless.”

Please join us in the tenth floor cafeteria this Tuesday night for “Easter?  I hardly know her!”, an evening of standup comedy inspired by sexual miscommunication!  Ages 4 and up, please.

California is raising its minimum wage to $15/hour.  “The more people who think they can make it in this state, the better,” Governor Jerry Brown announced on Friday, “plus, after taxes, it’s more like $3.”

For the first time, an NFL official has acknowledged the link between football and the degenerative brain condition CTE.  “Oh yeah, the evidence is there,” admitted the league’s senior vice president for health, Jeff Miller, “and it’s just another in a long line of compelling storylines that make watching our fair sport great.”

Jesus, we know you’re in there… come out with your hands up!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 11/18/14

This is a big day.

It’s… it’s…

THE RETURN OF THE MEMO.

La CucaraCHA, La CucaraCHA… dadadadadadadadaaaaaaaaaaaa.

I’ll admit it’s been a busy couple months juggling my duties as head of NFL PR and an unmanned drone, but rewarding nonetheless.  Not as rewarding, however…

AS THE BUSINESS.

Let’s get right to it.

Russian President Vladimir Putin caused a stir recently when he draped a shawl over Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan at a state dinner in Beijing.  Putin insists the act was done “purely out of respect,” and that he “could sleep with her if [he] wanted to- anytime, anywhere.”

A new survey has determined that Colgate University boasts the most dateable college alumni.  “I love dating people from Colgate,” said respondent Jordan Gross, 25, of New York City, “I never feel intellectually threatened.”

Seattle’s Erotic Bakery, which specialized in cakes depicting the human anatomy for almost 30 years, has closed.  “Our business started strong,” said owner Kimmie Barnett, “but I just couldn’t keep it up.”

Anna, you look positively radiant!  That koala poop really works!

A state representative in Washington has been re-elected despite being deceased.  In related news, the state’s legalization of marijuana has been a resounding success.

According to a recent study, half of all available jobs are never advertised.  Keep up the good work, HR.

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak walked off the set of one of the show’s “Best Friends Week” episodes in Hawaii after two sets of contestants gave horse-related answers to the same incomplete puzzle.  Apparently, Sajak was unaware that bestiality is both legal and encouraged in the state.

Jerry, it’s been almost three months.  Let it go.

Newlyweds Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy will star in an A&E docu-series about their marriage.  The show’s working title is “Nobody Cares.”

Netflix has petitioned the FCC to block the proposed Comcast-Time Warner Cable merger.  The FCC has started the bidding for its ruling at $25,000,000.

Over 80% of America’s cocaine supply is laced with a veterinary drug that eats flesh.  Its name is Andy Dick.

Chinese doctors have discovered a 24-year-old woman born without a cerebellum, the part of the brain responsible for balance, posture, and speech.  In accordance with the country’s population control laws, she has been executed.

The Thanksgiving turkey drive is in full swing!  Same rules as last year- whoever donates the most turkeys gets a Cadillac El Dorado, second gets a set of steak knives, and third gets fired.  Good luck!

The mansion from the classic film The Godfather is up for sale.  “There’s only one catch,” advertises real estate broker Connie Profaci, “once you go in, you can never get out.”

Blackberry is suing Ryan Seacrest’s company Typo for copyright infringement.  “We believe that Typo is trying to steal what makes Blackberry great,” Blackberry CEO John S. Chen said in a statement, “what is that again?”

Pope Francis has declared that the Big Bang theory and evolution are “proven fact.”  As a result, he will now burn in hell.

A recently released video from 1995 shows dangerous orca behavior at SeaWorld Ohio.  “This footage proves nothing,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Elaine Griffin.  “Being both black and white, Kayla the orca was simply sorting out her conflicting feelings about the OJ Simpson trial.”

Researchers in Australia have determined that cities are making spiders grow bigger and live longer.  “And the worst part is,” said scientist Roy Chambers of the Australian Research Council, “they’ve started mating with bankers.”

It’s football season… who’s up for a group shower?

-The Chairman

PS- Jon from digital is just killing it with these VIDEOS.

PPS- In my time away, I’ve developed a “social media presence.”  Don’t worry… it’s not fatal.  Like me on Facebook!!

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Internal Memo For Thursday, 3/6/14

Good afternoon, mortals.  Can I get a little “dap” for preventing World War III?

“Girls” star Allison Williams is engaged to boyfriend Ricky Van Veen.  When asked what she likes about the College Humor co-founder, Williams replied, “He farts a lot.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.  He is joined on the ballot by the ghost of Adolf Hitler and arson.
 
A 9-month-old baby may have been cured of HIV simply by watching Focus Features’ inspirational film Dallas Buyers Club, winner of three Oscars, out now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital HD!
 
Has everybody gotten to see Anna from accounts payable’s silver medal for giant slalom?  And she’s seven months pregnant!  How did she do it?!
 
Amtrak has unveiled a plan to give free delays to writers.

The Sochi Olympics were the costliest ever.  “Don’t worry,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during the closing ceremonies, “money won’t matter where we’re headed.”

A freshman at Duke University has been outed as a porn star.  When asked how she likes the school, she replied, “I feel right at home with all the dicks.”

Jerry, you are from New Jersey.  New Jersey has never been a part of the Russian Federation.
 
