Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 5/13/18

Happy Mother’s Day, ungrateful brats! You didn’t think I’d let a whole week go by without a memo, did you? I was simply waiting for the day when we may celebrate the greatest mother of all: a woman who was, truly, more than a woman. A woman by whose example we lead our own lives and guide the lives of others, through self-empowerment and righteous defense of the ideals of liberty, freedom, and liberty. A woman whose tireless devotion to ideological purity leads all of us to strive for racial, sexual, and ethnic domination above all other superficial concerns, forever and ever:

Ayn Rand.

BUSINESS.

Israel won this year’s Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon, Portugal. The victory proves that peace in the Middle East is possible, by moving Israel to Europe.

Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson, who plays The Mountain on the hit show Game of Thrones, has been named the World’s Strongest Man. As a reward, the show’s creators have written his character a threesome with his aunt and sister.

Enjoy today while you can, Anna from Finance! The company health plan doesn’t cover your son’s treatments.

Police in California believe they’ve finally apprehended the infamous “Golden State Killer,” LeBron James.

Donald Trump’s former doctor admitted last week that Trump himself dictated a glowing letter about his own health back in 2015. In related news, Melania Trump’s former doctor admitted the First Lady is not an African-American woman named Michelle.

Jerry, breast milk is not tax deductible.

Under Donald Trump’s watch, the US National Debt recently climbed above $21 trillion for the first time. Trump cited the news as proof of his commitment to running the government like one of his businesses.

Charlie Rose is reportedly in talks to host an interview series focusing on men brought down by the #MeToo movement. It is tentatively titled Charlie Rose is an Idiot.

Happy Mother’s Day, banana slugs!

A Swedish decluttering method known as “death cleaning” is gaining popularity worldwide. “It’s very simple:” author Margareta Magnusson writes in her book, The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, “If you touch it, it goes.”

In a recent report geared towards biotech companies, investment bank Goldman Sachs pondered whether curing patients of chronic diseases is “a sustainable business model.” “If these patients don’t eventually die from their high-cost managed diseases,” analysts warned, “we will have precious few janitorial staff at our main office in hell.”

Remember: rape isn’t rape if it’s hot.

Thanks, Mom!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/6/14

Good Afternoon,
 
Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the people who made this weeklong string of memos possible.
 
Now, onto the business.
 
Scientists now believe humans may have played a major role in the extinction of the wooly mammoth.  Surprise, surprise.

Archaeologists in China have discovered the world’s oldest pair of pants.  They belonged to the world’s oldest prude.

As you may remember, I reported yesterday that Anna from accounting had yet again beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity.  It has since come to my attention that she neglected to kill all of the gold skulltulas in the Swamp Spider House, thus nullifying her agreements with all charities involved.  All of the money she raised will be returned, and she has assured me she will be extra vigilant when she attempts the task next year.

An Indonesian volcano erupted for the first time in 15 years last week, reminding everyone that the Earth has been around for billions of years and can kill all of us in any number of ways at absolutely any time.
 
Kardashian Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third child.  Sister Khloe Kardashian remains childless, while other sister Kim Kardashian has two children, Kanye and North West.
 
Jerry, “D-Day” does not stand for “Denny’s Day.”
 
A group of scientists and conservators at Harvard has determined that a book in the school’s library is bound in human skin.  Like everything else at Harvard bound in human skin, the book looks a lot more impressive than it is.

A Ghanaian witch doctor claims to have put a curse on Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who may miss the World Cup with a leg injury.  “You think his leg is bad,” said Nana Kwaku Bonsam, whose name translates as “The Devil of Wednesday,” “you should see his penis.”
 
Be sure to stop by the ninth floor pavilion and check out our new exhibition: “Famous South Africans: From Mandela to Dave Matthews,” running now until June 7th!
 
A new study suggests that boys with autism are more likely to have been exposed to higher levels of hormones while in the womb.  Meanwhile, several old studies have proven that vaccines save millions of lives each year.
 
Russian President Vladimir Putin is attempting to strengthen Russian ties with North Korea.  “I saw how that feisty little dictator viciously executed his uncle on a whim,” Putin told a Russian newspaper, “and I thought, ‘I bet we’d be friends.’”

That’s all, my Mountains!  Let’s crush it this weekend!

-The Chairman

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