Welcome to 2018, empty vessels! Let’s start this new year off right… WITH SOME BUSINESS.
The University of Alabama beat the University of Georgia to win the Division I college football “National Championship” on Monday night. Tickets to the game rose in value to almost $2,000 before kickoff, or roughly 1/3rd of Alabama’s GDP.
Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton was lambasted on social media recently for suggesting that poor children who cannot afford breakfast eat avocado tortillas. “I apologize for my mistake,” billionaire Middleton said in a statement. “I just assumed all poor children lived in Mexico.”
Congratulations, Anna from Operations, on your championship-winning fantasy football team, Roy Moore Elementary! If Jerry had used that name it would have been wholly inappropriate, but I know your intentions are pure.
Despite not being accused of any sort of sexual harassment, documentarian Morgan Spurlock wrote an open letter to fans saying that he’s “part of the problem” of our gender-unequal society. Critics say the unexpected gesture was solely designed to generate hype for his upcoming sequel, Super Size #MeToo.
Apple is reportedly considering ending music downloads on its once-popular iTunes store. As a result, U2’s Songs of Innocence will remain the most downloaded album of all time.
Jerry, no more deportations.
New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art is doing away with its “suggested donation” policy for out-of-towners, and will begin charging a $25 admission fee. “As part of the decision, the museum will repatriate all of its foreign works to their countries of origin,” Director Thomas P. Campbell said of the controversial decision. “Just kidding.”
Sources say special counsel Robert Mueller has indicated he would like to interview Donald Trump as part of the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, prompting concerns from Trump that Mueller might actually be a real person.
With snow in the east and mudslides out west, don’t you just want to “dance yourself clean”? Well now you can! Join us at 6:30 AM Friday in the third floor cafeteria as we present a special set by James from Accounting’s cover band, Liquid Crystal Boombox!
The bodies of a Swiss couple who went missing 75 years ago have been found perfectly preserved in a receding glacier. The discovery is seen as a major victory for proponents of global warming.
Last summer, German police seized 5,000 pills shaped like Donald Trump. The pills are said to be a relative of ecstasy known as “agony.”
I wouldn’t call myself a “very stable genius”… more like a “voluptuous sexual monstrosity.”
PS- Ever wondered what I think about amaranth? Poughkeepsie? Kojevian rhetoric as it relates to a Christian reading of Hegelian dialectic? Write to email@example.com. THE COLUMNS ARE BACK, BABY. And I would like nothing more than to educate my loyal (and consenting) workforce in how you can better serve… me.