The Ukrainian national soccer team shut out the United States on Wednesday, 2-0.  “Congratulations, Ukraine,” said U.S. President Barack Obama after the match, “you’re on your own.”

Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is feeling fine after becoming dizzy and lightheaded Wednesday night during a loss to Wake Forest.  “Sorry, guys,” he said in his postgame comments, “I was just thinking about how much money I make.”

Congratulations to Oscar from reception on his winning Oscar ballot!  Weird!

A robust secondary market has arisen for French military rations, which contain delicacies such as duck-fat cassoulet and Camembert cheese.  “I love them,” said Nathalie Perron, a French civilian, “they have that exquisite flavor of defeat.”
 
The College Board has announced sweeping changes to the SAT beginning in 2016.  The test will now consist of two sections of anonymous commenting, followed by the essay question “How much money do your parents make?  Be specific.”
 
Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church may support some types of same-sex civil unions.  “What the hell?” said the Pope, speaking through an interpreter, “a hole’s a hole.”
 
A Thursday memo?  I’m just glad we’re all alive!  Do svidaniya!
 
-The Chairman
 
BREAKING NEWS: The Crimean parliament has just voted to join the Russian Federation.  We’re not out of the woods yet!  Back to work, you intrepid defenders of capitalism!

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/3/13

OK, my dearest brothers and sisters in labor, I have heard your cries.  You do not want any more introductions to these old memos, you just want the memos themselves.  The post dates will not line up with the memo dates (at least for a while) but SO BE IT.  HERE’S ANOTHER OLD MEMO:

Good evening.  I’ve received some complaints about the theme of the Thanksgiving party.  Some people have called it “racially charged” and “insensitive.”  I call those people “losers.”  Also, to those who would characterize my behavior as “harassment,” I say, “Loosen up, Susan.”  Onto the business!

Two Saudi Arabian women have been arrested for driving in the country’s capital.  One angry cleric denounced the act by saying, “According to the Qur’an, written 1500 years ago, women are strictly forbidden to drive cars.”

In an effort to compete with other, more “American” chain restaurants, the Olive Garden has added a hamburger to its menu.  The burger will be topped with mozzarella, arugula, and a tiny but feisty Sicilian matriarch shouting, “Mangia, mangia!”

The annual Kardashian Khristmas kard is out, and boy, is that family the fucking worst.

Jerry, ink and toner are NOT the same thing.

Elwood, the world’s ugliest dog, has died.  As is the case with all dogs, he will go to heaven, where he will be ostracized for all eternity.

In an effort to win back his estranged wife, a Minnesota man threw 1,000 one-dollar bills onto unsuspecting shoppers at the Mall of America.  When asked about the stunt, his wife replied, “This is why I left him.”

Hawaii has become the 15th state to legalize gay marriage.  A LOTTA PEOPLE GETTING LEI’D TONIGHT, AM I RIGHT AMERICA???  Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out.

The Republican National Committee is under fire for tweeting that Rosa Parks helped to “end racism.”  The tweet read, in part, “Today, we remember Miss Parks’ courageous and honorable decision to sit when offered a prime bus seat by a progressive and compassionate white man.”

English Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced that he is in a relationship with a man.  Lest anyone think he might be a homosexual, he casually added, “Of course I still fancy girls.”  This has been “Great Moments in British Repression.”

Thank you to George in Accounting and Margery in HR for attending the recent professional development workshop with the Alvin Ailey Dance Company!  The rest of you really missed out.  I have never felt so hip!

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire had the best Thanksgiving weekend ever at the box office, taking in $110.2 million over five days.  Analysts say the success was driven by parents who dream of a world in which teenagers kill each other for sport.

The United Nations has implicated Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in war crimes committed during the country’s ongoing civil war.  When informed of the charges, al-Assad exclaimed, “Who, me?  But I’m just a lovable chimney sweep!” before adorably tap-dancing away.

Amazon is experimenting with using unmanned drones to deliver goods to shoppers as soon as 30 minutes after online purchases.  The pilot program, started in Iraq several years ago, has been a resounding success.

A team of researchers has discovered a new sex organ in koalas’ throats.  Scientists hope this will finally end the longstanding debate over which animal gives the best blowjobs.

A leading geneticist from the University of Georgia is advancing the shocking claim that human beings evolved after a female chimpanzee mated with a male pig.  The University of Georgia is primarily known for its football team.

Ukraine’s Prime Minister believes his country is in the midst of a coup.  His therapist believes this is just another insidious manifestation of a poor self-image.

Later this week, Canada is expected to lay claim to a vast region of Arctic seafloor, presumably for hockey.

Our computers are now Y2K compliant!

Pope Francis has reportedly been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to give alms to the poor.  A surprised Jesus said, “If my dad finds out, he is SO grounded.”

Icelandic police have shot and killed a man for the first time in the country’s history.  To be fair, the guy wouldn’t stop talking about Greenland.

Japan’s infamous yakuza mobsters are increasingly turning to financial pursuits, leading some to dub them “Goldman Sachs with guns.”  Goldman Sachs, coincidentally, is often referred to in America as “yakuza without morals.”

I apologize for the lateness of this memo.  I had food poisoning yesterday, which I’m assuming was retaliation for eating everyone else’s food out of the office refrigerator.  Lesson learned.  Keep up the good work!

-The Chairman

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